On this day, in 1263, a battle near the town of Largs, in Scotland, was fought between the Scots and the Norwegians. It was the most important battle in the Socttish-Norwegian war. So not that important really.

Much of Scotland had been occupied by the Norwegians from 1100. And since 1240 the Scottish King had been trying to buy the conquered areas back. The Norwegian King refused to sell, so like all dissatisfied customers, the Scottish King declared war.

When the Norwegian King heard of this he launched "the biggest fleet ever to leave Norway", which consisted of four of those long viking boats, and a number of drunk soldiers wandering into the icy cold surf. They were never seen again.

Peace talks were held but went nowhere because both armies had assembled and it seemed a shame to get everyone together and not go through with it. That would be dissappointing.

The real fighting kicked off when five Norwegian boats were forced ashore by a storm. The two sides engaged in rock throwing and name calling before the Norwegians regrouped and headed back onto the water.

That was the end of that. Both sides decided fun's fun but this was getting stupid. Thus ended the Scottish-Norwegian war's most important and dissapointing battle.

On this day, in 1967, the treaty that covers international Space law became effective. It sounds exciting but "Outer Space Treaty" is just a nickname. The real name is the "Treaty on Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space, including the Moon and Other Celestial Bodies." Which still sounds cool.

The treaty was built upon the "Declaration of Legal Principles Governing the Activities of States in the Exploration and Use of Outer Space". Who could forget that classic?

The treaty states:

• Exploration of Space will be done in the interest of all Nations. Even the crappy ones.

• That no State can claim the Moon as its own. This seemingly altruistic act is actually confirmation of the conspiracy theory that the Moon is a dump inhabited by vagrants, and public transport is terrible. Why would anyone want to claim it?

• States may not place nuclear weapons on the Moon. This rule was universally opposed by super-villians around the world.

Some States even opposed the ban against nuclear weapons on the Moon. They unsuccessfully filed a legal appeal on the grounds that "It would be sooooo cool."

The treaty is built upon the ideal that Space is a domain for all of mankind, and everyone is hoping that there are no super-powerful alien overlords to argue with us.

The treaty has been ratafied by most Nations, including the smallest country, the Weetee Islands. Nobody had the heart to tell them that flinging shiny beads at the Moon does not count as Space travel.

Adherence to the treaty will guarantee a future for mankind that is similar to Start Trek. I think we all want that. Except for the skin-tight uniforms.

On this day, in 2004, the NASA rover, Spirit, safely landed on Mars. Its mission, which it chose to accept, was to look at rocks, enjoy rocks, promote rocks, and sample delicious rock-based recipes. It achieved this mission and so much more, including looking remarkably like Johnny-5 from the mildly successful movies "Short Circuit" and "Short Circuit 2'.

Spirit and its twin rover, Opportunity, were solar-powered, six wheeled monsters that towered a mighty 1.5m in the air. Their cyborg rover bodies sat on a rocker-bogie system, which Elvis designed in the late sixties. The six independently-driven wheels gave the rover a maximum speed of 50mm/s. But this hair-raising speed was too much for the scaredy-cat NASA folk, so the rover was normally driven at about one fifth this speed.

The primary mission for Spirit lasted for 90 sols. A sol is one martian day, which is almost exactly the same length as an Earth day, so they could have just said 90 days instead of 90 sols. This is yet another example of bourgeoisie boffins creating their own language to keep the masses from taking control of their own destiny. They even use the term "yestersol" to denote the previous martian day. You can't just make words up.

Spirit's landing site was chosen because it was believed that water had existed at that site in the past. The rover was gently plummeted to the surface with a parachute and an airbag. Airbags are a great technology created by NASA and then brought to the mainstream by auto-manufacturers. They were initially used before stairs had been invented. NASA scientists would simply fall off high ledges onto the soft airbag waiting below. Before stairs were invented scientists would reach higher floors by riding small rockets.

When Spirit landed it rolled out of its airbag and took a panoramic shot of the panorama. It was the most detailed photo of rocks every captured on a different planet.

Spirit's time on Mars wasn't all parties and stones. It had its fair share of problems. A software error caused the rover to continually reboot itself. The problem was tracked down and a solution was transmitted to fix the rover's emotional instability. Spirit was a plucky robot with plenty of spirit, just like Johnny-5.

Everyone agreed that a slide-show of snapshots about rocks was dull. What they really needed to do was get the party going with some rock crushing. Spirit used its Rock Abrasion Tool to scrape some rocks. It was all a bit disappointing. Sure, the scientists got excited, but no one else understood what they were talking about.

Spirit lasted a lot longer than it was meant to because unexpected dust-devils would periodically clean the rover's solar panels. This power-boost let the rover trundle on like another plucky robot we all know and love. Johnny-5 is alive...on Mars. Thank you Hollywood!

On this day, in 1527, Felix Manz, one of the leaders of the Anabaptist movement of Zurich, was executed by drowning. He was lucky not to have been executed in a Dutch oven. His last words before being bound and tossed into the water were "Into thy hands, O God, I commend my spirit and my mint condition Apostle Paul signature."

Felix was an Anabaptist and enjoys long walks on the beach. Anabaptist literally are re-baptisers. They practice adult (or believer) baptisms, as opposed to infant baptisms, or moody teen baptisms. People are baptised based on their acceptance of mighty God, aka mighty swinging Yorg.

In Felix's time Anabaptist's spent their days spreading the word of Yorg and performing baptisms upon request, which they were totally up for. The Anabaptists were not accepted by the Orthodox Church, and sometimes their offers of free baptisms were met with banishment and/or execution. When both banishment and execution were deemed appropriate the Anabaptist was forced out of town then hunted down like a dog and killed by a mob that wondered why they let him go in the first place.

These original Anabaptists were the forerunners of modern day religious movements like the Amish, the Quakers, and people who drive Volvos. They were also pioneers in the belief in the separation of church and state, freedom of religion, and diesel cars with a top-notch safety standard.

Felix was begat of an illegitimate relationship. He was well educated and knew many obscure languages, including French. As he grew up he questioned the traditions and workings of his church. Why did they have to go to mass when all the good cartoons were on? Why are church and state connected? And why are babies baptised? Babies haven't done anything so what makes them so special?

Felix had a barney with his spiritual leader Zwingli. He accused him of having a made up name, but it wasn't true. A number of parents were less concerned with the preacher's fanciful name and had decided they didn't want their children to be baptised. They looked to Felix as a leader. The city council stepped in and ordered the parents and Felix to stop arguing and to get on with the baby-dunking. The parents gathered at Felix's home and the group's first believer's baptisms were performed. Zwingli's power was broken and the first church of the Radical Reformation was founded.

The Radical Reformation was all about undoing the power and corruption of the Roman Catholic Church. The Mild Reformation was all about changing the Bishop's robes from red to maroon.

Felix became a central figure in the Anabaptist movement. he used his mad translating skills to spread the word like nobody's business. For his hard work he was tied up and drowned. The moral of the story is, don't piss off the Roman Catholic Church.

On this day, in 1907, the first child-care centre and school for working class children was opened in Rome by Maria Montessori. She would use the school to develop her selfishly named Montessori method for education.

Maria was a buxom Italian lass with the glint of achievement in her eye, the thorn of oppression in her side, and the gale-force wind of equality behind her. She dreamt of being an engineer and attended an all-boys technical school. She then changed to a medical school when she realised she wasn't a boy. Even though she wasn't male, she worked hard and became the first woman to graduate as a doctor in Italy.

Her passion became educating the uneducatable. The "special ones" and the "unhappy little ones." When she gave a lecture at the Torino educational congress, the Minister for Education immediately appointed her the head of a special institution to educate the "slows". Of course she accepted so she could use the special children as guinea pigs to use her untested education theories.

Her first success came quickly when some of her children passed a reading and writing exam with flying colours. With this taste of glory she abandoned her special kids and moved on to unleashing the potential of normal children.

Maria saw education as a natural experience that every child goes through independently of the school. The only role the teacher had was to provide the correct environment to allow the student to experience as much as he could. Teachers also had yard-duty and once-a-month social events. Children learn at their own pace with some guidance from the teacher to prevent bad habits like slouching and tardiness.

Her schools were very successful and they generated a great deal of interest. She lived in India and her way of teaching became popular. She lived in the Netherlands and this became the location of the Association Montessori Internationale. Maria also stayed in Belgium but didn't care for their mayonnaise and chips, or their special children.

The Montessori education method is still practiced today. Its main principles include;

• Children are competent beings, except for the slow ones.
• Use of child-sized furniture to make slow, tiny children feel like they are in their own world.
• Not calling children slow.

Maria's methods were groundbreaking and have done a lot for progressing education. Don't you think you could have benefited from it?

On this day, in 1797, the mighty tricolor that is the flag of mighty Italy was proudly unfurled for the first time by a mighty Italian, possibly Mario of Mario Brothers fame. The new flag was the final progression of a great Italian flag tradition. The Italian flags that came before included one shaped like an opera singer, and one made out of the leaning tower of Pisa.

The flag is known as a tricolour because it consists of three bands of green, white, and red. The green band must be located at the hoist side of the flag. After the green band comes the white band, and after the white band comes the red band. Flags are boring.

Some people say that the Italian flag is made up of three vertical pales, but a pale is by definition vertical, so these people just look silly. They should simply say the flag is made of three pales. They could even say it is made up of three vertical fesses but that's a long way for a shortcut.

Hot debate still rages over the meanings of the colours, and a number of interpretations exist. One interpretation says that the green represents the hills, white represents the Alps, and red represents the blood of Italy's enemies that was spilt in the Italian War of Independence and all those poor souls lost to Italian automobiles. Of course, the Church want to get their two cents in so they think green represents hope, white represents faith, and red represents charity and the blood of Italy's enemies that was spilt in the Italian War of Independence.

Many nations use tricolours as their national flag. Other notable and boring examples are the flags of Ireland, France, and Cote d'Ivoire. Cote d'Ivoire's flag is a mirror image of the green, white and orange flag of Ireland. They probably copied the Irish when the wind was blowing in the wrong direction so they ended up with a back-to-front flag.

And now for something interesting about flags, thank God. Mars has its own flag. It is a tricolour like the Italian flag. The Mars flag uses the colours, red, green and blue. Red represents Mars as it is now, green represents a newly terraformed planet, and blue represents the new atmosphere that would result from terraforming. Of course this new design was created on the assumption that the Martians don't have their own flag already.

All flags have a long and boring history, and none of the stories behind them could possibly compare to the wonder and magic of the colonisation of Mars. It will be a great day when the first human reaches Mars and doesn't plant the Italian flag.

The modern Italian flag was the inspiration for Mario and Luigi's overalls.

On this day, in 1297, Monaco (officially The Principality of Monaco, in French Le Marquee de Casino, and in English Monaco) achieved its independence by being taken over by the House of Grimaldi. How does being taken over count as independence? No one knows, and the people of Monaco ask that you don't rain on their faux-freedom parade.

Francesco Grimaldi was an honourable man also known as The Malicious One. In Monaco's year of independence he and his men captured the Rock of Monaco. During the capture Francesco dressed as a monk and the Italian word for monk is "monaco". So you can see where the country got its name, or at least you could if the area wasn't already called Monaco before all this happened, but it makes a nice story.

In the 800 years that have followed Monaco's independence dress-up party, the city-state has been conquered by French Revolutionaries in 1793, by the Italian and German armies in 1943, and the Macarena in 1995. These were dark days indeed.

Monaco hosts one round of the Formula One championship. Its street-based track is regarded as one of the most challenging with its tight turns, loop-de-loops, and it includes both reverse and parallel parking while an Italian tourist in a Fiat sits behind you honking his horn and shouting "Why you not sell you car and buy a bicycle?"

The demographics of Monaco are all loop-de-loop as well. The native Monegasques are a minority in their own country. The French dominate, for once, and the Italians put in a good effort, for once. The rest of the population is composed of 125 further nationalities.

The flag of Monaco is identical to the Indonesian flag except for the size. The official Monaco flag is as wide as the Sun and twice as tall.

The official sport of Monaco is gambling and this attracts many tourists from neighbouring European countries. They visit to play and enjoy Monaco's favourable climates. Both the weather and the financial climate are favourable in Monaco. No income tax is collected and this has made it a tax haven for rich toffs in their fancy Ferraris and their expensive suits made from puppies.

It is illegal for the Monegasques to gamble in Monaco's casinos. Instead, they must flee to France to experience the giddy thrill of depositing funds in someone else's bank account for no reward. When will the oppression end? Maybe on Tuesday.

Monaco is trying hard to be a real country but it still doesn't have a standing army; they rely on the French to do their dirty work for them. The French, is there anything they can't do?

Come to Monaco! It's where James Bond was born.

On this day, in 1923, Juan De la Cierva made the first successful flight in an auto-gyro by flying his own prototype. An auto-gyro is like a helicopter, but unlike a helicopter that has rotating wings powered by an engine, an auto-gyro has rotating wings powered by aerodynamic forces and kindness. An auto-gyro is fueled with a special mixture of petrol and kittens.

Juan was a Spanish civil engineer, but you shouldn't hold that against him. He toiled for four years to make a machine that could let men soar like the birds before falling to the ground and having their spines broken like the birds. He developed many prototypes, each one more unlikely looking than the last. Finally he built the C.4 prototype and this would be his ascent to the heavens one way or another.

The C.4's big advantage was its hinged blades. This allowed them to absorb differing levels of life lift. This meant the C.4 didn't roll over in flight. Of course this was much less exciting for an adventurous pilot but the decreased rate of death was a great product feature.

Auto-gyros are also known as gyro-copters, rota-planes, and whirling limb-cutters of doom. They were used in World War II, which isn't surprising because a lot of bad ideas were used in World War II. The Germans would tether an auto-gyro to their submarines so the pilot could act as a lookout for enemy ships. In the event of an attack the pilot and aircraft were considered expendable (presumably not by the pilot) and would be cut loose for glory and a slow descent into the briny deep.

Auto-gyros are inherently safe, apart from the risk of arms and legs being lopped. Their aerodynamics cause the blades to turn without power so in the event of engine failure the blades will turn enough to control descent. Juan proved this by putting his balls to the wall. A few days after his first successful flight he took another flight and had engine failure. The auto-gyro 's blade continued to turn while descending and Juan was spared. At least for now.

Other aircraft became jealous of the auto-gyro with its ability to not kill pilots on a regular basis. It must think it's the duck's plumbs. The aircraft of the world conspired to get back at Juan and they did. In 1936, Juan boarded a DC-2 aeroplane on his way to Amsterdam to smoke some wacky tabaccy. The plane took off but stalled and crashed onto the roof of a building. Juan was never seen again, until someone spotted his twisted corpse in the flaming wreckage.

Today, auto-gyros are flown for recreation purposes and are subject to some regulations. Pilots are free to jaunt in their death-rollers up to a maximum speed of 70mph. Flight is not permitted if there is more wind than a slight draft. If turbulence is encountered pilots are permitted, but not encouraged, to die in a death roll.

On this day, in 1990, the Time Warner corporation was formed through the merger of Time Inc., Warner Communications, and time itself. Contrary to popular belief Albert Einstein is not the president of time, and neither is Marty Mcfly. The new merged company is the third largest media and entertainment conglomerate behind News Corp. and the Unified Global Godzilla TV Company Pty Ltd, which is commonly known as Disney.

Before all this merger business, Warner Communications was created when some faceless, gigantic corporation spun off its non-entertainment sections into another faceless corporation. Thus, Warner was born. Under the faceless corporation that is Warner are many other notable faceless corporations like the cleverly named Warner Bros. Pictures, and Warner Music Group. At different times Warner also owned DC comics, Mad magazine, and the souls of countless unquestioning consumers, which are always going down in price on Wall St.

Before the merger, Time Inc. was a giant, faceless media corporation and the biggest manufacturers of clocks, calendars, stopwatches, advent calendars, and other time-related paraphernalia. Time Inc. is responsible for some of the world's best known magazines like Time, Sports Illustrated, Fortune, People, and Chipmunk Fancier's Quarterly.

The joining of these two corporate monoliths was conceived in 1987 but it didn't happen immediately. The evil Paramount Communications attempted a hostile takeover with a $12.2 billion bid for Time Inc. As far as Time was concerned this bid was not hostile enough; Paramount should have used some impalings and hatchetings.

Warner bid $14.9 billion in cash and stock for Time and won them over. But for Time Inc. it wasn't about the money, it was the brutal hostility that really got them going. There are suspicions that Warner promised Time that they would put kittens in a bag and throw them into a river. This really got the corporate types going.

Just when everyone thought giant conglomerates couldn't get any more giant, AOL purchased Timer Warner in 2001. Imagine how hostile they must have been. The corporate heads had a week-long summit to decide on a new name for the company and they chose AOL Time-Warner. It was a boring name but it cost $164 billion to get there so no one was complaining.

Since this merger more corporate wheelings and dealings have occurred. No one really understands how they work or why they are being done, but they continue none-the-less. The hope is that one day everything will be owned by one company and this should prevent having to print new letter-heads ever again.

On this day, in 1569, Queen Elizabeth I became the first English man or woman to declare "Two fat ladies, 88." Of course she didn't mean that the number 88 looked like two fat ladies, she just happened to see two fat ladies as she announced the number. This went on to become the first ever lottery in England.

A lottery is a form of state-sanctioned addiction. It involves the drawing of "lots" for a prize. The prize can be whatever you wish for but you can't wish for more wishes. That's rule number one when learning to become a genie. Normally the prize will be cash, and lots of it. See what I did there; "lots" of cash. Get it? Lots.

It is argued that the purchase of a lottery ticket is economically irrational because a player must spend money for what is likely to be no monetary return. This assumes that there is no non-monetary benefit from playing. For example, a single mother, who is an alcoholic, may have to pay to feed her child every day, but if she wastes money on a lottery ticket then she can't afford to feed the child. Thus, the child dies and the saved money can go towards buying tequila slammers. After the death of a child, this may be the only small luxury she can afford to cope.

Of course, this lack of return only applies on an individual basis. If we view the gambling population as a group working together then there is a net profit. Individually, the people would waste the money buying tequila slammers and lottery tickets, but by tricking people out of their money, the government can spend it on more important things, like alc-anon programs.

The probability of winning the jackpot depends on factors like, how many numbers make up the pool in the lottery, how many numbers are picked in a draw, and how bad is your understanding of probability and statistics. If your understanding is particularly poor you may believe that you have a good chance of winning. However, anyone who made it through primary school maths will tell you that you have no chance of winning and you should only use plastic cutlery for fear of stabbing yourself in the thigh.

The biggest prize ever won was in the Mega Millions draw in the United States. The prize was $390 million. This was shared between two ticket-holders in 2007. To put this in perspective, the prize would equal one tequila slammer per minute for the rest of your life, which wouldn't be that long if you are drinking one tequila slammer per minute.

Prizes are sometimes paid in a lump sum. In this case, the money is delivered in a bath-tub so that the winner can swim around in it and rub it all over their body. The other option is to have the money paid in installments, and in this case it will be delivered in nondescript briefcases that are handcuffed to an overweight man who used to work out.

Don't give up on your dreams of winning the grand prize, or as the French say Le whole box and dice.

On this day, in 1968, that delightful man, Johnny Cash stopped with the narcotics for just long enough to play live at Folsom prison. No, he wasn't a prisoner, though he should have been, with all that sex and drugs and glib attitude.

