November 27th - Declaration of the First Crusade

On this day, in 1095, Pope Urban II declared the first crusade, which had the aim of defeating the Turks in modern day Turkey. Pope Urban II was the Pope's rapper name; on a day-to-day basis he preferred to be called Daryl or Slippery Pope.

The Byzantine Emperor requested that the Pope send western troops (or a tax-deductible donation) to fight the Turks. Things got a little out of hand and the goal soon became the recapture of Jerusalem and to free eastern Christians from Islamic rule. Islamic rule was brutally fair and just, and the Christians felt it was all a bit too easy. Where was the needless guilt and suffering? A quick crusade would fix their little game.

What started as a mid-sized military campaign transformed into a large migration of Western people to the Islamic states. Once there they used the diabolical tactic of not speaking the native language and repeatedly asking for directions in loud, slow english. Even the French did this.

The Crusaders included all levels of society from Knights to peasants, and even Christian horses and sows weighed in on the fight. The pig was obviously a terrifying foe for the Islams.

And now a little about the historiography; Christians 1, Muslims 0. Sing - You'll never walk alone because I stabbed you in the spine. That's right, the Christians conquered Jerusalem and occupied it for two hundred years.

The Pope managed to whip all of western Europe into a fervour by telling the Council of Clermont all the atrocities that weren't happening under Islamic rule. Did children have the fear of God put into them on a daily basis? No. Were women beaten and made to serve men? Probably, but probably isn't good enough! The Council wanted action and they got it when most of France applied for Crusader visas in Jerusalem (similar to a working visa but with no kill limit.)

What really selaed the deal for the council was that the Pope said "Deus lo volt!", God Wills It! Anyone who was on the fence before was now firmly in the Muslim killing mood. One cardinal was recorded as saying "I thought I hated Muslims before but now God has said we should kill them, I don't like them at all." The clergy left the council chanting "What does God want? Jerusalem. What does God get? Jerusalem."

Before the official Crusade army kicked things off a group known as the People's Crusade headed off to the Holy Land for a bit of righteous biffo. They were a rag-tag bunch of misfits with everything to prove, and they were lead by a priest named Peter the Hermit. On the way to the fighting the unruly mob pillaged a number of cities. All of this was done in the name of God.

As you might expect the Jews copped a fair bit in all of this. They really don't have any luck do they?

The First Crusade was only a warm up for the second and third. That's where God got off the bench and into the game. There are many lessons to learn from the needless fear and fighting that occurred during the Crusades. Today we haven't learned these lessons but it is fun to read about it. Keep up the good work, ye faithful.