January 11th - First English Lottery Draw

On this day, in 1569, Queen Elizabeth I became the first English man or woman to declare "Two fat ladies, 88." Of course she didn't mean that the number 88 looked like two fat ladies, she just happened to see two fat ladies as she announced the number. This went on to become the first ever lottery in England.

A lottery is a form of state-sanctioned addiction. It involves the drawing of "lots" for a prize. The prize can be whatever you wish for but you can't wish for more wishes. That's rule number one when learning to become a genie. Normally the prize will be cash, and lots of it. See what I did there; "lots" of cash. Get it? Lots.

It is argued that the purchase of a lottery ticket is economically irrational because a player must spend money for what is likely to be no monetary return. This assumes that there is no non-monetary benefit from playing. For example, a single mother, who is an alcoholic, may have to pay to feed her child every day, but if she wastes money on a lottery ticket then she can't afford to feed the child. Thus, the child dies and the saved money can go towards buying tequila slammers. After the death of a child, this may be the only small luxury she can afford to cope.

Of course, this lack of return only applies on an individual basis. If we view the gambling population as a group working together then there is a net profit. Individually, the people would waste the money buying tequila slammers and lottery tickets, but by tricking people out of their money, the government can spend it on more important things, like alc-anon programs.

The probability of winning the jackpot depends on factors like, how many numbers make up the pool in the lottery, how many numbers are picked in a draw, and how bad is your understanding of probability and statistics. If your understanding is particularly poor you may believe that you have a good chance of winning. However, anyone who made it through primary school maths will tell you that you have no chance of winning and you should only use plastic cutlery for fear of stabbing yourself in the thigh.

The biggest prize ever won was in the Mega Millions draw in the United States. The prize was $390 million. This was shared between two ticket-holders in 2007. To put this in perspective, the prize would equal one tequila slammer per minute for the rest of your life, which wouldn't be that long if you are drinking one tequila slammer per minute.

Prizes are sometimes paid in a lump sum. In this case, the money is delivered in a bath-tub so that the winner can swim around in it and rub it all over their body. The other option is to have the money paid in installments, and in this case it will be delivered in nondescript briefcases that are handcuffed to an overweight man who used to work out.

Don't give up on your dreams of winning the grand prize, or as the French say Le whole box and dice.