In 1954, Cash wrote a song about a pony called "Pony on my mind". It was never released. But in 1955, he wrote another song called Folsom Prison Blues. It was about something that weighed heavily on Cash's mind; ponies. The new song was still not released until he rewrote the song to be about Folsom prison. Cash had learned from his mistakes so he didn't even include a verse about the Folsom prison pony club for teenage girls.

Cash was inspired to write about Folsom prison after watching the film, "Inside the Walls of Folsom Prison." He wanted to reflect the true life of a prisoner, ponies and all. Apparently, he did and he received requests via email from prisoners around America to visit and play a concert.

Eventually he did at Huntsville State Prison. This concert was moderately successful and was only tarnished by Cash's opening remark, "This isn't Folsom Prison. We should go there. What do you mean you can't leave? I can." Despite this minor faux pas Cash performed at a number of prisons throughout the US.

Cash was fighting a battle against drugs and ponies, and as a result his career began to wane. (Note: "To wane" means to decline, it is different from "To Wayne", which is an order given in battle to take a sword to someone named "Wayne".)

At this time, Cash got a new producer, Bob Johnston, who was known for making crazy decisions. Johnny saw this as a chance to pitch his idea of recording an album in a prison, and I don't have to tell you which prison he had in mind. Cash said to himself "I hear those trains a'callin'. They're rollin' round the bend. And I ain't seen sunshine since I don't know when." It was Folsom Prison.

Two days before the concert Johnny and the band (aka Johnny and the hanger-ons) checked into a local inn and rehearsed for two whole days, which for them was an achievement. They learnt a song written by one of Folsom's inmates called "There ain't no ponies in my heart."

The concert was performed twice on the same day. Once at 9.40am and then three hours later. This was done to have the best chance at getting good recordings of every song. They did. Even the inmate's song that the band had rehearsed was well received. Although, we can assume that the inmate was shived at a later date in an unrelated matter.

The album was a hit that funded Cash's drug habit for many years. The only setback it received was when its broadcast was halted at the time of Robert Kennedy's assassination. At that time, even commercial radio felt the line "I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die" was a bit macabre. This was an overreaction, it's not like they carved it on his headstone or anything.

Johnny Cash eventually went on to cover the song "Hurt", which is about the glorification of drugs. Will he never learn?

On this day, in 1865, a rebellion of approximately 250 black men and women marched upon the town of Morant Bay in Jamaica. Tensions between blacks and whites came to a head after a group of black men had warrants brought against them for being black. The warrants caused the group to rebel and a number of whites and blacks were killed. Even today the rebellion is contreversial and is often mentioned by specialists in black and colonial studies. Specialists always look good in black.

All racial wrongs had been righted some thirty years before with the abolition of slavery. Instead of being grateful, the black population got all in a fuss because they couldn't afford the large fee to be able to vote. The first of many lessons about the free market.

The situation was made tougher by poor economic conditons. The black Jamaicans petitioned the Queen for land to cultivate and she told them to work harder and be happy with the land they don't have now.

A lone black man was imprisoned for trespassing on abandonned land. This angered the population who launched an appeal on his behalf. The appeal exploited a legal loophole that involved breaking him out of prison.

In response the police issued 27 warrants for the arrest of the black participants. The warrants were for specific people but at the time any 27 blacks would do. It was best not to be tied down in details.

In response to this, the rebellion began and resulted in deaths on both sides. In fact, the toll was 18 dead whites and hundreds of dead blacks. In a pure numbers game it was a devestating white victory.

Unfortunately for the white team there were political repercussions. Britons at home debated what should be done with the Jamaican Governer for this fierce action. A committee was established to decide what to do with the Governer. It included Charles Darwin who made an off-colour joke about "evolution at work."

The Governer was never convicted of any crime.

On this day, in 1943, World War 2 Japanese forces decided they had had enough of the family resort island Guadalcanal, and they commenced their evacuation. The allied forces immediately moved in to enjoy the sun, sand, and striptease show for when the kids have gone to bed.

Some doubting Thomas historians think the Japanese withdrew because the effort to recapture Guadalcanal was too great, and the resources could be better used in other parts of the world for evil empire building. The real reason is that Guadalcanal is so last season. Any modern Japanese family on the up and up would not be seen dead there, so it's a good thing they left because if they stayed they would have been seen dead there.

The Japanese Emperor supported the withdrawal. He said "The cost of Guadalcanal has become too great, we shall take our business to Disney World in the next holiday season."

The evacuation kicked off when Japanese infantry arrived to become the rearguard of the evacuation. The air force and navy also began an air superiority campaign in the Solomon islands. A Japanese superiority campaign involves strutting around saying "What the hell are you looking at?" in Japanese. A Japanese air superiority campaign is similar but the strutting is done in the air.

The Americans lost a cruiser and a destroyer, which are types of ships that cruise and destroy. Normally, they cruise with thumping bass and destroy with sick guitar riffs, like the one from Foxy Lady.

Historians claim the Americans didn't impede the Japanese much because they believed it was a reinforcement and not an evacuation. In this case, the historians got it right, and the Americans didn't.

In all, the Japanese successfully evacuated over ten thousand men at the loss of one ship and three million men. The Americans finally figured out the Japanese were gone and declared a mighty victory for truth, justice, and Japanese evacuations. This event brought to an anticlimactic end the six month campaign to control Guadalcanal and all its rides and attractions, including Joseph the Technicolour Horse with his plain coat and colourful personality. You can see why millions had to die for this cause.

On this day, in 1951, the Bitch of Buchenwald, Isle Koch, was sentenced to life in prison for taking part in the murder of 135 people. What a bitch.

Ilse was the wife of Karl Koch, the commandant of the Buchenwald concentration camps, and lover of strong women. She was born in Dresden and was raised by her factory foreman father and His Royal Highness Satan. She went to accounting school yet people still wonder how she went on to become a mass murderer.

She was a fun-loving member of the Nazi party and was known for her warm personality and delicious baked goods. It was at a monthly Nazi SS Fondue Frolics night that she met lovely Karl of the Death Brigade. It was love at first sight so they waited two years and then married.

Her reputation for butchery and baked goods began at a concentration camp commanded by her future husband. Her future husband was Karl Koch, not Satan. She was a secretary and guard in the camp, and she didn't want to hear any chit-chat after lights out even if Hans did say that he liked Helga and wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend.

It was claimed that her husband pushed her to torture inmates, and she would force them to rape each other in plain sight. The Nazi authorities weren't altogether happy about this so they kindly asked her to not do it again.

In 1941 she became the chief overseer (aka big cheese) of the women prisoners at the camp. Her terrifying rule lasted two years before she and her husband were arrested for embezzlement of SS money. Is there nothing these people hold sacred? Her husband was executed and Ilse served two years before being released and going to live in the countryside to recover. The war had been tough on everyone, even Satan.

She was arrested by US authorities, tried and sentenced to life in prison, but in those days people died young so it was only sporting that she be pardoned after two years by the interim American military Governor. This pardon was considered bad form so Ilse was tried again, this time in a West German court. The West Germans know how to make a punishment stick; Ilse was back behind bars.

The most infamous allegation brought against Ilse was that she chose prisoners with interesting tattoos to be killed. She then had their skin made into lamp-shades. These items became a part of Ikea's highly unsuccessful Skinned collection.

In 1967, Ilse had had enough of prison life and she hanged herself from the neck until she was dead. Many people claim that her death in prison is ironic, but that's not what irony is.

The doomed B-52 was dispatched as part of Operation Chrome Dome [sic], which was the American's mission to use up aviation fuel and cause fear in the hearts of gentile men and children everywhere. The mission's purpose was to keep a large number of B-52s armed, fueled and in the air at all times. They achieved this goal along with the unplanned achievement of no less than three major nuclear incidents.

Of course, there is the nuclear incident we all know and love, the Palomares incident. There was also the Yuba City incident when a B-52 ran out of fuel. The cowardly aircrew ejected and the plane crashed to the earth. The nuclear weapons remained intact but a fireman was killed en route to the crash scene. Many suspect this was a commie plan to kill fire-fighters.

The other nuclear fubar was the crash at Thule airbase. A fire forced yet another cowardly aircrew to eject and the plane was left to crash onto sea-ice. One crew member did not escape because he did not have an ejection seat. He knew he had forgotten something when he was getting on-board that morning. This time the commies were more successful; the nuclear weapons ruptured and contaminated a small, insignificant area known as Greenland. The yanks and the Danes launched a major clean-up and made Greenland all nice again, but one nuclear weapon was never accounted for. It could be anywhere, in fact it could be behind you right now, although that is unlikely.

Of course Time magazine jumped right on board and declared it one of the world's "worst nuclear disasters." Is there anything they don't declare one of the world's worst nuclear disasters.

These incidies made the Americans rethink their policy of crashing planes first and asking question later. Operation Chrome Dome was discontinued immediately because it was dangerous and had a funny name. Thepolitical repercussions of having nuclear weapons deployed at all times were too much. The Americans decided to buy a pony instead. A pony with a twenty mega-tonne nuke strapped to its back.Woah Engelbert!

If you learn nothing from these events then you are an American.

On this day, in 1917, the German Foreign Secretary, Authur Zimmermann, sent a telegram to Mexico proposing Germano-Mexicano co-operation against the United States of America. The Germans hoped to make the United States a little less united. The telegram is known as theZimmermann telegram and is believed to be named after Authur Zimmermann, not Robert Zimmerman (aka Bob Dylan) who spells his name differently, and I'm not talking about the whole "Dylan" thing.

The story of the telegram is long and tedious, so here it is. Arthur encoded the message and sent it to the German ambassador in Washington DC. The ambassador realised the message's anti-American rhetoric wasn't intended for anyone in America so he forwarded it to everyone on his mailing list. This list included the German ambassador in Mexico and no one else. The end result is that the message left Germany and ended up in Mexican hands, where it was supposed to be. Once in Mexican hands the message was just like one end of the Mexican bandit mustache.

The telegram was sent in anticipation of Germany's resumption of unrestricted naval warfare, which had less to do with belly-buttons and more to do with shooting first and asking questions later. The German commanders knew this would antagonise the US (and anyone else who happened to be on a pleasure cruise at the time) and they feared the Americans would join the war. That's whyMexi-Deutsche relations were so vital, and why the telegram was sent.

Upon reading the telegram the German ambassador knew what he to do, and after a quick lie down due to indigestion he contacted the Mexicans. He offered material support for a Mexican military offensive against the United States. The Mexicans could take back the US states of Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. They could have also taken back Kansas but they didn't want it. These states had been lost to the US during the Mexican-American War.

The Mexican President (aka head honcho) assigned a general to assess the offer. The general found it was worthless for a number of reasons. First, and this should probably go without saying, invading the United States would mean war with the United States. Second, Germany did not have naval and sea-faring capacity to supply what they promised. Third, the general just didn't want to. This telegram proved to do more bad than good, which isn't hard because it didn't do any good.

Because Germany had no direct telegraphic access to Mexico the message was sent using British and US telegraphic lines. The British intercepted the message and decoded it. The message was then used to encourage the US to join the war on the righteous English side instead of the evilGermexian side.

This episode is an important lesson that can be summed up by a well-known saying that I can't think of at the moment.

On this day, in 1885, LaMarcus Adna Thompson, known as the Father of gravity, patented the roller-coaster, which in those days was called a "inclined railway" or "motion box." The mother of gravity was Mother Nature. She did most of the work when it came to creating gravity, but LaMarcus was always there to open any difficult jars.

LaMarcus didn't invent the roller-coaster, but he did invent names with two capital letters in them. The roller-coaster was invented by none other than John G. Taylor, who is not immortalised in his own Wikipedia article. Throughout his life, LaMarcus obtained thirty patents for roller-coaster related inventions, and he even came up with the idea of making people wait in line to ride. Before he discovered this idea people wanting to ride would pile on twenty to a car, and most would be killed on the first high-speed turn.

At least they would have been killed if there were any high speed turns. Luckily, LaMarcus' first coaster, "The Switchback Railway" hit a top speed of six miles an hour. Surely, in those days a mile was much bigger so the equivalent modern-day speed would be hundreds of miles per hour. No, it was six miles an hour.

The Switchback railway was based on the Mauch Chunk Switchback Railway, which was a coal-mining train. LaMarcus spent countless years adapting the coal mining train into a ride. This gruelling adaption process involved installing seats, and then collecting profits.

For five measly cents riders could climb a tower and get on board for the ride of their life. They would be somewhat whisked down the inclined railway at just above walking pace to the bottom where the fun really started. This is where they got off the train and went to their homes and places of business. The now-empty car would be "switched" onto another track and returned for more hi-jinks.

Nowadays roller-coasters are more interesting. They include loops, inversions, and corkscrews. These extras can only be achieved by a car travelling much faster than six miles an hour. You can see this physical phenomenon at home. Construct a loop in your backyard and then attempt to traverse it at walking pace. Did it work? Of course it didn't, and it's all thanks to real physics.

You may think roller-coasters are only for fun, but even NASA is using roller-coaster design principles to construct an escape module for the Ares-1 rocket. It will be used when the need for an evacuation arises. They do not predict much of a queue. Thank you NASA for making fun less enjoyable.

On this day, in 1976, the Concorde began its commercial life along the London-Bahrain route and the Paris-Rio route. The London-Sydney-Manchester route wasdiscontinued very quickly because it was seen as showing off.

Concorde was a turbojet-powered supersonic passenger airliner, and was also the most pointy aircraft of all time. Many people nearly had their eyes taken out by this marvel of engineering. It could traverse the Atlantic in under half the time of a normal airliner, and it could charge double the price for the privilege.

Engine failure is a bit of a problem for any aircraft, but for Concorde it was more so, and this wasn't just because the passengers were all rich and influential. The other problem was that a failed engine creates drag and can make it difficult to control the aircraft. Concorde got around this problem by having movable ramps that could cover the engine when if it failed. This enabled Concorde to glide aerodynamically even if it had engine failure at over Mach 2. This kept the caviar-guzzling, champagne-swilling toffs happy.

The hottest part of an aircraft, apart from the engines and the hostesses, is the nose. When in flight the Concorde would heat up and lengthen by nearly a foot. This could be seen in the cockpit where a gap would widen between the flight engineer's console and the bulkhead. When a Concorde performed its last flight the flight engineer would leave his cap in this gap where it would become trapped when the aircraft cooled. One particularly slow engineer also caught his finger.

Most commercial aircraft cruise at about 40 000 feet but this was child's play for the Concorde. She really stretched her legs at 60 000 feet. At this altitude everything happened quicker; People got to their destination faster, the little drinks cart got to your seat quicker, and death due to loss of cabin pressure was extremely quick and brutal. For this reason, Concorde had smaller windows to reduce the rate of pressure loss in the event of depressurisation. The crew were also fitted with continuous positive airway pressure, which is breathing equipment that forces oxygen into your lungs and plays positive affirmations as you descend to afirey grave.

Concorde is famous for its droop nose. Her nose could be made less pointy at the push of a button. Drooping the nose let the pilot see where they were going while on the runway. This was seen as a real plus. After take-off the nose was made pointy again to maximise the aerodynamics of the aircraft. The nose had a few different droop positions but they all looked pretty ridiculous.

Concorde is no longer in service because it was expensive and it crashed a lot. Without Concorde there is nothing left that will inspire our children to reach further, try harder, and buy more expensive plane tickets.

On this day, in 1984, the first popular personal computer, the Apple Macintosh, was released upon a somewhat interested world. The first unpopular personal computer was theZyke -13, which weighed only twenty grams and was the size of a park. The Mac was exposed to the world during a commercial break of the 1984 Superbowl. The adportrayed a conformist dystopia being shattered by a girl in running shorts, just like in George Orwell's novel 1984.

The Mac differs form the PC because everything about the Mac is created by Apple; PCs are made by any number of independent hobos. Apple make everything in-house; the operating system, the hardware, even the "wild eep" sound that plays when an error occurs was made in-house by forcing a mouse to inhale helium.

The plucky Mac's development started in the ancient times of the Roman and Greek empires; the 70s. Jef Raskin, an Apple employee, dreamt of a low-cost computer for home use. He was fed up with going to the park to use the local Zyke-13, and when he got there he was disappointed that he couldn't use the swings because the Zyke-13 was in the way. He worked with an Apple (not the fruit) engineer to develop a prototype. Stev Jobs, a founder of Apple, took an interest in the project because the Mac would be more marketable than the other computer in development, the Apple Lisa. The Lisa was similar but targeted a more expensive demographic that would compete with the mighty Zyke Holdings Limited.

Steve jobs knew how to ruin relationships and he stayed true to that ethos on the Mac project. Jef Raskin quit the project in 1981 because of personality conflicts with Jobs, and Jobs' refusal to call him "Big Rask Dawg". Karma would return to bite Jobs' on his posterior just like Big Rask Dawg did on one regrettable winter's night.

Jobs and the Apple CEO John Sculley did not get on, mainly because Jobs refused to call him "Big Sculley Dawg." This time Jobs lost out and he resigned from Apple and has never been heard from since. He is probably working for some tiny, no-name company that only services 5% of the market if he's lucky.

Apple went from strength to strength throughout the 80s. Everything was going swimmingly until they started to drown when the pool dried up and I won several major literary awards for that extended metaphor. The IBM-based PC became the standard for home computing and the rub for Apple is that they don't own IBM. They should have planned ahead.

Apple was knocked down but they always fought back with yet another low-quality, expensive, and cleverly marketed shiny object. In the first round, they fought back with theiMac, which was everything a home PC should be with the added benefit of being quite ugly. Eventually, everyone realised the iMac was hideous and Apple faltered again.

Today, Apple is going strong with another resurgence thanks to the iPod and iPhone range of products, which I don't want because my eight year old Nokia has an LED flashlight on the end of it.

On this day, in 1897, Elva Zona Heaster was found dead by murder in Greenbrier County, West Virginia. Her husband was convicted of the murder with the help of testimony from the ghost of murdered girls past, Elva herself. This proves, once and for all, that the American legal system works.

Little is known or cared about Elva's early life. She was born in Greenbrier County and was a child of Satan who gave birth out of wedlock. Then nothing else interesting happened until she met a drifter named Erasmus Stribbling Trout Shue. With a name like Shue he was bound to be in the shoe business, but he was actually a blacksmith. He had moved into the area to start a new life as a shoemaker or blacksmith.

Elva's mother didn't like Erasmus because she hated shoemakers. This confusion was soon settled so Elva and Erasmus married. The happy couple lived happily as a couple for a short while. Everything was going well but the honeymoon period wasdeclared officially over when Erasmus killed Elva. Oh to be young and in love.

When the body was discovered the coroner was dispatched, but when he reached the murder scene an hour later (he had to pick up some laundry) he found that Erasmus had moved the body onto the bed and had dressed his wife in a new dress. This was unusual because women were normally in charge of caring to the dead and ruiningcrime scenes.

Erasmus stayed in the room while the coroner performed his examination and reacted violently if the coroner tried to look at the body to closely. As a result the death was put down to a condition called "everlasting faint", which is a common condition meaning that the coroner is incompetent. Later, the cause of death was changed to childbirth as Elva was diagnosed with "female trouble", but it was not proven that she was pregnant, or a woman.

At the burial Erasmus kept people away from the body and tied a scarf around Elva's neck saying that it was one of her favourites. Some people said there was a certain "looseness" about the head. This may have been a broken neck or the more obvious explanation that dead people are very relaxed.

Elva's mother, Mary, believed Erasmus had killed her daughter. She tried to wash the sheet that the body was wrapped in and it turned the water red and then clear. She took this as a sign that her daughter was murdered and that she should use a different brand of soap. Modern science has hypothesised that the colour change in the water can be explained by the chemicals that Erasmus worked with as a blacksmith, but the lack of any hard evidence of this proves it was a ghost. If you need more evidence then you should know that Elva also haunted Mary in a dream.

Mary harassed the local prosecutor with trays of scones until he decided to exhume and examine Elva's body. He did and he found that her neck had been broken. He also found a shiny, new penny which was worth a lot in those days.Shue was charged for bloody murder.

At the trial Mary was questioned by Shue's lawyer about the haunting dreams. He thought she could be discredited, but she stuck to her story and the jury was very gullible. As thehaunting had been raised by the defendant's lawyer the judge could not tell the jury to disregard the evidence as crackpot. Shuw was convicted partly because of the ghostly evidence.

When Shue was to be sent to the prison a lynch mob formed for a good old fashioned body-swinging, but they were dispersed by the deputy sheriff. Shue died in prison and was never even lynched once. Justice was never served.

On this day, in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. Even more than that, he made landfall in the Carribean. Columbus's fleet landed in what is now known as the Bahamas on an island Columbus called San Salvador. The natives of San Salvador also had some stupid name for it.

Columbus, and some crew presumably, sailed from Spain in three ships; the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. Five weeks later, the Bahamas were spotted at 2AM by someone who wasn't Columbus.

Today, the island where Columbus landed is not known for sure, but there is an island called San Salvador, so that's probably it.

Columbus met with the native people. He had great repect for their peaceful ways and their ability to learn quickly. He noted this in his journal by writing the natives would make good slaves. This was confirmed to be true because the natives told Columbus that people from the mainland came and took them for slaves as well. Columbus was sold. He immediately put down a 10% deposit on a dozen strong workers and half a dozen virgins.

After a quick meeting Columbus concluded that the natives had no religion. He noted this in his journal by writing "I think they can very easily be made Christians." He also had an interesting business opportunity for them that wasn't pyramid selling.

The natives had no metal and Columbus recorded this by writing that they could be easily conquered. He asked God if it was OK to take six natives back to Spain. God didn't say no.

Columbus also explored Cuba and Hispaniola, which is a Spanish stringed instrument.

The voyage was highly successful and Columbus returned to Spain with many treasures and syphilis.

On this day, in 1978, the Soviet satellite, Cosmos 954, fell out of orbit and onto Canada. This was a major disaster for the Soviets and the Canadians, but it gets worse; the satellite had a nuclear reactor on-board. If you doubt man's glory then I say unto you, look upon our nuclear fireball burning through the sky and despair.

Cosmos 954 should have been used as radar ocean reconnaissance satellite, but this was considered decidedly un-fun. Much better to lob nuclear powered meteorites at the Canadians. The satellite should have separated from its main rockets and boosted its way to a safe orbit, but it failed to detach and returned home a little bit early.

The debris trail stretched 600km across the Canadian Northwest Territories. A clean-up effort was undertaken to collect the radioactive material before any nuclear bears started appearing. A nuclear otter was no small matter either. The initial clean-up and a later operation called Operation Morning Light retrieved only 1% of the total nuclear payload. The remaining radioactive material is still out there making radioactive Sasquatch and/or Canadians.

The Canadians billed the Soviets for the clean-up effort. The total bill came to about six million dollars plus tip. The Soviets weren't entirely happy with the Canadian service so they only paid three million dollars, and told the Canadians they would get the money to them next week when they get paid. They never did.

This incident nearly became the first (and still only) incident covered by the Convention on International Liability for Damage Caused by Space Objects. This is also known as the Liability Convention or CLDCSO, and I also call it the LC because that is easier to type.

Signatories to the LC agree that a state is responsible for any space object launched from that state, even if it is a private space mission, or something really, really bad happens. If two or more states are involved and something goes wrong, the affected parties can sue any of the participating states for the full amount of the damages. Only a state can sue another state for damages, unless they roll a three or less on twelve-sided die.

The Cosmos 954 incident nearly caused a claim under the LC. The only other incident that nearly caused a claim was Skylab crashing into the Western Australian desert in 1979. When Skylab crashed there were no deaths, injuries or damage, so the Shire of Esperance in Western Australia trumped up a $400 littering fine that was, rightfully, never paid by NASA. In 2008, a radio DJ did the American government's work for them and raised the money to pay the fine.

Nuclear space-junk is the coolest kind of space-junk.

On this day, in 1971, Idi Amin lead a military coup to become the new, democratically elected president of Uganda, and all-state steeple-chase overlord. The coup deposed the then current president Milton Obote. He didn't mind because he wanted a break anyway.

Idi Amin, also known as Idi Amin Dada by his small children, was a solider in the British colonial regiment, the King's African Rifles. This regiment is well known unlike the King'sColombian Pistols, or the King's African Pea-Shooters. From these humble beginnings of pretending to be a royal firearm he rose to the rank of Major General, which is just above Minor General, and just below Major Specific General. He also rose to the position of Commander of the Ugandan Army, which consisted of some old jeeps and a bunch of poorly trained soldiers who thought it was too hot to be bothered.

In the lead up to the coup, Amin and Milton didn't always get on and Amin eventually learnt that Milton was going to have him arrested for misappropriating funds. Amin didn't like this one bit. He decided to seize power while Milton was in Singapore at a Commonwealth summit and doing some duty-free shopping. The airport was closed and Amin took control of radio broadcasts. In his broadcasts he promised that his rule would only continue until the situation stabilised, and that anyone with a story about an awkward break-up should call in now for a chance to win a winter weekend with three of your best mates.

Amin's rule was welcomed by the international community and Ugandans alike. He promised to release political prisoners and to not do any violating of human rights. Not even a little bit. However, it is always the same when a military dictator insists there will be no human rights violations; me thinks thou dost protest too much.

Amin appointed himself as President, Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces, Army Chief of Staff, and Chief of Air Staff. It was a valiant effort but really it was too much for one person, even if he did use a very early PDA. He made military tribunals more powerful than civil law and all civilian cabinet ministers were subject to military discipline. Every time they passed a piece of bad legislation they had to drop and give Idi twenty.

After a failed coup by Milton Obote's supporters Amin began persecuting Milton's supporter. At first, particular ethnic groups were killed for supporting Milton but the killing soon became indiscriminate.Religious leaders, journalists, and even clowns and mimes were murdered without any provocation apart from the big shoes and always doing that walking into the wind thing.

Over the years of Amin's rule he became more ridiculous. He awarded himself the CBE, which stands for Conqueror of the British Empire, and comes with a special super-friends power ring. Ugandan radio announced his full title, which was His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal AlHadji Doctor.

Amin's rule didn't last because he was bat-shit crazy. A war with neighbouring Tanzania forced Amin to flee to Libya and then Saudi Arabia where the Saudi Royal family paid him to stay out of politics. He still didn't understand why he was surrounded by so many negativenellies and he lead one more failed coup before being forced back to Saudi Arabia. He lived there until his death.

Very few people attended his funeral apart from his six wives.

On this day, in 1888, the Society for Hitting People in the Face was founded and immediately closed due to unpopularity. It was then immediately re-founded as the National Geographic Society, which has been accepted much more smoothly.

The Society, headquartered in Washington DC, is one of the largest not-for-profit scientific and educational institutes in the world. Pound for pound it is right behind government-run science education programs and extremely gifted silver-back gorillas. It deals in areas such as geography, archeology, natural science, and eliminating its competitors by building ever more elaborate fiery gorilla traps.

The National Geographic Society likes the planet Earth and it isn't afraid to let people know. Their motto is "Inspiring people to care about the planet, and do something about those damn, smug gorillas!" People at the society work tirelessly to promote world cultures, history, and the annual "No Gorillas Day".

The Society's logo is an upright yellow rectangle, which is used on the cover of the National Geographic Society's magazine, which is unimaginatively called "National Geographic." It may surprise you to learn, however it is unlikely, that the Society publishes more than just the National Geographic. They have an exciting range of publications like, National Geographic Kids and National Geographic Little Kids.

The National Geographic magazine is unique in the world because every house has a small stack of them, but nobody knows where they came from. The magazine has the special feature that it doesn't matter how many issues you throw away, a new stack always appears the next time you are cleaning the house.

The Society is directly involved in exploration and research through its indirect acts of sponsorship. It sponsored the translation of the Codex Tchacos, which is the only known surviving copy of the gospel of Judas. It also sponsored Dian Fossey's gorilla research, which they regret to this day. The Society has also been involved in many more expensive explorations to find bits of rock and people dressed in grass skirts.

The Society produces television shows on similar topics reported in its magazine. This is known in the business as killing two birds with one stone, however the Society would never condone bird-killing. These numerous TV programs are watched by millions of bored high-school students around the world.

Please support the not-for-profit work of this hardworking not-for-profit society. The world is a good place once you get to know it, so why not go in to your wardrobe right now and pull out a stack of magazines you thought you had thrown out.

On this day, in 1958, Lego, the Lego company behind Lego, patented their design of Lego bricks, which are still compatible with today's bricks. If only the world's super-powers could get on as well Lego bricks of today and yesterday.

Lego, trademarked Lego, is made by Lego and Lego's most successful product is Lego. Lego, Lego, Lego. Every child who grew up in a proper, developed, western country knows exactly what Lego is and how much fun it is, and how great it is to live in a developed nation. I can't say enough about unhindered access to clean drinking water.

Lots of Lego kits are available to build buildings, vehicles, and space-ships, but you can do so much more. You are only limited by your imagination so squares and rectangles are also popular. The brave among us can also try a hollow cube, but care should be taken.

The name Lego has been overused in this article but I think I can mention it more if I explain where the name came from. The word Lego comes from the danish expression "leg godt", which means "play well." Depending on the translation it could also mean "good leg" or "attractive female with strong calves". it is possible to interpret the name in Latin. In this case the word can mean "I assemble", but this is not a strictly correct translation so there is no need to mention it here, or here.

When Lego was created, wooden toys were still the reigning champions of the toy world. People looked with scorn upon the new, inferior, plastic toys. Wooden condoms were also still the norm. Many shipments of Lego bricks were returned to the manufacturer due to poor sales. These problems were eventually solved but it took five years just to find the correct material for the bricks. Nowadays, it may seem obvious that bricks are made from brick but in those days people were a little slow.

Contrary to popular belief the bricks are not made from brick. They are made form a plastic called acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. As if you didn't know that. The plastic is warmed to over two hundred degrees and injected into a mold and allowed to cool. It is thought that worn out molds are buried in the foundations of new buildings so that competitors can not get their greedy hands on them. This is probably an urban myth because it would be too costly to build new buildings every time a mold runs out just to bury their company secrets, which aren't secret anyway.

Lego has survived in recent years because of associations with major Hollywood movies like Star Wars, and The Constant Gardener. These partnerships have revitalised the Lego brand so a new generation of children can experience the frustration of pulling apart two blocks that weren't meant to go together.

On this day, in every year, lots of interesting things happened. The Eight Years War between the Netherlands and Spain ends when all involved decide things got out of hand. EdwardBransfield sights the Trinity Peninsula and claims Antarctica for all and sundry as long as they are called Edward. An attempted assassination of US President Andrew Jackson is foiled by senators with serious chutzpah. Fire destroys two thirds of a town inPuerto Rico and no one in the western world notices or cares. Yerba Buena is renamed to San Francisco beating out the other contender Yerba Guena 2. USS Monitor, the first successful iron-clad warship is launched and presumably sank because iron and salt water make rust. The Canadian Naval Services become the Royal Canadian Navy and cause the largest purchase of new letterheads in Canadian naval history. Adolf Hitler is sworn in as Chancellor of Germany and things in Germany seem to take a turn for the better, at least in the short-term. A refugee boat is sunk by the Soviets killing 9000 people who might not have deserved to die. The FlyingWandellas' human pyramid collapses killing two Wandellas and spooking a giraffe. In Vietnam, the Tet offensive is launched by the Viet Cong, which is later depicted in the excellent film, Full Metal Jacket. The Beatles perform their last public performance on the roof of Apple Records before the police disperse the audience at the order of the Rolling Stones. Pakistan withdraws from the Commonwealth of Nations citing personality conflict. George Bush Sr becomes the director of the CIA and immediately orders that he become President. In 1989, the American Embassy in Kabul, Afghanistan closes in preparation for the American invasion two decades later. The flautist known as the GreatQuantz is born. King Charles I is beheaded and killed. The first life-boat is tested and is deemed much better than using a drowned body as a flotation device. The first modern suspension bridge is opened linking Wales with the British mainland. TheUK's House of Lords reject the Irish Home Rule and accept a pay rise for Lords. Gandhi is assassinated by a Hindu extremist who wasn't in to badminton. Martin Luther King Jr'shome is bombed in retaliation for the Montgomery Bus boycott and because he is black.

On this day, in 1790, the US Supreme Court attempted to convene in New York for the first time. They were thwarted by a homeless man on the steps of the supreme court when none of the supreme court Justices had any spare change.

The Supreme Court is the highest judicial court in the US. It is higher that the any state court and is even higher than the poorly named Best Court of Best County. The court is made up of the Chief Justice and the seven associate Justices. Together they fight the evil tyranny of LawlessMan and his band of Misdemeanours. The court also goes by the names, the High Court, SCOTUS, and the House of Pain and Regret.

The Justices are appointed by the President according to the fashion of the day, and they must be approved by a majority vote in the Senate. Once a Justice has been appointed his or her endless reign of terror will only end when he dies, resigns, is impeached, or are taken down byLawlessMan.

After the whole kerfuffle with the homeless man in New York, the court was moved to Washington DC. This is more convenient for catching a bite to eat with the President every Tuesday at 2pm.

The number of Justices has fluctuated as the need for law in the US has fluctuated. It also fluctuates when a Justice calls in sick with a cold. Currently, there are nine Justices and a number of unemployed actors working as understudies should a Justice call in sick with a cold.

The President will normally nominate Justices who share his ideological views, but there have been exceptions such as Justice David Souter who was nominated by George Bush Sr. George thought Souter would be a good little boy and make conservative decisions, but Souter had other plans. He made many liberal decisions and is probably a communist or Gandhi.

In recent years a confirmation committee has been used to interview nominated Justices. They interview the nominee and make a recommendation about confirmation to the Senate. Theirrecommendation is either, positive, negative, neutral, or glib and irrelevant. Past interview questions have included "What are you doing here?" and "Do you like me?"

The court's history is defined by the presiding Chief Justice of the time. Some of these time-spans are known as The Roberts End of Days, The Warren Apocalypse, and the Taney Slow Weekend.

The current Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (CJSCOTUS) is John G. Roberts. He is well suited to the job as he studied law at university and has read the story of King Solomon.

January 29th - The Raven

January 28th - Lego Patents Blocks

January 27th - National Geographic Society Founded

January 26th - Cascadia Earthquake

January 25th - Ugandan Coup

January 24th - Cosmos 954 Crashes

January 23rd - Elva Zona heaster Found Dead

January 22nd - Apple Macintosh

January 21st - Concorde

January 20th - Roller-Coaster Patented

January 19th - Zimmermann Telegram

January 18th - First Ship Landing

January 17th - Palomares Incident

January 16th - Medici Bank

January 15th - Bitch Gets Life Sentence

January 14th - Operation Ke

January 13th - Johnny Cash at Folsom Prison

January 12th - Hajj Stampede

January 11th - First English Lottery Draw

January 10th - Time Warner

January 9th - First Auto-gyro Flight

January 8th - Monaco Gains Independence

January 7th - Italian Flag

January 6th - Maria Montessori Opens School

January 5th - Felix Manz Drowned

January 4th - Rover Lands On Mars

January 3rd - Tutankhamen Tomb Discovered

January 2nd - Duquesne Spy Ring

January 1st - Last Gladitorial Battle

Alex was born in Fife, Scotland when he was zero years old. He was the son of a shoemaker, and as the saying goes, the cobbler'schildren have no shoes. It is not known if Alex owned shoes throughout his formative years, but if sweeping generalisations are anything to by, he most likely did not.

In his shoeless, formative years, Alex was known to be quarrelsome and he swore that one day he would be marooned on an island for some peace and quite for four years. No one took him seriously but he showed them. He showed them all.

His first step to intentionally marooning himself in his fortress of solitude was to get a job on the high seas. He this he did with Gusto, his faithful man-servant. Alex and the non-existent Gusto (aka gusto) become buccaneers in the South Seas. Today, we use buccaneer as a synonym for pirate but there were some differences between the two types of sailor. Buccaneers tended to attack coastal cities rather than other ships, and they restricted their activities to the South Seas. It is thought that the two terms became interchangeable because many pirates would try to impress young girls by saying they were not disreputable pirates, but were in fact lovable, adventurous buccaneers. Young girls, being naive as they are, believed these lies and went on to destroy the English language. Is there anything we can't blame on young girls?

A fateful last sailing trip lead to Alex's marooning. He complained that the ship he was on was unseaworthy, so he decided to stay on an uninhabited island, where the ship was restocking, and wait for another ship to pick him up. None of the other crew were convinced to go with him so Alex was left alone with gusto. Immediately, he regretted the decision and chased the ship, but it was to no avail. The next four years and four months would be spent playing the most unexciting game of eye-spy ever.

At first, he was afraid of the animal noises that came from the middle of the island, but he was soon forced inward by the disgusting sound of hundreds of sea-lions in mating season. He built two huts, a parents' retreat, and a double garage with plenty of overhead storage. For food he hunted feral goats that had been introduced by sailors in the past. He even domesticated some feral cats to protect him from being attacked by rats at night.

Alex gave up two opportunities for rescue when the island was visited by Spanish ships. As a Scotsman and a privateer he did not want to be caught by the Spanish. He was probably a horrible racist too. Eventually he was rescued by someone who wasn't a greasy wog.

Alex went back to normal life and married a widow. He lived another decade and died while serving on the Royal ship Weymouth. He never received any royalties for being the inspiration for the story Robinson Crusoe. Nor did he receive any money for his delicious recipe for feral goat in coconut sauce with a side of coconut salad in coconut sauce.

On this day, in 54, Nero ascended to the Roman throne. He was the Roman in the thronan. Nero was the fifth and final Roman emperor of the Julio-Claudian dynasty. Yes, that Nero.

During his reign Nero promoted the arts, and athletics. He really liked men in tights and men covered in oil. He is blamed for the modern stereotype that all theatre is gay.

Nero is suspected of committing matricide, which means killing your mother. I looked it up so you don't have to. There are a few theories why he did this. One is that his mother plotted to replace Nero with Plautus, the man that invented the plate. Nero tried to have her killed in a shipwreck but she was a wiley one. Instead, he had her killed and made it look like suicide. So the story goes.

Nero is remembered for tyranny and extravagance and he obviously had mother issues. She would often make him wear shorts to the Senate.

Nero endured a number of rebellions. The Britons revolted while the local Roman army was away defeating the druids. The Romans returned to quash the rebellion after defeating the druids by doing that thing where you snatch someone's nose.

Nero is most famous as the emperor who fiddled while Rome burned. The fire in question was the Great Fire of Rome in the year 64. It started in a shop that sold flammable goods, which in hindsight, does seem like a needlessly dangerous industry.

The saying goes "Nero fiddled while Rome burned" but the fiddle did not exist in 1st century Rome. It is more likely that Nero was at an open-mic night hashing a cover of Smoke on the Water on the a stringed instrument called a lyre.

To remove the rumour that Nero was responsible for the damage from the fire, he blamed the Christians. Christianity at the time was not the multi-billion dollar industry it is now. Nero ordered some Christians to be crucified, which they were totally up for.

Nero is often held up as an incompetent ruler but the real story is far more complicated and therefore harder to write about. The end.

On this day, in 1637, the bottom fell out of the market for tulip bulbs in what is now known as the Netherlands (aka the Nether-regions). This collapse occurred after the price of the bulbs skyrocketed because of market frenzy and a common phenomena known as "a bad idea". This rise and fall of the bulb market is remembered by the name Tulipmania. It was followed by an unsuccessful sequel Tulipmania 2: The Windmills of Crazy.

Tulipmania occurred during the Dutch Golden Age, which is when Dutch art, science and trade were the most renowned in the world. The Dutch have never seen the likes of those days again, and they never will.

Tulipmania (known informally as "the mania") caused tulip bulb prices to reach stupidly high prices. No one is saying the Dutch are stupid but they sure are stupid. At its peak the mania caused people to buy single tulip bulbs for theequivalent of ten times the annual income of a skilled craftsman. Maybe the Dutch didn't pay their skilled craftsmen very well. We may never know the truth as long as we ignore the copious research that has been done into this time of Dutch madness. Dutch madness is also the Dutch name for road rage that occurs on bicycles. Many people have been victims of Dutch madness and have ended up with oily streaks on their trousers and helmet hair.

The tulip was introduced to the Dutch in 1593. It became popular as a luxury item and status symbol. It supplanted the coveted position held by the bicycle and the much desired golden bicycle. However, no amount of desire can justify the whacky behaviour of the Dutch.

Some of the items exchanged for a single tulip bulb were, two tons of butter, a suit of clothes, twelve fat sheep, one thousand golden bicycles, and one windmill stacked on top of another windmill.

Until recently the explanation of the mania has been that of speculative madness. The market got caught up in the moment like a kid in a candy store and went a bit mad. They should try to be more rational like a kid in a tulip store. This speculative madness explanation is now challenged by modern market analysis.

Modern researchers think that the prices paid for tulip bulbs weren't really crazy (also known as Dutch crazy). The market was alreadybuoyant due to a lull in the Thirty Years war, and the hyacinth market also experienced the same pattern of extreme rise and fall. Even today flower bulbs can command Dutch crazy prices because of their beauty, rarity, and effective marketing campaign. In this century, bulbs have sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars, which would equate to a little over twelve fat sheep or a thousand golden bicycles.

Tulipmania has been cited as the first instance of a speculative bubble and the term is used to describe any modern speculative bubble. So even if the Dutch have never achievedanything else, and they haven't, they achieved that.

On this day, in 1703, all but one of forty-seven ronin committed ritual suicide for the murder of a court official. The remaining ronin was sent to inform the authorities of the murder, and the forty-six ronin didn't really like him either.

A ronin is a masterless samurai. Normally, a samurai needs a master to keep him in line and to keep his accounts for him, a master is also handy for securing a personal loan, but if the master and samurai part ways then the samurai becomes aronin . This parting may be caused by a difference of opinion about the offside rule, or something slightly more dire like the death of the master, which can be very inconvenient.

In this case, the forty-seven men were samurai to a feudal lord who has a name filled with Japanese characters, which won't be repeated here due to a lack of effort on my part. The lordassaulted a court official and, for his crime, was forced to commit ritual suicide, which is just as deadly as your garden-variety suicide.

Why the lord assaulted the official is not known for sure. The official was meant to be giving instruction in the ways of the court but someone took something the wrong way and wouldn't apologise, and the next thing you know all parties are saying things they would later regret. The lord wasn't happy with simply saying regretful things so hekicked it up a notch and attacked the official. He failed to inflict a mortal wound.

For this assault he was forced to commit ritual suicide. This punishment was used to bring justice in crimes of honour and parking infringements. After the suicide the lord's family was ruined and hisronin were released back into the wild. They dispersed for over a year to quell anyone's suspicion of a revenge attack. Some of the ronin became tradesmen, some became monks, and the rest just hung around trying to not be suspicious.

If the Japanese are nothing else, they are bent on bloody revenge. The ronin plotted to avenge their master's death and murder the dastardly court official. They became workers in his house and one of them even married for the sake of getting the plans of the building. This isn't so bad; people marry for worse reasons every day. For two years they plotted and waited for the right moment to strike.

In a co-ordinated attack the ronin swarmed the house. The ronin's leader asked his ronin not to attack women and children, even though the ronin's code of Bushido allows for the killing of anyone within a sword's length. After a lengthy battle the court official was found and he was ordered to kill himself. He opted to have his head cut off instead, which was the lesser of two evils.

The ronin knew they would be ordered to kill themselves for this crime, and they were only too pleased to get on with it. It's a messy job butsomeone's got to do it.

In the topsy-turvy Japanese world the name of the disgraced lord was restored with this act of bloody vengeance. Let this be a lesson to you; it takes the murder and suicide of dozens of men to make up for one clumsy insult.

On this day, in 1958, the hydrogen bomb, known as the Tybee bomb, was lost by the US Air Force off the coast of Savvanah, Georgia. The bomb has never been recovered but Ray Charles did write a song about the incident called "Georgira On My Mind." More like "Georgia On My Guilty Conscience."

This mess started when the B-47 that was carrying the bomb collided with another aircraft. You could also argue that this mess started when Americans were invented, but that is an entirely different inflammatory statement for another time. After the collision, the B-47 was just airworthy (and crazy) enough to work. The pilot requested permission to jettison the bomb so that it wouldn't explode at an inconvenient moment during an emergency landing. Permission was granted because the control tower knew the pilot was a big girl's blouse.

"Bomb's away" came the call from the bomb section of the bomber. The crew watched one of the world's most effective fireworks land in the water and they reported that it didn't explode on impact. The crew were hoping for a similar result in their upcoming emergency landing. They were right to be optimistic because they made it back to base and landed safely. Only the threat of nuclear holocaust at the hands of those damned fool commies could ruin their day now.

A search for the bomb was launched and involved hundreds of navy personnel and a few unhelpful and disappointed blood-hounds. This initial search did not find the bomb, but they did find a copy of the Beatles' album Revolver, which has been described as "the bomb".

In 2004, a retired Air Force Colonel reported that he had discovered the location of the bomb using a Geiger counter, but he, like so many B-47 bomber aircraft, was shot down. The radiation he detected was attributed to natural radioactive sources. Nature: one, retired Air Force Colonel: zero.

The bomb weighs 3400kg and is marked with the serial number 47782. If you see a bomb fitting this description please report it at your first convenience. It is believed to be buried in silt at the bottom of the ocean and the Air Force have decided it is better to leave it there than risk excavation and explosion.

The risk of explosion only comes from the conventional explosives in the bomb. There is no risk of nuclear explosion as the nuclear capsule was removed before the flight. Perhaps the Air Force has learnt the lesson that the less of a nuclear weapon you put on board a plane the safer the flight will be. The logical conclusion is that a plane with no part of a nuclear weapon on board is the safest of all.

The official term for a nuclear weapon incident that does not lead to a risk of nuclear war is "a broken arrow." The unofficial term is "a mighty balls up."

For his efforts, the pilot of the bomber was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross, and the good people of Savannah Georgia wereawarded an unexploded hydrogen bomb.

On this day, in 1987, Mary Gaudron was appointed to the High Court of Australia, making her the first woman to have achieved this distinction. Reports that she is the first woman to have ever done anything are not substantiated in fact.

The High Court of Australia, also known as the Australian High Court, also known as "the be all and end all", is the top court in the Australian court hierarchy. Below the High Court is the Federal Court, the Family Court, and the Smith Family Robinson Court of Appeal. The High Court has both original and appellate jurisdiction, which means it deals with cases on both a "Am not!" and an "Am not! Are too!" basis.

Originally, the High Court was superseded by the United Kingdom's Privy Council, but this avenue has since been closed off when the Australian government realised that Australia isn't Britain anymore.

Justice Mary Gaudron was born in Moree in the great state of New South Wales. At that time she was known only as Mary Gaudron. It is not known when she had her first name legally changed to Justice, but we all agree it is a killer name.

Mary "Hard Ball" Gaudron became interested in law when a politician campaigned in her town about the constitution. Young Mary asked "Can I haz constitution?" and the fine, friendly politician mailed one to her. She was disappointed because she thought the constitution was like the ten commandments so she was expecting two stone tablets in the mail. This obvious lack of intelligence did not deter her for pursuing a career of chargingexorbitant lawyer fees.

Presumably, Mary faced a lot of resistance to becoming a lawyer because she was a woman.

She was not deterred and she became a barista and then a barrister in the great state of New South Wales. Then she went on to become the first female solicitor-general of New South Wales and the first female Queen's Counsel.

Justice Mary, unlike Judge Judy, is considered an important part of Australian legal history. She fought against all forms of discrimination and ruled on important cases likeMabo and some other thing about immigrants.

The old girl retired in 2002, ten years before the mandatory retirement age of seventy. Justice Michael Kirby lamented her retirement saying that her absence has made the High Court "a moreblokey place." If we have learnt nothing else, we have learnt that Michael Kirby can identify a woman when he sees one.

On this day, in 1992, the Maastricht Treaty, which lead to the European Union, was signed. Even today the European Union is regarded as a mildly OK idea. As well as bringing the EU to life likeFrankenstein's monster, the treaty also created the euro, which was the new European currency that replaced bags of salt and black-market ABBA tickets.

It took a great effort to get the treaty ratified by all the member states. In France and Britain support for the treaty was only marginal. In Denmark, the Danes spit on the treaty in a resounding referendum loss of 50,000 votes. Take that progress! All parties eventually decided to play ball and one can only assume that it has been plain sailing ever since.

What really got the Danes on board was that they got their own protocol. This matter pertains to the operations of the National Bank of Denmark to continue performing its operations in those parts of the Kingdom of Denmark that are not a part of the European Union, if it pleases meLud (my Lord). The Treaty is filled with all sorts of stuff like this that no one will ever be interested in, let alone read.

An idea like the European Union is too good to only have one lousy treaty. The EU is based on a few of the most boring documents you could ever possibly choose to not read. In 1951, the Treaty of Paris created the European Coal and Steel Community, and you best believe they had a long, tedious speech. This treaty was signed to create stability in post-war Europe and the Coal and Steel Community went on to become a part of the EU. The EU has even more treaties; the city of Rome is attributed with not one, but many large documents that didn't top the New York Times Bestseller list. These treaties, signed in 1957, created some of the firstsuper-national organisations for economic and nuclear administration.

The Maastricht Treaty created a pillar system for the EU. There was the community pillar, which took care of economic and social policies, and organised shirts vs skins football matches, the Common Foreign and Security Policy pillar managed military matters, and the police pillar took on the fight against crime.

Before you get too excited and run off to tell your best girl about the pillar system, you should wait just one second. The 2007 Treaty of Lisbon came into effect on the 1st of December 2009. This treaty's most important point is that the pillars will be merged into one legal person nicknamed "Diego." This legal person concept is a little bit misleading. The pillars will be regarded as a legal person only for legal reasons, which enables it to do more in a legal capacity. There will be no need to create some kind of super-human/lawyer hybrid with eugenics, which is banned under the treaty of Lisbon.

The EU is a noble effort to create a legal spider-web that no one but Diego can understand. Shame on you France and Finland.

On this day, in 1968, Jim Hines became the first man to run the 100m in under 10 seconds. His record stood until 1983 because people got lazy and didn't get fit until the aerobics craze of the rad eighties.

Hines played boring baseball and was spotted by a running coach who convinced Hines to take up the even more boring sport of sprinting. Hines begrudgingly leapt at the chance.

Hines ran at the 1968 Olyimpcs in Mexico, which included a number of unique events, such as the equine mariachi and the 500m Sangria dash. But the most prominent feature of the games was the South African team. Their admittance was contreversial due to apartheid.

Many US black athletes had threatened a boycott due to the obvious racism of South Africa, and the subtle racism of everyone else.

For the first time in Olympic history the final was run entirely by black athletes. And not for the first time in history the entire Olympics cleaning team was black. It was quite the milestone.

The record time was recorded manually as 9.9s and electronically as 9.95s. The electronic time was considered correct because manual timing was just a guy going "one one thousand, two one thousand..."

After the Olympics Hines took up the slightly less boring sport of American Football. The only problem was that he couldn't play football. He had a terrible career then worked on an oil rig. He should have saved his exhorbetant endorsements and lived a life of riley like sportspeople do today.

On this day, in 1888, a letter was received by the investigators of Jack the Ripper's murders. It is believed to be from the actual killer unlike numerous fakes that were signed "Jack the Skipper" and "Jack the Clipper". Later, it was discovered that these fakes were sent to the police by accident as the senders mistakenly thought they were applying to an employment agency.

The letter got its name, "From Hell", because it was sent from a low-socioeconomic area of London. The tube doesn't even run there.

The letter was convincing because it wasn't signed Jack the Ripper and it was written by someone who couldn't do grammar good. It was believed that the killer may have been poorly educated because not killing is the second thing you learn at an English school. The first thing you learn to do is say "geezer."

What really made this letter stand out from all the other fan mail was that it was accompanied by half a kidney preserved in ethanol. And that doesn't mean the kidney belonged to a heavy drinker. One victim did have her kidney removed.

This letter has never been conclusively proven to be from the killer. It is possible that medical students could have sent the letter and kidney as a prank. Oh, to be young again.

Many letters were sent to the police but only a few could possibly be from the killer. These were nicknamed the "Dear Boss Letter", the "Saucy Jack Postcard", and the "You may have already been slashed Junk Mail."

Jack the Ripper was never caught after killing five victims. He probably stopped because he ran out of stationery.

October 16th - Cardiff Giant

On this day, in 1869, one of America's most famous hoaxes, the Cardiff giant, was discovered. It was supposed to be a 3m tall petrified man, but in reality it wasn't. The mystery will reveal itself unto you.

George Hull had an arguement with a fundamentalist minister about giants walking the Earth, as it says in the Bible. He took the arguement way to seriously and spent $2600 and a year of his time to pull a practical joke on the minister.

Hull had the giant carved and buried, then a year later he had some men "dig a well" to discover the giant man. Hull didn't get out much.

When the workers found the giant one exclaimed "I declare, some old Indian has been buried here!" People in those days were inclined to declare what they were going to say before they said it. This was done so you didn't get a fright when they started speaking.

The fact that the worker immediately noted that it was an Indian, based only on an initial cursory glance was also a bit racist. Times have changed and ettiquite demands that if you find a 3m tall petrified man you should say "I declare, some old Native American has been buried here!"

Many people thought the giant was a fake but some fundamentalist Christians defended it

The giant was exhibited in place for two bits a gander. But this was just the start. Hull sold his part interest for a whopping $37 500 to a syndicate. They moved it to a display in Syracuse. Then the showman P.T. Barnum offered $60 000 for a 3 month go on the giant.

He knew it was a fake but that wasn't as important as the thousands of dollars it would pull in.

However, the syndicate didn't budge on their giant-owning position. Instead, Barnum had a secret plastic copy of the giant made and displayed that. The leader of the syndicate said of the people who saw Barnum's copy of a fake "There's a sucker born every minute."

This is the origin of the phrase. It did not originate, as I think it should have, as the best slogan for a lollipop company ever.

On this day, in 1814, a flood of beer killed nine people in London. A giant vat of beer ruptured causing the destruction of a number of other vats. This caused a tidal wave of alcohol-induced merriment and a hangover that would not soon be forgotten. I should be a journalist.

Eight people were killed due to drowning and one person was killed due to, wait for it, alcohol poisoning. It is suspected the victim of poisoning was just drinking too much and blamed the flood before dying. Either way he will always be remembered as a bloody legend, because drinking a lot is the greatest thing you can achieve in life.

The flood directly destroyed two homes but the metaphorical flood of alcoholism has caused the destruction of millions of lives around the world. But that is less funny that a beer vat exploding.

The London Beer Flood is a contender for funniest fatal disaster ever. It is going neck-and-neck for the title with the Boston Molasses Disaster. This was a similar disaster that resulted in the deaths of 21 people. As the beer flood only had nine deaths it has been scientifically proven that a molasses flood is more dangerous than a beer flood.

The brewery where the flood originated was taken to court but never found to be responsible. The disaster was ruled an Act of God. God always gets the short end of the stick where floods are concerned.

Many lessons where learnt from the beer flood. We learnt that a wave of beer isn't as fun as it sounds, and you should not drink more than a pint of beer at a time lest you tempt vengeful God.

On this day, in 1767, the Maison-Dixon line, which is the cultural boundary between the North and South of the US, was completed. It was surveyed by two men, Mason and Dixon. Or it could have been surveyed by a woman who didn't want to drop her maiden name, but her new husband insisted that she did, so they struck a compromise and hyphenated for the first time in history.

The line was created to resolve a territorial dispute between British colonials. The line partially formed the borders of five US states. These were Pennsylvania, Maryland, Delaware, and West Virginia, and not Alaska because nobody wants a border with Alaska. It smells like fish.

The line was, and is, seen as the cultural dividing point between the Southern and Northen states. The most obvious example of this is that the the states below the line were slave states and the states above the line were slave-free. That means the slaves had been freed or that they finally got rid of them all.

When the ine was established it was considered great fun for freed slaves from the Northen states to visit the line and jump from state to state singing this slave folk tune

"Now, I'm free. Now I'm not. I wish I was free. The brandin' iron's hot."

Even today the line is seen as a point of cultural division. States below the line are considered by the Northen states as backward, and states above the line are considered by the Southern states as backward. How will they ever come together?

The most important thing about the Mason-Dixon line is that Bugs Bunny always pops out of the ground at the line and says "I knew I should have made a left at Albuquerque."

On this day, in 1453, the French recaptured Bordeaux and ended the Hundred Years War. They celebrated with a nice glass of Bordeaux. At the end of the war the English only held Calais on French soil. The French didn't mind because it was touristy anyway and always filled with English..

The war began in 1337 and lasted 116 years. It was called the 100 years war because that's a more marketable name. It was between two houses that claimed the French throne. The House of Valois and the House of Plantagenet, also known as the House of Anjou, just to be confusing.

The House of Valois claimed the title of King of France and the House of Plantagenet claimed the title of King of France and England, which is just greedy.

Over the 116 years of the war there were a number of small periods of peace and one long period of peace, but everyone decided it was very boring and they should get back to the headkicking.

The war was a tactical victory for the Valois and a strategic victory for the Plantagenets. Everybody wins. War, what is it good for? Absolutely everybody.

Another benefit of the war was the quick evolution of military tactics and weapons. The English had learnt new tactics from earlier wars against the Scots. Practice makes perfect. They learnt to employ lightly armoured horsemen called Dragoons instead of heavy cavalry that could easily be neutralised by long-bowmen or a big bag of oats.

The French also had a speacial new tactic, Joan of Arc. She had been responsible for a number of French victories. The English captured her and burnt her at the stake. This was actually a success for the French because it was a subversive effort to use up all the English firewood. The French also had daring plans to drink all the English water and breathe all the English air.

What have we learnt from the 100 years war? We've learnt that a war can go on too long. Anything longer than five years is probably getting silly. We also learnt that women are flammable and should not be held near an open flame.

On this day, in 1873, Captain Jack and some of his closest buddies were hanged for selfishly defending themselves in the Modoc war. Captain Jack was the leader of the Native American Modoc tribe and his real name was Kintpuash. In European circles he was better known as Captain Jack. Perhaps he liked the name better, but it seems unlikely.

Settlers wanted the Modoc land so the tribe had been moved onto a reservation where there were "heap big buffalo and heap less chance of being shot." It was a like a summer camp all-year round. Think of how many wallets you could make.

Kintpuash was unhappy with all the settlers had done for his tribe. How ungrateful. So he got a band of men together and headed out of the reservation. After not achieving much they starting negotiating a surrender at Lost river. It was an ominous sign.

While negotiating, a fight broke out between a soldier and one of the tribe. It started when the tribesman started with a string of "Your mama so heap big" jokes.

Over the next few months a number of skirmishes erupted while Kintpuash negotiated peace, but his subordinates didn't agree with the official strategy of "not doing anything". They revolted and turned Kintpuash over to the soldiers. The group that handed him over included Hooker Jim, Bogus Charley, and Steamboat Frank (brother of Steamboat Willie).

Kintpuash was hanged and now has an electrical substation named after him. What an honour. And it isn't really named after him, it's called the Captain Jack Substation, not the Kintpuash substation.

On this day, in 1818, a treaty between America and Britain was signed. This convention concerned fisheries, boundaries, slavery, and which stereotypes are fair game when one party makes a movie about the other party. These stereotypes included loud American tourists and English people with bad teeth.

The biggest sticking point in the creation of the convention was choosing a name. At first it was called the Convention respecting fisheries, boundary, and the restoration of slaves, but this was too boring. Then it was called the Convention of Commerce between His Majesty and the United States of America, but this was too formal. Finally it was called the You do whatever the hell you gotta do Convention. And this title was just right.

The Convention defined the US-Canadian border in a unique way:

If a man, of average eyesight, walks from Texas toward the North, he shall consider himself in Canada when he spots his first moose or Canadian.

The Convention also made clear who controlled the disputed territory of Oregon. There was fierce debate over ownership and usage rights. Eventually, the British prevailed and Oregon became a US state.

Slaves that were held by the British became property of the United States under the convention. The slaves never thought to purchase themselves.

The Convention was ratified by all the involved parties, except the Native Americans. They abstained from the vote, which nobody minded because no one really wanted to invite them anyway.

On this day, in 1805, the British Navy defeated the combined Franco-Spanish Navy in the most decisive naval battle in European history.

The British navy, lead by the man with the most impressive name ever, the Admiral Lord Nelson, defeated a larger Franco-Spanish force by employing new superior tactics. Nelson split his force into two columns and approached at a perpendicular angle to the single enemy column. This was contrary to the old tactics of turning up and banging away at each other.

The French and Spanish lost twenty-two ships. The British lost no ships but the fleet mascot, a small beagle named Rollie, was spooked by the cannon fire.

Also, the Admiral Lord Nelson was mortally wounded in the aftermath of battle; while taunting the devastated enemy he was shot in the rumpus.

The Battle was the result of much non-cooperation by the French and British. The French, under Napoleon, denied the British any trade with continental Europe. In retaliation, the British kept doing really bad French accents in all their movies. The ceaseless march toward war was inevitable. The Spanish got involved because they are always up for a good rumble.

Many attribute Britain’s victory to the incompetent French commanders. The French had employed the unusual tactic of having most of their qualified commanders shot as part of the French Revolution. As a result the underqualified and under-enthusiastic French Commander Villeneuve was placed in charge of the French fleet. His main strategy was to avoid conflict after he saw Nelson kick the crap out of the French at the Battle of the Nile. Obviously, this strategy did not stand him in good stead when the Battle of Trafalgar erupted.

This Battle established Britain as the dominant naval force for many decades to come. However, they did not capitalise on their domination, instead they spent most of their time singing sea shanties and inventing evermore ludicrous uniforms with giant hats.

Some people said the hats got too big but they were declared enemies of the state and hanged.

On this day, in 1907, a major panic spread through the U.S. financial system that caused the stock market to drop in value by 50%. In the currency of the day this would have been two bits or a jalopy.

Times were already tough due to a recession but bankers thought they could take more, so they went all the way and had a depression. Many banks throughout the entire country weren’t man enough and went into “sissy bankruptcy”, which is a legal term you wouldn’t understand.

The fundamental cause of the crisis was a loss of confidence of New York banks and depositors. They withdrew their funds from the market and didn’t ask that cute girl out because she was way out of their league. The system slowly recovered when depositors were told to “just be yourself.”

The crisis was made worse because the U.S. had no central bank to inject funds into the economy. The central bank had ceased to exist after President Andrew “Hardballs” Jackson let the banking charter expire in 1836. He was also remembered for doing that thing where you use a knife to stab between your fingers on a table.

Without a central bank people were not confident of retrieving their funds from the lender of last resort. Otherwise known as your parents.

The crisis was ended with the guidance of J. P. Morgan who was the President of J. P. Morgan and Co., which was heavily involved in banking and a hot dog stand at the corner of 41^st and Broadway. He rallied bankers to inject much needed funds into the banks to guarantee deposits and rebuild depositor confidence. J. D. Rockefeller, the richest man in the U.S. declared “I will deposit ten million dollars of my own money into the banks and I’m still incredibly wealthy. Will you go out with me?”

At the same time as this crisis, New York City was also in danger of going bankrupt. It wasn’t a good month. In a demonstration of just how great a guy he was, Morgan also purchased thirty million dollars of New York City bonds to save the city. What a guy.

On this day, in 1973, US President Richard M. Nixon handed over subpoenaed tapes of Oval Office conversations about the Watergate scandal. The Simpson’s character, Milhouse, was named after Nixon, whose middle name was Milhous. The difference in spelling is due to lazy fact-checking on the part of Simpson’s writers.

The Watergate scandal gets its name from the Watergate office building. Five men were arrested for breaking and entering there. They were told to do so by Nixon staff, and Nixon was forced to resign after he was discovered as part of a cover up of the activities. And besides he didn’t want to be President anyway and I don’t like this game anymore I’m going home.

Two years of investigations into the cover up eventually lead to the Supreme Court case of United States vs. Nixon, which isn’t a good headline for a US President.

The men committed the break-in to infiltrate the Democratic National Committee, and to illegally use Watergate’s high-quality photocopy equipment to make facsimiles of their buttocks. This second goal was their downfall as they also left photocopies of their faces squished against the photocopier glass. This was a source of much mirth at the trial when the prosecution, acting on behalf of the State, pointed out that they were putting their faces where their butts had just been.

The burglary became a national political scandal when James McCord wrote a letter to Judge John Sirica that speculated on a cover-up. The letter also stated that “I’m fine. How are you?”

This scandal revealed a White House dirty tricks department (not the official name) that included an enemies list, and a plumbers unit that would “plug” leaks. This plumbers unit would find and remove anyone found leaking information to the press and they would fix dripping faucets if time permitted.

Nixon ordered the Attorney General and the Deputy Attorney General to fire the head prosecutor of the case against him. They both refused so Nixon showed them how easy it was and had them both fired.

Eventually the prosecutor was fired but this created a public backlash and forced Nixon to declare “I am not a crook.” This phrase became the slogan for his incredibly unsuccessful re-election campaign.

The scandal taught future US presidents that you can’t operate the White House like it was the Mob. At least not so obviously.

On this day, in 1945, world peace was achieved with the founding of the United Nations.

The United Nations, known as the UN to its friends, is an international organisation with the purpose of facilitating co-operation in international law and security, human rights, economic development, and making blue helmets fashionable. Many countries say the UN has failed to achieve these goals but blue was always going to be an uphill battle.

Currently, there are 192 member states including all independent states, except for Vatican City. Vatican City’s head-of-state, God, is adopting a wait-and-see strategy.

The UN headquarters is located on international territory in New York City. The territory was created as a compromise between the original founding members. The Russians wanted a base on the Moon complete with lasers, and the Americans wanted an underground lair in the icy Arctic tundra. International territory was deemed less inflammatory than a lair or moon-lasers.

Since its construction everyone has been happy with the New York headquarters, although it could do with more parking and a laser.

The UN is organised into five sections. Originally, it was six but the Trusteeship council was closed in 1994 because it couldn’t be trusted.

The remaining sections include the General Assembly, the Security Council, the Secretariat, and the Moon-Base with Lasers Planning Commission.

The General Assembly generally assembles. They meet at regular times throughout the year to vote on admitting member states, budgetary matters, and more parking. Each vote requires a two thirds majority and because the UN uses a one member one vote system it would be possible for some piss-ant group of countries to win against the good countries. Their little scheme falls over because only the best countries get blue helmets.

The Security Council is charged with maintaining peace and security between countries. This includes military action as well as preventing Barnies in the General Assembly. The UN Secretary General, Ban Ki-moon, is known for his mean right-hook.

The Secretariat is not a super-hero secretary.

UN operations are immune to the laws of the countries in which they operate. This rule is being reconsidered because a UN force in Greenland cut off the head of a statue of Greenland’s President and replaced it with a laser.

The UN is not a perfect organisation.

On this day, in 2001, PC users around the world were forced to stop using Windows 98. That’s a good thing because it was so last century. The future of PC operating systems was set in stone with Windows XP. At least until Windows Vista comes out.

XP stands for eXPerience. I’ve been using it seven years and I didn’t know that. This experience was a vast improvement over the Windows 98 experience, also known as the Windows 98 drubbing. XP is known for its stability, efficiency, and many other features that should have been in Windows 98. Microsoft’s slogan for the new version of Windows was;

Windows XP: Now with most of the features you expected in Windows 98.

XP came in many flavours that nobody understood or liked the taste of. For use at home people got the Home edition. For professional use people got the Professional edition. For an expensive paperweight people got a tablet PC with XP Tablet edition.

A tablet PC was a failed experiment in making a new kind of mobile PC. You know how computers are slow, buggy, and unpleasant to use. The tablet PC had all that with the extra benefit that you could take it with you. Now you could have a slow, buggy, unpleasant XP experience wherever you went. However, despite the market research people were unwilling to pay for this privilege.

There was also an XP Starter edition for those who didn’t think they were up to using the Home edition.

The XP development project was codenamed Whistler after the Whistler ski resort. Microsoft staff chose this name because they wanted to convey a fun, exciting experience. They realised they only ever had fun when they were at least a four hour drive away from a computer.

XP came with a raft of new features that aren’t worth describing. Here are a few of the doozies.

• Drop shadows for icon labels on the desktop.

• The ability to group the taskbar buttons of the windows of one application into one button. Mazol Tov.

• Shadows under menus.

And before you say Windows 2000 already had shadows under menus then prepare to be astonished. Windows 2000 only had shadows under the mouse pointer. Yo’ mama!

A new program was introduced called Windows Genuine Advantage. Most people know this program as a little bubble that pops up on screen and doesn’t go away until you click it. The program was implemented to make people click their mouse and stop piracy of Windows. It was so successful that Bill Gates is the only person operating a legitimate copy of XP.

On this day, in 1881, the most famous gunfight of the old West started and ended at the O. K. Corral. The O. K. Corral was located in the town of Tombstone between the Terrible Corral and the Brilliant Corral. Tombstone was not a good name for a town, but it was better than the town down the road called Graveyard.

This gunfight is considered the most famous but there have been more devestating fights. Like the Four Dead in Five Seconds Gunfight, and the Four Hundred to One Slaughter.

The fight was between a handful of men from the Marhsal’s office, a handful of a bandits called the Cowboys, and Old Joe from the local ice cream parlour.. The famous Wyatt Earp was a member of the Marhsal’s office but wasn’t necessarily a good guy because the Marshal’s office was known for its heavy-handed tactics. Old Joe was known for his top notch vanilla ices and his killer eyes.

Gunfights start for a reason. This one kicked off with a sound beating given by Wyatt and taken by one of the Cowboys. Wyatt believed the man was carrying a concealed weapon which was against Tombstone law.

It is hereby declared to be unlawful for any person to carry deadly weapons, concealed or otherwise [except the same be carried openly in sight, and in the hand] within the limits of the City of Tombstone.

This law says that in Tombstone it is unlawful to carry a weapon, concealed or otherwise, unless you are holding it in your hand.

Despite the reputations of many of the fighters most of the participants had little or no experience in a street fight. Hollywood is to blame for the historical misconceptions about these fighters. They’re the real criminals.

The tension between the groups came to a head when the they faced off and started shooting. I find I feel better after a good shooting. Someone else’s shooting obviously. In the end, three of the Marshal’s men were injured and three of the Cowboys were dead.

Many questions remain about who was armed in the fight and why can’t we all just get along. All these questions could be answered by watching the fabulous Hollywood film, Tombstone.

On this day, in 1275, the city of Amsterdam was founded. The city is named for the dam on the river Amstel. So it should really be called Amsteldam. That’s only the first reason to hate the Dutch. Another good reason is it’s called the Netherlands and Holland but the people are known as the Dutch. There must be more to this story. I just don’t care.

Amsterdam was an important port during the Dutch Golden Age, which was a week in the 17th century when the Dutch were liked. The week is marked every year with a month long celebration that includes fireworks and free clogs.

Amsterdam is the major financial and cultural centre point in Holland, the Netherlands, whatever. It is home to the country’s stock exchange and many clichéd windmills. Amsterdam also has many tourist attractions, like the really depressing Anne Frank house and the Rijksmuseum, which houses many consonants and hardly any vowels.

The city is most famous for its lax cannabis laws and houses of disrepute. Prostitutes adorn the windows of brothels to entice punters in. Passing men are also drawn in by the siren song of a prostitute cooing “windmill windmill windmill” in a heavy Dutch accent.

The Dutch utilise bicycles a great deal. Mainly to get to whores and bongs. In Thailand they utilise bicycles to get to boars and hongs, which is a traditional made-up dish.

During World War 2 Germany invaded the Netherlands and conquered it in only five days. The Dutch weren’t helped by the fact that they were only armed with bicycles, weed, and ladies of the night. However, these supplies greatly slowed the German army after the conquest.

Amsterdam is split into a number of administrative areas such as Westpoort, Noord, and Zuidooooooost. During the sixties there was a shortage of typewriters with a working letter ‘o’ key. The country was brought to a standstill.

The coat of arms for Amsterdam is a hooker on a bicycle smoking a blunt.

Amsterdam is now one of the best cities in the world to run a business. Although, it can be difficult to find staff who aren’t stoned off their tits. In this regard, Amsterdam trails only behind London, Paris, Frankfurt, and Barcelona.

The city’s economy relies somewhat on tourism. It’s about a 70-25-5 percentage split between weed, hookers, and all-inclusive bus tours.

On this day, in 1537, the first english-language Bible went into print. It was called Matthew's Bible, named after Matthew Bible. It was the combined work of three translators working in five languages, so it is guaranteed to be accurate.

For their heroic effort, two of the authors were burnt at the stake. This was also known as being "tested by fire". They both failed.

No one knows, or cares, who printed Matthew's Bible. Perhaps it was God. He does a first-rate job at a low, low price. Of course he had a vested interest in this job. I asked him to print up one thousand flyers for my band's gig and he took forever.

To add insult to injury, or more accurately, to add insult to a firey death, Matthew's Bible was not made the first official translation of the Bible. This honour was given to the Great Bible, which was OK at best. It was given the title of "Great" because of its large size.

The Great Bible was based on Matthew's Bible. In fact, it was almost identical. The only difference is that the original author's names were removed and someone else's name was put in their place.

The Great Bible had a first run of 2,500, just to see how it goes. It did very well due to the marketing masterstroke of a Royal decree that ordered all the Churches to buy it.

On this day, in 1938, H. G. Welles broadcast his adaption of Orson Wells' story, The War of the Wells. I mean War of the Worlds. It was a radio broadcast that took the form of a news report that Martians were attacking Earth. This was part of a long running series of practical jokes called "Great Japes of the Thirties". When people discovered it was a joke there was much relief and a lot of guffawing.

Wells' novel (not Welles) was the story of an alien invasion at the end of the 19th century. This was adapted for a newsradio broadcast that was presented as if it was actually happening.

The story goes that aliens land on Earth and meet an awkward, self-concious teenager. They have misadventures and by the end of the show the teenager has gone through a rite of passage and gets with the popular girl.

Many listeners believed the broadcast and were scared that aliens had actually invaded. Many Americans believed the aliens would take their jobs and they should go back to Mexico.

It was suprising that anyone thought it was real because a plot like that is so predictable. Also, during intermissions the narrator mentioned it was just a story. Lots of people didn't fall for that. They know a real alien invasion when they hear about it second-hand.

Many were upset that the broadcast had been presented as real, even if it did repeatedly say that it wasn't. Even Adolf Hitler heard about the panic and said "I'll give you something to panic about."

Some listeners thought the Germans, and not the martians, had invaded. The US propoganda machine had done its job well; making people think the Germans were googly-eyed aliens from space.

An urban legend states that some people armed themselves and rushed to the alien's first landing site in New Jersey. They mistook a watertower as an alien craft and shot at it. The real story is that these people were member's of the anti-watertower league and this particular tower was scheduled to be hit on that day. It had been asking for it with its long legs and large water-holding capacity.

Nowadays the story lives on in many forms. A musical has been written and performed. The story is also the motivation for America's effort to build a fence along the Mexican border.

October 31^st - The Ninety Five Theses

On this day, in 1517, Martin Luther nailed his complaints to the door of a church and all American slaves were freed, some hundred years before being enslaved. Actually that was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I forgive you for your mistake.

Martin Luther took issue with the Church and their sales of indulgences, which are like a get-out-of-hell-free card. You commit murder and lay down some cold, hard cash to get away with it. What's wrong with that?

Luther didn't like these shenanigans so he posted 95 theses as a protest. These included:

• Number 66 The treasures of the indulgences are nets with which they now fish for the riches of men.

• Number 53 The assurance of salvation by letters of pardon is vain, even though the commissary, nay, even though the pope himself, were to stake his soul upon it.

• Legs 11. What's the deal with the Pope and his massive hat? It's huge.

Luther started whinging because some people he knew purchased indulgences to pay for their sins. He believed that forgiveness was a divine right, given by God, and could only be purchased with three easy payments of $39.95, please send your credit card details to

GOD
The Pearly Gates
Heaven, 0001

Luther's protest is considered the beginning of Protestantism. Obvioulsy it is because you can't spell Protestant without protest. People were fed up with the Pope and his giant hat. They wanted a direct line to God and were sick of middlemen jacking up the price.

On this day, in 1512, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, painted by Michelangelo, was exhibited to the public for the first time. The painted ceiling depicts a number of famous religious scenes. When choosing what to depict Michelangelo used the common thread of frontal nudity.

The ceiling covers twelve thousand square feet, took four years to paint, and required no less than 769 trips to the local hardware store. It should have been less but it took a number of weeks for Michelangelo's shipment of skin-wash peach to arrive. The ceiling was Michelangelo's longest and hardest piece of work. That's what she said.

The Pope commissioned Michelangelo to paint the ceiling. Michelangelo thought the Pope's intentions were too grandiose for a house of God but he needed the money and he found carving willies out of marble too slow. Michelangelo leapt at the chance to increase his rate of willie output. After all, this is the goal of all artists.

A scaffolding system was needed for Michelangelo to reach the ceiling as he found it was difficult to create detailed willies when he simply flung paint at the ceiling from the ground. Michelangelo had an audience with the Pope to ask for the scaffold to be built. The Pope accommodated his request by ordering Michelangelo to build a scaffold.

The ceiling is of such a great height that perspective and proportion were a problem for the artist. At first he painted willies that were too small and during a visit by the Pope a papal decree was given that said "the willies should be bigger because everyone can appreciate that."

The ceiling includes over three hundred figures and many Biblical scenes. These include Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the Great Flood, and the Creation of Adam by God, which includes the most famous willie ever painted.

The depiction of the creation of Adam is the centerpiece of the ceiling. It depicts a naked Adam reaching with an outstretched finger to touch the finger of God who is fully clothed. Many people have questioned why God is fully dressed. Does he have something to hide? Clearly, Adam's nakedness shows that he has nothing to hide. It really is quite small.

There is no explanation for God's bashfulness because he is extremely buff.

At one end of the ceiling the painting continues down to Michelangelo's fresco of The Last Judgment. Just to prove that it wasn't really the last judgment many people complained about the extraordinary numbers of willies in the depiction. A "fig leaf" campaign was undertaken to get the painted figures to cover up. This was done some years later by a different painter who painted over the willies with what can only be described as the most unlikely piece of fabric ever.

Today, the Sistine chapel is visited by millions of tourists every year. All agree that it is one of the greatest works of art in the world, although a few more willies wouldn't go astray.

On this day, in 1917, the British foreign secretary sent a letter to the Zionist Federation of Great Britain and Ireland. It stated that the British government supported the establishment of a Jewish homeland on top of Palestine. The letter also stated "How are you?" and "P.S. We can't make it on Wednesday for Fiddler On The Roof."

This letter was the first time the British government had made the establishment of a Jewish homeland an official policy. It had come about due to the efforts of British Zionist leaders. They had originally asked for Palestine to be reconstituted as the Jewish homeland but this was seen as an inconvenience for the Palestinians who were using Palestine at the time.

Each year this day is celebrated by Jews in Israel and in the Jewish diaspora, which is some kind of traditional heartburn medication.

The letter states that the government supports the establishment of a Jewish "national home". It explicitly does not use the term Jewish "state". The cabinet felt that creating a new state would be too problematic and it was better to make things ambiguous for the next 100 years or more.

It is believed that the government's intentions were not entirely pure. They hoped that the letter would generate Jewish support for the Allies during World War One. A parallel strategy of writing similar letters to the Germans was employed without success. Many Germans had never heard of Palestine and definitely didn't want to live there.

In 1922 the letter was included in the British mandate over Palestine. This was approved by the League of Nations, which was a group of super-friends with special power rings. They live today in the United Nations building in New York City.

After World War Two and the Holocaust, many people sympathised with the Zionist movement. This led to the creation of the Jewish state of Israel in 1948. However, despite the popular vote, the Palestinians stubbornly refused to get out of the way.

The neighbouring Arab states declared war with Israel the day after Israel declared its own independence. This was a bad idea as a fruit basket is a more typical housewarming gift. This cultural faux-pas is still a sore spot for both sides and is the root cause of ongoing tension between the two parties.

Israel and the Arab states have been in conflict since Israel was established and it is believed that the conflict will continue for many years to come. If only someone would start handing out fruit baskets.

On this day, in 1793, the French playwright, journalist, and feminist, Olympe de Gouges, was guillotined for being a French playwright, journalist, and feminist. The French really are their own worst critic.

Olympe was a woman, so the odds were stacked against her from the get-go. On top of this she advocated women's rights. She believed that French women should have the same rights as French men. Specifically, the right to talk down to women.

She was born into a lower-middle class family and raised by her father, a butcher, and mother, a laundress. While still young she married a man she didn't love and who was of mediocre means. Naturally, she grew to resent him and luckily, after a year of wedded bliss, he died. Some say it was too much happiness, others say it was the four o'clock from Amsterdam.

Olympe met a new hunk of man who was far wealthier than her late husband ever was, even when he wasn't dead. Naturally, she loved her new pay-cheque much more deeply but their relationship still ended during the French Revolution. However, before their relationship did end Olympe had been accepted into the artistic and political communities. Her empty materialistic relationship had not gone unrewarded.

It is clear from her life and from surviving paintings of Olympe that she was a woman of great beauty. But she wasn't just a pretty face. She probably had a great rack and some sort of opinion.

She is known to have lived with a number of men who all supported her financially. This is more evidence that supports the "great rack" theory.

Olympe wrote about the plight of the blacks in France. For this she was inducted into the Society of the Friends of the Blacks, which meets every other Sunday and please bring a plate.

She was also passionate about women's rights. Specifically, she was passionate about her right to mooch off of wealthy, simple-minded men. Dissappointingly, her dream of equal rights for women was not realised during the Revolution, as she had expected it to be.

Olympe became more enthusiastic with every setback. She became a member of the Cercle Social, a group that advocated women's rights and the mispelling of the word "circle". At one meeting she uttered her most famous quote, "a woman has the right to mount a scaffold. She must possess equally the right to mount the speaker's platform."

She achieved half of this grand sentiment when she was executed for her 'opposition to the death penalty'.

On this day, in 1921, Japan's Prime Minister, Hara Takashi, was assassinated by a right-wing opponent.

Hara was the first commoner to rise to the position of prime minister in Japan. His catchphrase was "commoner and prime minister". He was also the most unimaginative person to ever do anything ever.

His family was of the samurai class. In Japan, this was the class of people who were members of the military nobility. In western countries it gives him a +3 to save in hand-to-hand combat.

At 15, he caught a boat to Tokyo and failed the Imperial Japanese Naval Academy entrance exam. Then he joined a seminary and failed law school. He was ready to become a politician.

Hara was elected to the lower house and was made Home Minister. He didn't believe in the power wielded by non-elected bureaucrats so he spent his days weakening their power by not filling in forms correctly. He also dismissed many bureaucrats from the top levels down to positions such as high school principals. He believed they had only achieved these positions because of their social status.

In 1918, the then prime minister fell from office due the Rice Riots, which are like race riots but but with more carbohydrates. Hara became the new prime minister.

Hara was a cautious prime minister who did not utilise his full power in office. He didn't force through his left-wing agenda and this dissappointed liberals and socialists. Also, because of his left-wing agenda he wasn't like by conservatives, bureaucrats, or the military. Now that he was universally despised the scene was set for an assassination.

Hara was stabbed by a right-wing railway switchman. He was stabbed right in the railway station. Many wondered why the assassin chose to stab Hara; he should have tied him to the railway track while wearing a tall top-hat and sporting a pointy moustache. The assasin only served thirteen years for the crime, which goes to show how disliked Hara must have been.

Hara is remembered for his undying efforts to create an egalitarian Japan and for his struggle to not be stabbed. He failed at both. He showed that a man of noble descent could call himself a commoner and rise to power based on his newly found popular support. We salute you "psuedo-commoner and ineffective prime minister".

October 31st - The Ninety Five Theses

October 30th - War of the Worlds Broadcast

October 29th - Star of India Gem is Stolen

October 28th - US Prohibition

October 27th – Amsterdam

October 26th - Gunfight at the O.K. Corral

October 25th – Windows XP

October 24th – Founding of the UN

October 23rd – Watergate

October 22nd – Panic of 1907

October 21st - Battle of Trafalgar

October 20th - Anglo-American Convention

October 19th - Hundred Years War Ends

October 18th - Mason-Dixon Line

October 17th - London Beer Flood

October 16th - Cardiff Giant

October 15th - "From Hell" Letter

October 14th - Jim Hines Runs 100m in 10sec

October 13th - Nero Becomes Emperor of Rome

October 12th - Christopher Columbus Lands in the Carribean

October 11th - Morant Bay rebellion

October 10th - Outer Space Treaty

October 9th - Great Chicago Fire

October 8th - Stephenson's Rocket

October 7th - Hebrew Calendar Epoch

October 6th - Battle of Arausio

October 5th - Wright Flyer III

October 4th - First English-Language Bible

October 3rd - Captain Jack Hanged

October 2nd - The Battle of Largs

On this day, in 1605, an assassination attempt on the English Royal family was thwarted when Guy Fawkes was captured with explosives under the Houses of Parliament in London. Killing a royal family member is known as regicide. Killing someone called "Reg" is also known as regicide.

Conspirators planned to kill the Royal family while they were on a visit to the Parliament. They also planned to kidnap the Royal children and take them to the Midlands where they were to include them in a classic tale of city kids being sent to live in the countryside and at first they don't want to but the natural country charm eventually wins them over. It was to be the feel-good story of the year.

The conspirators were Catholics who were disappointed that they were not treated better under King James. It's their own fault really because nobody liked their preachy holier-than-thou attitude. In retaliation, they did the Christian thing and decided to murder a family and kidnap their children.

The plot involved mining into the House of Lords from a nearby rented property. A storage room was then filled with gunpowder. Many Royals were to be killed but many Catholics would also be caught in the explosion. Even for the bloodthirsty Catholic plotters this was stepping over the line.

One conspirator sent a letter to his Catholic friend to warn him of the plot and to instruct him not to attend the parliament visit. The letter said that "God and man has concurred to punish the wickedness of this time", which proves that the Catholic God is up for a big Royal explosion as much as the next God. The letter continues that his friend should "devise some excuse to shift your attendance at the Parliament". His friend came up with a great excuse; he couldn't go to the Parliament because he was busy telling the authorities about the plot.

The tip-off lead to the arrest of Guy Fawkes who was guarding the gunpowder. Fawkes told everything about the plot to kill the King. He is regarded as the worst conspirator in the history of Catholicism.

Fawkes was taken to the Tower of London and tortured for more information. Given that he had given up everything he knew when the authorities asked him to, the torture seemed unnecessary. Despite this the King ordered;

This proves that God was working with King James as well. God was in fact the greatest conspirator of them all. What a bastard.

After a failed revolt in the Midlands (due to the lack of a really great feel-good movie that year) the conspirators were captured and hanged. Fawkes was to be hanged from the neck until dead but he got the last laugh when he jumped from the gallows and instantly killed himself. Nice one Guy.

Instead of achieving more tolerance for Catholicism the plot caused a wave of hatred towards them. The lesson is that if you are going to blow up the King make sure God is on your side and only your side.

On this day, in 1905, the Wright brothers flew their third plane 24 miles in 39 minutes. The plane had the clever name of "The Wright Flyer III", That's right, the brothers weren't killed showboating after their first ever powered flight in the Wright Flyer I.

The brothers created the new design by improving on their first two attempts. Here is a summary of the improvements.

• Doubled the size of elevator and rudder.

• Added two fixed, vertical blinkers.

• Widened the skid undercarriage.

• Died of boredom.

The new Flyer was more stable, and the Brothers experienced less severe crashes. This became the slogan for the Wright Brother's airline.

Wright Air - Less Severe Crashes.

Incredibily, the public didn't jump on board, even though the Brothers offered a schedule of flights that lasted twenty minutes and headed in no particular direction. The only demographic they ever really succeeded in was the "I want to fear for my life and then walk home" market.

Today we have the Wright Brothers to thank for delays at airports and sub-par airline food. Should they be blamed for the 9-11 terror attacks? Yes.

On this day, in 1908, the notorious outlaws, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, were reportedly killed in a shoot-out in Bolivia. The third outlaw,Jump Jump Wallaby Moonshine Theodore, escaped unharmed.

Cassidy had a long career in crime. He started young when he broke into a clothes shop and stole a pair of jeans and some pie. He left an IOU promising to pay on his next visit but reckless pie destruction was a serious crime, which is why pie was so unpopular in the Old West.

Butch graduated from pies to train robbery and became the head of the Hole In The Wall gang. They were a rag-tag bunch of misfits who did actually live in a hole in the wall. They were pursued for bank robberies and train robberies. They were also pursued for door robbery as the hole could get breezy at night.

The Sundance Kid also lead a life of crime and ended up in Sundance prison for his trouble. This is where he got his name but he could have also been called the Prison Kid, which is pretty hardcore.

Sundance had a reputation as a gunfighter and killer but he is not known to have shot anyone until the final shoot-out in Bolivia. It is likely that he was confused with another member of the gang, the Curry Kid. Although, the idea that anyone confused "Curry" with "Sundance" is beyond belief. It is further proof that people from the past are really stupid, as suggested by many Hollywood blockbusters.

The successful movie "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" has given the duo the reputation as gentlemen robbers who didn't like to resort to violence. Incredibly, Hollywood got it wrong. Many people were killed in the course of their robberies, including five lawmen. Shame on you Hollywood. Where will the children get their moral guidance and historical facts from now?

After a life of American crime the pair left the US and headed to South America for some South American crime. That's right, they went south of the border, down Mexico way. They headed even Souther than Mexico and settled in Argentina.

From their new base they continued to commit robberies and their last foray was in Bolivia. They robbed a courier of the payroll he was carrying. The outlaw pair were tracked to a hostel and surrounded by up to a handful of men.

The shoot-out resulted in the death of the two bandits but it was never confirmed that these bandits were actually Butch and Sundance. In honour of the two dead men their bodies have been dug up and sent to a lab for comprehensive probing, and it is all being done with the utmost respect.

To further honour the murderers, a successful film was made fictionalising the lives of the pair. So their life of crime and murder was not in vain.

On the flip side, Egica did return a lot of taxes to the people. This was considered a public relations move and, in the people's eyes, didn't make up for the Jew-hating and man-boiling.

In 702 Egica died and was succeeded by his son, Wittiza, who was lovingly referred to as the Whizzer. Wittiza greatest legacy was that he did not repeal the laws made by his father against the Jews. He was quoted as saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." He was also quoted as saying "I hate Jews."

This piece of history goes to show how much things have changed when it comes to religious tolerance.

On this day, in 1871, Henry Morton Stanley found the missing explorer Dr David Livingstone. When he discovered the Doctor, he uttered the now famous phrase "Dr Livingstone, I presume?"

Many believe that he said the famous phrase "Dr Livingstone, I presume" and the Doctor suddenly appeared. If this is then true we are left to question everything we know about cause and effect. It probably isn't true so we can discard the whole chicken-and-the-egg debate.

Livingstone was a national hero due to his work as a missionary and rugged explorer with his own line of cologne. He was also a lower class child who worked hard to become a wealthy man of means. Plus, he was a scientist and anti-slavery campaigner, and he would hug Jesus given half a chance.

The man who found Livingstone, Stanley, is most famous for finding Livingstone.

Stanley was specifically employed to find Livingstone. He was told by his employer to search for the great white explorer at the cost of any number of blacks. Stanley obliged and set out on an expedition with two hundred native porters. The scene was set for a great cost indeed.

During the expedition many porters deserted and Stanley's horse died from the bite of a Tsetse fly. This was not a common occurrence. It was more common for a Tsetse fly to die from a horse bite.

Despite the loss of many porters, due to desertion and overzealous floggings, the party tracked down Livingstone. The Herald newspaper published an account of the meeting that said;

Livingstone's goal was to discover the source of the Nile but he never realised this dream, however, he did achieve many great things. He discovered Lake Ngami, Lake Malawi and Lake Big Momma's House. Also, he discovered Victoria Falls. The Royal geographical Society awarded Livingstone a gold medal for his work. He was disappointed it wasn't a gold star or a sticker that said "I tried my best."

Stanley discovered Livingstone.

On this day, in 1675, Gottfried Leibniz first demonstrated integral calculus to find the area under the graph y= f(x). Amazed onlookers exclaimed "but I'll never use that in real life."

Leibniz was a mathematical and philosophical giant, which is why nobody knows who he is. In mathematics, he invented infinitesimal calculus independently of Isaac Newton, and his notation is still used today in preference to Newton's. Newton was very angry that people didn't use his notation but it was understandable because every line of his notation ended with "Newton = Great."

In philosophy, Leibniz is remembered for optimism. He was considered optimistic because he believed he could earn a living from a career in philosophy. He concluded that the universe was the best possible one that God could have created. Even today, nobody knows how he reached this conclusion. Perhaps it was because of Leibniz's tireless observation of people going about their lives, or perhaps he had sex the night before.

Leibniz also made major contributions to biology, medicine, politics, and other areas of study. Today, there is no single repository of his entire work, and it is scattered across thousands of his letters, journals, and napkins.

Leibniz introduced many mathematical symbols that are still used today. The symbol for integration is derived from the symbol for S. The S stands forsumma , which is the Latin word for pointless. While this seems inappropriate it is important to remember that calculus deals with theinfinitely small, otherwise known as the pointless.

Leibniz also contributed the product rule to calculus, which today is known as Leibniz's law. However, Leibniz's idea of a mathematical proof does not stand up to rigorous modern standards. His proofs amounted to nothing more than geometric intuition that resulted in a number of paradoxical algebraic properties. If you see him in public then feel free to spit on him.

Leibniz was also the first person to use the term analysis situs, which he made up and never explained. He also was the first to use the phrase "Look at me I'm Newton the big dummy."

While he worked as a librarian in Hanover he became a founder of library science. Is there anything he wasn't good at? No, he was annoyingly perfect. It is no wonder Newton hated him.

He was also one of the first computer scientists when he invented the binary number system that represents numbers using only 1's and 0's. This is the basis of all computing and allows pornography to be streamed to every home. Gottfried Leibniz we salute you.

On this day, in 1933, Hugh Gray proved the Loch Ness Monster existed by taking the first ever photo of the undeniably real monster.

The Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie to her close friends, is a mythical and real creature that resides in a lake in the Scottish highlands. Nobody knows exactly what she looks like and her descriptionvaries from sighting to sighting. This inconsistency is explained by the monster's use of camouflage and its ability to shape-shift like a Ninja. It definitely is a real, camouflaged, shape-shifting Ninja of the the lake.

Nessie is the basis of the popular childrens television program Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (in the United Kingdom; Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles.)

Many scientists do not believe in Nessie. They explain it away as a hoax or wishful thinking. Is it wishful thinking to believe in Santa Claus? Maybe it is but on Christmas morning you still end up with Christmas presents. Science takes one in the bread basket.

Nessie is an example of cryptozoology, the study of hidden animals. This area of study was popularised by the movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon." Some scientists cite this as aparadoxical field of expertise; how can you study something that is hidden? They're wrong to take this stance because why would you study something that isn't hidden. That's so easy, anyone can do that. Science takes a strong right-cross on the chin.

The most famous photograph of Nessie is called "the Surgeon's Photograph." It shows Nessie, in plain view, swimming through the lake. The photo wasdeclared fraudulent by, you guessed it, scientists. What those white-coats don't realise is that this photo was taken by a respected man of medical science, a gynaecologist. If anyone knows aboutcamouflaged , Scottish, shape-shifting lake monsters it would be a gynaecologist. Science takes a sharp knee to the crotch and goes down hard, thus leaving the door wide open forcreationism to be taught in schools.

Another scientist claimed the photo was actually of an elephant's trunk coming out of the water. That doesn't make any sense; how did an elephant get to a lake in the Scottish highlands. Only one rationalexplanation remains; a Scottish Ninja monster.

Some footage of Nessie has been captured. One film clearly shows a hump moving across the lake. "Scientists" deny it is Nessie and say that when the contrast of the footage is increased, a man can clearly be seen riding in a boat. In reality, this is Nessie giving a man a ride across the lake. The man was never tracked down to confirm Nessie's existence because if everyone knew about her the price of crossing the lake would skyrocket.

Many expeditions have been launched to find Nessie. Their methods for finding her have ranged from photography to sonar. The lake has been covered from end to end by teams of boats with sonar equipment and none of them have been able to prove that Nessie doesn't exist. This is further proof that she does exist.

Today, Nessie brings millions of tourists to Scotland but scientists want to prove Nessie doesn't and ruin the Scottish economy.

Hollywood has made many films about Nessie, which adds to the evidence that she exists.

On this day, in 1889, American journalist Nellie Bly began her successful attempt to travel around the world in 80 days.

Nellie was born Elizabeth Jane Cochran and was nicknamed Pink at a young age for her head of full pink hair and her "I am woman, hear me roar"-esque pop-rock ballads. She changed her name to Cochrane; she added the "e" to seem more sophisticated but the only result was that she had to correct the spelling of her name all the time.

At a young age she read a sexist column in a Pittsburgh newspaper. This angered her and she wrote a strongly-worded letter to the editor. The editor was so impressed with her "I am woman, hear me roar"-esque attitude that he offered her a job as a tea lady. She threw the offer back in his face (as any modern, independent woman would do) so he offered her a position as his mistress. She considered the idea but the two eventually settled on the position of journalist, which is similar to doggy-style. It was here that she took the pen name Nellie Bly.

Nellie focused her early reporting on the plight of women working in factories but her reporting was not popular. It is hard for a woman who changed her surname for the sake of sophistication to bemoan the trials of working women. She was moved to the fashion pages of the paper and sunk her teeth into topics that weren't important but that all women wanted to read about. This was a blow to her "I am woman, hear me roar"-esque attitude.

Not happy with her current position (doggy-style journalism) Bly planned an expose of the Woman's Lunatic Asylum on Blackwell's Island. It was known for its harsh treatment of patients and terrible living conditions. She faked insanity and was committed. One doctor declared her "undoubtedly insane", but he said that about all women.

Conditions were terrible in the hospital, the food was bad, nobody talked, and the male-to-female ratio was low. Bly's paper had her released and she wrote her expose. It resulted in more funding for the asylum and a bi-annual mixer with the local men's asylum. It also made Nellie famous.

Her next piece of sensationalist journalism was a master-stroke. She proposed to mimic the Jules Verne bookJourney to the Center of the Earth. This was shot down by her editor due to its impossibility. Instead, she proposed mimicking his other book Around The World In 80 Days.

This was at least feasible and her editor gave her the green light just to get her off his back about the whole Jules Verne obsession.

She departed Hoboken, which is widely considered a good decision. She traveled through France, Colombo, Hong Kong and Japan. She returned 72 days later. The trip was technically successful but she didn't buy anything at duty free.

After spending her life writing for the cause of opressed women and fighting for justice everywhere, Nellie married a millionaire who was 42 years older than her. Then she invented and patented the 55 gallon steel barrel and adopted a half-Japanese baby, which she had placed in an orphanage.

Today, we have Nellie Bly to thank for the 55 gallon barrel and intelligent women compromising their values to marry rich.

On this day, in 1971, Intel released the first single-chip microprocessor, the snazzily titled 4004. In the announcement the CEO said "This is a great step forward for computer technology so bring on the bitches."

The feat of a single-chip processor had been the Holy Grail of the electronics world, then Intel finally created it and everyone moved on pretty quickly. It was made possible by a new silicon gate technology that allowed the integration of a higher number of transistors that operated at a higher speed. Plus, it was great at parties.

The chief designers were Fredrico "The Flash" Faggin and Ted "The Hioff" Hoff. Faggin was known for his mad metal-oxide-semiconductor skills. His street cred stems from the time spent at Fairchild semiconductors, and the seven years he spent on the streets soldering circuit boards for dimes.

It's time for a sound off. The 4004 possesses the following featues;

• 16 general purpose registers, OH YEAH!
• program counter and three levels of return address stack, DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT!
• ALU. Is it both binary and decimal? YOU BET IT IS!

The 4004 ran at a maximum clock speed of 740kHz. To put that in perspective, if you ran Windows XP on the 4004 in 1971 then it would be nearly finished booting today.

Today, the 4004 is a hot collectible item. Many women will not consider marriage until a 4004, crafted into a ring, is placed on their finger (or digit, if you want to get technical. I know I do). Prices on eBay range from $300 to $1000. Some of the chips have a date code printed on their underside, which means the purchaser is entitled to a special prize of a date with Ted "The Hoff" Hoff.

The 4004 is the forefather of many chips that we still use today. Did you know that many chips that descend from the 4004 still exist in all skill-tester machines. Some parking meters even have a 4004. This goes to show just how big the 4004 craze was because the meters were mechanical and didn't even use any electronics.

If Intel had followed their traditional numbering system then the 4004 would have been called the 1202. This name didn't have any market appeal so many names were trialed. Some of the test names were the "6678", "Thor's Hammer", and "The Potato", which was an obvious pun on "chips".

It is important to remember the computer's humble beginnings. If it weren't for the tireless efforts of people like David Hasselhoff, we wouldn't have the wide range of software we have today, like solitaire and spider solitaire.

On this day, in 105 BC, the Romans were defeated in battle by the alliance of the Cimbri and the Teutoni. But you must ask yourself who was the real winner. Admit it, you don't know what a Cimbri or a Teutoni is.

The Roman defeat was caused by a lack of co-operation between the Roman commanders. This paved the way for the Roman commander with the gayest name ever, Gaius Marius, to reorganise how the Roman army worked. He decreed there should be more fabulous.

The battle was caused by the aggressive migration of the Cimbri toward Roman land. It's the same reason I shot those gypsies. The Romans took back some of the captured Cimbri towns and then adopted a defensive position. Once they dug in the two Roman commanders worked together to ruin their chances of victory.

They bickered about seniority. One was the military superior and the other was of superior bloodline. And what's more, he started it.

The first contact was minor and resulted in the capture of a senior Roman official. The captured Roman defiantly advised the Cimbri King to retreat. He was then burned to death in a wicker cage. Such is life. Or, such is burning to death in a wicker cage.

Back in the Roman camp, the commanders had really made progrees and were now camping on the same side of the river. But they still were not working together. One commander launched a hasty attack on the Cimbri and had his army crushed. The Cimbri then easily defeated the remaining Roman army.

The Cimbri went off and fought the Averni. Whoever they were. The Roman people had time to recover, and they did under the new saviour of Rome, the Fabulicious Gaius Marius.

It was said that the battlefield where the Roman armies fell was so fertile from human remains that great crops were taken from it for many years. So it wasn't a complete loss. Many Roman children asked their mothers "what did Daddy do during the war? And their mothers proudly replied that Daddy made a better-than-average fertiliser. God Bless you all.

On this day, in 1970, the Soviet Union landed a remote-controlled rover on the Moon. This was the first remote-controlled rover to land on a celestial body. It looked like a bath-tub with wheels. Everything built by the Soviets looks like a bath-tub with wheels. That was their design ethos.

Lunokhod 1 had eight independently driven wheels and was only 2.3 metres long, which meant it was really easy to parallel park. It was fitted with an antenna, cameras, an x-ray spectrometer, and an air freshener. It was powered by batteries that were charged by a solar power array and a fear of capitalism.

To continue functioning in the vacuum of space the rover used a special flouride-based lubricant and the drive system was sealed in a pressurised container known as sealed container.

The spacecraft landed softly in the Sea of Rains, which isn't a sea at all. Many parts of the Moon are called "seas" because of the incredible ignornace of people from the past.

During the day the rover observed rocks and some more rocks, and at night it would be heated by a radioactive heater. Radioactive heaters have not been commercially available since the radioactive heater factory in Chernobyl exploded.

Lunokhod 1 remained active for about eleven months and traveled ten kilometres. After that, it retired to a large home on a small piece of land on the coast of the Sea of Rains and its grandchildren didn't visit enough.

Lunokhod 1 was followed a few years later by Lunokhod 2. This was a rover that looked like a bath-tub with wheels. It had a new array of instruments and traveled some thirty kilometres over the surface of the Moon. Today, thanks to laser range-finding equipment, the position of Lunkhod 2 is known to within an accuracy of one Moon.

NASA and the US government feared that the rovers were sent to the Moon to spread communism. When the Apollo missions landed their fears were confirmed. The Moon had been turned from a capitalist's dream into the desolate, grey, socialist tundra we know today.

Not many Western citizens know about the Soviet achievements in space. The Soviets were the first to reach space with Sputnik, a Russian was the first man in space, and the Soviets were the closest to launching a nuclear-armed space lair complete with lasers. The space lair program was discontinued to fund the purchase of concrete for the Berlin Wall. Until the Wall was dismantled there were plans to launch that into space too.

On this day, in 1978, almost one thousand people died of cyanide poisoning in what has been termed a "revolutionary suicide". This type of suicide is similar to martyrdom because it achieves the death of misguided people. It was termed "revolutionary" because many of the victims wore Che Guevara t-shirts without really understanding who Che Guevara was.

Jonestown was the informal name of a town in Guyana. The formal name was not "The Happiest Place On Earth." It was an agricultural project created by a group called the Peoples Temple. It was intended to be a socialist paradise and if socialism means "location of a mass suicide" then it certainly is aShangri-La.

The suicide was catalysed by the impending visit of a US congressman. Spontaneous "death by politician" is the reason congressmen don't visit their constituents. The congressmen was about to visitJonestown to investigate allegations of human rights abuses.

The town was named after the leader of the group, Jim Jones. He recorded a 45 minute tape of his last sermon. He gave the sermon as members of the congregation drank a mix of cyanide and flavoured drink. This was a cocktail known as "Liar'sKool -Aid." Jones spoke of a plot to kill the congressmen that was being carried out at the time of the sermon. During the sermon thecongressman's death was confirmed. Usually, the death of a politician is only cause for a short, light-hearted news piece looking back on their contribution to the country, instead the town opted for mass suicide.

Jones knew that the killing of a US congressman would mean the end of his town. He says they will "parachute in here on us." This is why the mass suicide was chosen by Jones. He felt the death of nearly one thousand people was a good way to deal with the murder of a politician. He was considered a prophet by his followers. He was. He foretold their future with incredible accuracy.

One woman, Christine Miller, is heard to suggest that the suicide was not the way. Instead, she suggested that the group be airlifted to Russia or "a realShangri-La." Her argument fell on deaf ears. Russians may not have been capitalist pigs but they were a bit too communist and Jones didn't look good in grey. Jones also knew the Russians would want nothing to do with the group after the death of the congressman. However, some US politicians were interested in getting to know him.

This incident gave rise to the expression "Don't drink the Kool-Aid." It means you should not believe without question what you are told. One competitor of the drink Kool-Aid used "Don't drink the Kool-Aid" as their slogan to capitalise on the publicity of the the massacre. It was the shortest lived and least popular slogan in the history of marketing.

Jim Jones was found dead in a deckchair with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. He didn't need to drink the Kool-Aid.

On this day, in 1959, Ford finally put its Edsel range of cars out of their misery by discontinuing their production. The Edsel car range is remembered as one of the biggest commercial failures in the history of commercial failures.

This automotive blight began in 1950 when the Ford motor company became a publicly traded company. The Ford family no longer had control and it was left to the board of directors to steer the company. They mandated the creation of a really ugly range of cars. They also decided that these fabulous, disgusting cars would not compete with cars from other manufacturers. Instead, the directors went all post-modern and built cars that would compete with cars made by other divisions of the Ford company. How egalitarian of them.

The Edsel cars were introduced to the market on September 4th, 1957. The day was dubbed "E-Day". This name was a foreboding omen because E-Day was also the name of the sequel to D-Day, which was one of the bloodiest days of World War 2. Many analogies could be drawn between horrible, bloody war and the failure of a few unattractive cars.

Edsel even had its own TV special. In the spirit of the Edsel cars, viewers would call in to the show and the host would tell them to "piss off." This was the first nail in the coffin of Edsel.

The Edsel range included models called, the Pacer, the Ranger, the Villager, and the WompBox. These cars were only produced for a few years because they were so unpopular. They were unpopular because they had weird names. The least popular Edsel car was the "Hitler". It was badged with Swastikas and the steering always pulled towards Poland. It couldn't be stopped.

Edsel cars decreased in value dramatically after being sold. Ford compensated consumers by providing them with coupons to make up for the lost value. The coupons entitled the bearer to one set of novelty "Back Off" Yosemite Sam mud-flaps. These were not compatible with the Edsel range of cars. Alternatively, people could use the coupon to fund the crushing of their car.

The market perception was that Edsel cars were lemons. This was not true. If an Edsel car was any fruit it would be a watermelon with a banana sitting on top that represents corporate failure. Edsel's demise is better explained by bad business practice.

Many Ford executives did not support the new range of cars. If this was true then the only logical conclusion is that the assembly line workers were to blame for the ugly cars. They were immediately terminated and paid out in novelty mud-flap coupons.

The Edsel failure was most embarrassing for Ford because they spent $400M on the cars and advertising. The marketing campaign tried to create mystery by only showing glimpses of the cars. They also delivered the cars to dealers wrapped in brown paper. Dealers eventually learnt it was easier to sell the cars while they were still wrapped in paper.

The recession of 1957 is also blamed for the failure, however, this logic is backwards. Any proper economist will tell you that the recession was caused by Edsel.

The name "Edsel" is also blamed for the brand's demise. The name came from the Ford family's Mr Edsel Ford. He looked and sounded like an ugly car. A market research company was hired to develop a proper name but Ford didn't use their suggestion because instead of coming up with one name, they came up with six thousand. That was 5999 too many.

The Edsel cars did not fail for one reason; they failed for a combination of reasons. The aesthetics were wrong, the name was wrong, the pricing was wrong. The main thing toremember is that Edsel cars were ugly. The public said the cars looked like "an Oldsmobile sucking a lemon." This phrase was to become the slogan for the multi-million dollar marketing campaign that pushed Edsel as the engine powering America's recession.

On this day, in 1789, the great state of New Jersey was the first great state of the United States to ratify the United States Bill of Rights. Other states ratified the bill of rights before New Jersey but they were nowhere near as great.

The Bill of Rights is the name given to the first ten amendments of the United States constitution. The constitution is the most quoted, and least read, documents in the US. It is the source of all legal authority and that great joke about "the right to arm bears." Classic.

The Bill of Rights guarantees that the government will not deprive a person of life, liberty, or property without the due process of law. Powerful people have overcome this drawback by making the process of law a farce. In federal cases the accused must be indicted by a grand jury of peers and racists. Pending criminal scum are also guaranteed a speedy trial. The best way to achieve a speedy trial is to stack the jury with racists.

Double jeopardy is disallowed by the Bill of Rights. This means a person can't be convicted of the same crime twice. Therefore, it is best to nail the sucker the first time and really make him pay.

The Bill was designed to protect people so some opposed the addition of a Bill of Rights because the ratification of the constitution did not threaten anyone in any way. The founding fathers wanted to prove how useful they were so they pushed the Bill through. They also released no less than fourteen volumes on fashion for men. Their volumes on pony tails and white pants are the best.

Anti-federalists, who opposed the federal US government, argued that the constitution would would eventually grant the President the powers of a King. How wrong they were. A king must answer to God and no US President has ever had to do that. Perhaps the US President is God. We can only hope.

Thomas Jefferson, at the time the Ambassador to France, was not entirely happy with the Bill but he wrote "Half a loaf is better than no bread. If we cannot secure all our rights, let us secure what we can." He also wrote that the French are ridiculous with their berets and stripey shirts. He goes down in history as the worst ambassador to France ever.

One of the original fourteen copies of the Bill is on display at the National Archive in Washington DC. Nobody ever goes to see it.

On this day, in 1985, US Navy intelligence analyst, Jonathan Pollard, was arrested for giving classified documents to Israel. The documents contained information on Arab nations and Jonathan's Top 3 Best Friends Forever List. After his arrest he was no longer friends with anyone on the list.

Jonathan, aka Jay, was bullied as a child. On a trip to Israel he was roughed-up by a non-Jewish boy, possibly Cuba Gooding Jr. Jay blamed these attacks on the bullies' jealousy of his fabulous collection of spinning bow-ties. A more obvious reason was anti-Semitism.

He began to believe that Israel was the only place where Jews could be free from attack. LOL.

Jay earned a degree in political science, which set him on the path to a life behind bars. While studying he met his future wife. She traveled back in time to prevent an apocalyptic end to the world. Her idea of "the end of the world" turned out to be the closure of a major national shoe-store chain. Jay calmed her pretty, little head and decided to marry this whacky chick.

After graduating Jay applied to work for the CIA. He was turned down because he failed a polygraph test. When asked "Is your wife from the future?" he answered "She definitely is if in the future women complain a lot." This did not impress the female interviewer.

Jay was hired by the Navy because they still had a strong sexist ethos.

His career at the Navy was rocky, which is a rather weak Navy pun. He had his security clearance revoked for inappropriate contact with foreign governments. Luckily for Jay, the revocation slipped through the cracks. He moved on to a new job at the Naval Investigative Service.

Jay met an Israeli Air Force Veteran and within a few days he had begun passing sensitive information to him. In return he received a diamond and sapphire worth ten thousand dollars.

For a while Jay would meet an Israeli handler once a week to swap documents and new orders. Sometimes they talked about the football, but not always. Many suspected that Jay was not the only spy working with this Israeli contact. Jay denied this claim saying that he was the only spy he ever cared about.

This espionage is considered the greatest loss of sensitive data in US history. Jay stole about one million documents. Not all at once obviously. That would be stupid.

Jay was discovered when a co-worker saw him with a wheelbarrow full of classified documents. When asked where he was taking them, Jay replied "Not to the Israelis". This did not convince the co-worker and an investigation was started by the FBI.

Things looked grim for Jay and his wife, who was dressed in a futuristic, silver jump-suit. Jay had given his neighbour, a Naval Officer, a 70 lb suitcase filled with documents and asked him to take care of it. When the neighbour couldn't contact Jay or his wife (she was in the middle-ages) he called the Navy and told them to pick it up. The neighbour was investigated but not charged.

Jay and his wife managed to get plea bargains by co-operating with the investigation. His wife has been released and returned to the year 3154. Pollard is still in prison.

On this day, in 1718, the most infamous pirate, Blackbeard, was killed after being hunted down like a dirty pirate, which he was, so everything went to plan. One story about his death said that when his headless body was thrown into the ocean it swam around the pirate's ship two to seven times. This is definitely true because Blackbeard was a really good swimmer.

Blackbeard, aka Edward Teach, was the archetypal pirate. He wore a tricorn (it means three-corner hat. Look it up!) and multiple knives and pistols. To intimidate his enemies he would weave matches into his beard and set them on fire, then after using up all his matches he would pretend to be drunk, stagger toward his enemies and say with a slur "got a light." A few men were able to withstand this fear tactic by replying "I don't smoke" so Blackbeard went a step further and asked "What the hell are you looking at?" At this point, it was kill or be killed.

Nothing is known about Blackbeard's early life. Presumably, he spent his youth accidentally setting his beard on fire.

Before piracy, Blackbeard served on a British ship in the War of the Spanish Succession. He was a privateer; a man serving on a mercenary ship financed by private investors, and charged with attacking enemy ships and capturing booty. That's what I'm talking 'bout. When Britain withdrew from the war, because all the booty was got, Blackbeard turned to piracy to satisfy his hunger for delicious booty.

He got his first taste of piracy under the pirate Benjamin Hornigold. With a name like Hornigold you know he liked the booty. Blackbeard assumed control of the captured French ship, Le Concorde, which he renamed Queen Anne's Revenge. This new name was designed to strike fear into the hearts of British sailors because Queen Anne's Revenge was another name for the sailor's meal rations known for their laxative effect.

Blackbeard cultivated a fierce reputation for himself, but he is not known to have killed anyone. Rumours reported that he killed his own first mate and that he would have his crew rape young girls. But this type of bigoted stereotyping was typical for the oppressed pirate class. In reality he was a lovely man who had some lovely puppies. It is possible that he raped and killed but who really knows in these uncertain times.

His most famous manoeuvre, apart from the raping, was his blockade of Old Charleston Town. Blackbeard's four ships attacked any merchant ship that tried to enter or leave the port. He held some people hostage and asked for the unusual ransom of a chestful of medicine, and a spoonful of sugar. Perhaps he asked for the sugar to help the medicine go down in the most delightful way.

While making his escape two of his ships became grounded. This could have been an accident or maybe Blackbeard did it intentionally so he could increase his share of the booty by leaving behind many of his own crew. It didn't really matter to the stranded crews because they were stuck either way.

Blackbeard accepted a pardon from piracy and retired. This didn't stop him being hunted down like a dog and killed. What a man! The local Governer hired Robert Maynard to find and kill Blackbeard for fear that he was still getting booty. Maynard hunted Blackbeard down and a battle was fought that resulted in Blackbeard's death.

He was decapitated and his head was lashed (good use of this word) to the bowsprit (pointy bit at the front) of Maynard's ship. The body, as you already know, took the opportunity to do a few laps.

Blackbeard's legend lives on today. He is the most famous of all the pirates, apart from Johnny Depp. But did Johnny Depp ever kill a man or rape a girl? Probably, but he has Holllywood to cover up his crimes. Blackbeard didn't hide behind money and the glitz of the stage. He hid behind his flaming beard and the piles of his dead crew members.

On this day, in 1936, the first edition of Life magazine was published. It was immediately more popular than Death magazine. That joke was terrible; I hate my life......magazine. I've still got it baby!

There have been many incarnations of Life, thus proving that reincarnation is real. The 1936 version was a photo-journal published by Henry Luce. He was convinced photos alone could tell a story better than words and illustrations. Obviously, he hadn't seen Disney's Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Luce purchased the rights to use the name Life for $92 000. This was his third successful magazine after Time and Fortune. He also published a number of unsuccessful magazines, such as Amateur Helicopter Lover, and Death magazine.

When the first issue of Life hit the stands, America was in the middle of the great depression, Hitler was in power in Germany, and the Charleston was having somewhat of a revival, however, it was short-lived.

The format for Life was an instant classic. Get born, get job, die. The magazine, also of the witty, pun-filled name, Life was also produced in an appealing format. Lots of photos and not much words, which was good because the creators weren't good at words.

Life's popularity sky-rocketed after only a few months on the stand. Life was voted the number one choice, ahead of the other choices, death, and taxes. Other magazines, such as Look, tried to clone life but failed.

The magazine was conservative, at least as conservative as an inanimate object can be. It took aim at trade unions and, for no reason at all, Detroit. The Detroit mayor hit back saying that the magazine was "cowardly, at least as cowardly as an inanimate object can be."

During World War 2 Life had forty war correspondents, and not all of them were men. These non-men reported the war almost as well as the men. They were rewarded with a pat on the head.

The famous war photographer, Robert Capa, reported the D-Day invasion for Life. When the photos were published they looked out of focus. The magazine claimed it was because Capa's hands were shaking while taking the photos. Capa denied this saying that focused pictures cost extra and the magazine wouldn't pay. Capa was killed in Indochina when he stepped on a landmine. This is also known as "subscribing to Death".

President Truman published his memoirs in Life. He said the magazine gave him the most amount of creative freedom, and money. It was the only fair option with the most money.

There is a lot more that can be said about Life magazine but it is isn't very interesting and there have already been too many puns about the title, Life.

On this day, in 1859, Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species was published. Many of Darwin's critics said Darwin's new theory came too late and the Bible's explanation that "God did it" is the simplest and best. To win over the Bible thumpers, Darwin gave his work the alternative titlePreservation of Favoured Races In the Struggle for Life. The idea of a "favoured" race appealed to many church-goers.

Darwin's work presented a theory that new species emerged from the branching pattern of evolution. He supported this theory with evidence he had gathered on the voyage of the Beagle, which was a giant dog that had evolved into the shape of a ship.

Evidence was of no importance to the righteous and a great debate was stirred up among theologians. Mainly, they debated if Darwin should be burnt at the stake or simply shot. Perhaps they could crucify him but every Christian knew that sort of punishment can backfire in the worst kind of way.

The theory of evolution includes these ideas;

• Every species is fertile enough that if all offspring survived the population would grow.
• Individuals in a population vary significantly from one another.
• Individuals better suited to the environment are more likely to survive.
• God is a great guy. (Added in the second edition to appease certain unnamed parties.)

The introduction includes quotes from William Whewell (aka Big W) who said that life depends on natural law rather than miracles, and Francis bacon, who said to understand God we must study nature. The second edition contained a new anonymous quote that said "Gee, God is lovely."

The Origin of Species contains only one illustration. It is a tree diagram showing the process of evolution. Darwin's first draft also had a crudely drawn picture of a dick and balls. This never made it to publication.

Darwin's concluding remarks talk of the majesty of life and the heroism in the struggle to survive, but there is no mention of God. God is not even mentioned in the acknowledgements and Darwin's critics believe this is an attack on God. It is more likely that God asked not to be included in the acknowledgements because if there is a God he probably doesn't have an ego.

Humans aren't descendant from apes. Humans and apes have a common ancestor.

On this day, in 1867, I, Alfred Nobel, patented dynamite, and I, Alfred Nobel, decided, once and for all, that I was using too many commas. They are a valuable resource and should not be squandered for rhe mere sake of grammar.

I was born in Stockholm to my parents, who I called Mum and Dad (or the Swedish equivalent thereof.) Mother was a woman and father a man, but no ordinary man. He invented plywood. Nice one pater.

When I was at the tender age of 18 I studied chemistry in the United States of America, which in those days we jokingly called the States of America, for it was a young and unstable place. But it was filled with life, opportunity, and was in desperate need of a new type of high-explosive.

When I was the tender age of 31 I worked in my family's explosive factory and a large explosion killed five people, including my brother Emil. I pray that he died in a cartoonish Wile E. Coyote manner, but after reading the coroner's report it seems he died in a rather more brutal and realistic manner.

While I never married I had three great loves who weren't explosives at all, they were real women. Alexandra, sweet Alexandra, I proposed my love to this most beautiful Russian but she turned me away. Slut! Then there was lovely Bertha Kinsky, my secretary and confident, which is really the same thing because secretary has the word "secret" in it. She left me for her old flame. I'll give her old flame, how about the old flame of a massive dynamite epxlosion. Last, but not least, was the dear Viennan flower girl, Sofie Hess. We corresponded for 18 years and I loved her to my death.

Women did cause me many days of woe and misunderstanding so, for comfort, I would turn to something that I could understand but would never love, explosives. I mixed a new stable form of nitroglycerin, and because an explosive is only as useful as it is stable it became an instant success. Alas, my invention tore me asunder.

An accidental release of a premature obituary of my death read "the merchant of death is dead." My legacy was to be the creator of a new, efficient form of mass-murder. This could not stand so I bequeathed some of my assets for the creation of a foundation in my name. Thus was born the Nobel Prize.

Today, prizes are given for physics, chemistry, medical science, literature, and peace. Perhaps there should be a prize for understanding women. Or at least I should learn to deal with breaking up properly instead of inventing ever more dangerous explosives. Oh, to be young and in love.

If I have learned something in life I have learned this, my achievments can be seen as good or they can be seen as evil, and what's more, it is not my choice how other people see my work. All I can be sure of is that I did it and I managed not to detonate any women in the process.

On this day, in 1476, Vlad III Dracula defeated Basarab Laiota and became the ruler of Wallachia for a third time. He had help from Stephen the Great and Brian the Handy.

Vlad was known as Vlad the Impaler (in Africa, Vlad the Impala). He got this gruesome nickname for the cruel punishments he would hand out. His favourite punishment was death by impaling. He also liked wind-chimes, but not death by wind-chimes. He didn't mind those office toys with the swinging metal balls that go click clack click clack.

In the english-speaking world Vlad's name was taken as the basis for the character Vlad, also known as Dracula. He is the original gothic ladies' man. Only Vlad's name was used in the construction of the original Dracula. It is likely that the details of the character were based on Elizabeth Báthory, also known as the Blood Countess. She murdered hundreds of her servants and bathed in their blood in a vain attempt to retain her youth. You will please note the double meaning of the word "vain".

The name Dracula means son of the Devil. Vlad's father Vlad was called Vlad II Dracul, or Vlad the Devil. Vlad II's father was known as Vlad Dra, which means puppies.

Vlad ha an older brother Mircea, and a younger brother called Radu the Handsome. What a guy! In a deal with the Ottoman empire, Vlad's father gave up two of his sons as hostages for a deal. This caused Vlad to not trust his father. He was justified to do this because his father was called Vlad the Devil.

Vlad's reign was split in to three periods with the third beginning at the defeat of Basarab the Bubbly. During these up and down times he was married twice and had a number of children. His first wife flung herself out of a castle window becasue the Turks were invading. You'll never solve your problems that way, and you should stop smoking.

On the night of his death Vlad's body went missing. Probably because he turned into a vampire.

Bram Stoker wrote a novel that used Vlad as the basis of the vampire, Dracula. It was made into a popular movie starring Keanu Reeves. His acting was a bit wooden but the material didn't call for much emotional range.

On this day, in 1095, Pope Urban II declared the first crusade, which had the aim of defeating the Turks in modern day Turkey. Pope Urban II was the Pope's rapper name; on a day-to-day basis he preferred to be called Daryl or Slippery Pope.

The Byzantine Emperor requested that the Pope send western troops (or a tax-deductible donation) to fight the Turks. Things got a little out of hand and the goal soon became the recapture of Jerusalem and to free eastern Christians from Islamic rule. Islamic rule was brutally fair and just, and the Christians felt it was all a bit too easy. Where was the needless guilt and suffering? A quick crusade would fix their little game.

What started as a mid-sized military campaign transformed into a large migration of Western people to the Islamic states. Once there they used the diabolical tactic of not speaking the native language and repeatedly asking for directions in loud, slow english. Even the French did this.

The Crusaders included all levels of society from Knights to peasants, and even Christian horses and sows weighed in on the fight. The pig was obviously a terrifying foe for the Islams.

And now a little about the historiography; Christians 1, Muslims 0. Sing - You'll never walk alone because I stabbed you in the spine. That's right, the Christians conquered Jerusalem and occupied it for two hundred years.

The Pope managed to whip all of western Europe into a fervour by telling the Council of Clermont all the atrocities that weren't happening under Islamic rule. Did children have the fear of God put into them on a daily basis? No. Were women beaten and made to serve men? Probably, but probably isn't good enough! The Council wanted action and they got it when most of France applied for Crusader visas in Jerusalem (similar to a working visa but with no kill limit.)

What really selaed the deal for the council was that the Pope said "Deus lo volt!", God Wills It! Anyone who was on the fence before was now firmly in the Muslim killing mood. One cardinal was recorded as saying "I thought I hated Muslims before but now God has said we should kill them, I don't like them at all." The clergy left the council chanting "What does God want? Jerusalem. What does God get? Jerusalem."

Before the official Crusade army kicked things off a group known as the People's Crusade headed off to the Holy Land for a bit of righteous biffo. They were a rag-tag bunch of misfits with everything to prove, and they were lead by a priest named Peter the Hermit. On the way to the fighting the unruly mob pillaged a number of cities. All of this was done in the name of God.

As you might expect the Jews copped a fair bit in all of this. They really don't have any luck do they?

The First Crusade was only a warm up for the second and third. That's where God got off the bench and into the game. There are many lessons to learn from the needless fear and fighting that occurred during the Crusades. Today we haven't learned these lessons but it is fun to read about it. Keep up the good work, ye faithful.

On this day, 14 billion years BC, the Big Bang occurred, which is generally accepted as the beginning of the universe as we know it. What the universe was before the Big Bang, or even if the universe was, is not known at this time. We may never understand the pre-Big Bang universe because we are restricted to the normal four dimensions; three spatial dimensions and time. Some people, like Einstein, have a limited understanding of the fifth dimension of Coolness. They know that the ultimate meaning for life, the universe, and everything is to wear sunglasses at night.

The fundamental laws that govern our world today were determined in the first microseconds of the Big Bang. These laws were created as quickly as any legislation that increases pay for politicians. The lay of cynicism was created just as quickly.

The first period in the Big Bang is called The Planck Epoch. It was so called because this period created the physical law that says that any comedian holding a plank will hit other people over the head a lot without realising. The mispelling of plank as planck is due to a clerical error.

After the Planck Epoch there was the grand unification epoch. Physical laws at this stage could be described by a grand unified theory (Coming soon). The strong and weak nuclear forces were still unified at this time. The USSR and the USA could learn a lot from their example. Because of this unification the only particle that would have existed was the Higgs boson. The first Starbucks was due to be opened.

Next came the electroweak epoch where the temperature of the universe dropped to a balmy 10²⁸K. The storng and weak nuclear forces seperated. The weak nuclear force and the electromagnetic forces stuck together for fear they wouldn't find anyone better. It isn't a good basis for a relationship.

After this initial complicated bit the universe was filled with a quark-gluon plasma, and scientists have a much easier time explaining that. The current theory is that a quark-gluon plasma is some sort of aeroplane with special seats.

This next period of the universe contains the hadron epoch, which you may misread as hardon. This is about the time matter starts forming.

Matter is widely approved of because it gave us cars, Easter eggs, and other people. Matter was so popular it was used in making stars and galaxies for billions of years. It is still popular today.

Our solar system formed eight billion years ago. From that point our Earth began changing into what it is today. Life formed and was destroyed a number of times before a tiny cell got a foothold and decided that it didn't want to be destroyed. For millions of years there was a struggle against the natural forces of chaos and other life-forms descendant from the same origin.

There were many hits and misses. Dinosaurs came and were ended, a life-form based on the modern day bicycle died out when not enough money was put into bicycle paths.

The organisms we know today, of which humans are one, are the direct result of the universe's fourteen billion year history. Many things have occurred to result in the world around you; physical laws were created, stars formed, and more time than anyone can comprehend has passed. A lot of effort has gone into the universe so please try to enjoy it.

We will never completely understand the nature of the universe. Every answer will lead to more questions. These questions are important because they keep physicists in paid work.

On this day, in 1972, the first commercially successful video game, Pong, was released. Many jokes were made about bad smells. Pong is a one or two player tennis simulation. It has none of the sex appeal of modern day tennis with its fashionable outfits and loose morals. Instead it provides players with a wholesome gaming experience. Pong is no longer popular unlike modern day sexy tennis.

Pong was created by old banana skins and Atari. Allan Alcorn was assigned Pong as an exercise in computer programming. The founder of Atari, Nolan "Paddle Stick" Bushnell, was so impressed with the game he decided to turn it into a commercial venture. Nolan saw the future and he wanted in at the ground level of sexy tennis. You couldn't get more ground level than two blocks hitting another block back and forward.

Pong appeared to be a copy of a game from the first game console, the Magnavox Odyssey. Magnavox sued but he was thrown out for contempt for repeatedly shouting "I am Magnavox. Fear me and my modest collection of reasonably entertaining games."

The success of Pong spawned many clones. There was the less successful Ping, and the more successful, Pang. We won't bother mentioning Pung, the game of skill where you have to catch KKK members with the hand of God. It was decried for its moral ambiguity. People may not like sexy tennis but at least they know where they stand.

Atari thought the best way to fight their competitors was to make better products. That's why Atari isn't a well-known company any more. The best way to fight competitors is to drag them through the courts sucking their limited funds dry and making all the lawyers rich.

Atari produced a number of sequels including Puppy Pong, which was originally called Snoopy Pong. They renamed it for fear of legal action from the owners of Snoopy. There's a heartless corporate ethos we can respect.

Pong also had a home version. It weighed seven tonnes and was the size of a mini-bus. Due to the radiation it emitted it was outlawed for use in residential areas. All for only $79.95.

Thousands of pubs ordered Pong cabinets and patrons flocked to what we would consider today, a child's toy, but only if you hated your child. However, back in the seventies people were less smart and enjoyed watching blocks hit other blocks without any chance of seeing a fit tennis player's underwear. Today, we are much better than seventies people.

Pong is the most famous video game apart from Solitaire and Spider Solitaire. It is referenced in many films and TV shows. A movie has even been made about called "Vengeance of Pong" starring Sylvester Stallone.

If it wasn't for Pong we wouldn't have modern, sexy tennis.

November 30th - Thriller Released

November 29th - Pong Released

November 28th - Universal Epoch

November 27th - Declaration of the First Crusade

November 26th - Vlad III Becomes Ruler of Wallachia

November 25th - Dynamite Patented

November 24th - On The Origin Of Species

November 23rd - Life Magazine Published

November 22nd - Blackbeard Killed

November 21st - Jonathan Pollard Arrested for Spying

November 20th - New Jersey Ratifies US Bill of Rights

November 19th - Ford Edsel Discontinued

November 18th - Jonestown Massacre

November 17th - Lunokhod 1 Lands On The Moon

November 16th - LSD Synthesised

November 15th - Intel 4004

November 14th - Around the World In 80 Days

November 13th - James Braid Learns About Hypnotism

November 12th - Loch Ness Monster Photographed

November 11th - Gottfried Leibniz Demonstrates Calculus

November 10th - Dr Livingstone Found

November 9th - Egica Passes Harsh Law

November 8th - Louvre Opened as a Museum

November 7th - Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid Killed

November 6th - Australian Republic Referendum

November 5th - Gunpowder Plot

November 4th - Hara Takashi Assassinated

November 3rd - Olympe de Gouges Guillotined

November 2nd - Balfour Declaration

November 1st - The Sistine Chapel

On this day, in 1918, the Ice Kingdom of the Atlantic became the modern day sovereign state we know as Iceland. Other names that were considered include Iceworld and Ice T. The national anthem of Iceland is Ice Ice Baby.

Iceland sits on the Mid-Atlantic ridge, which makes it volcanically and geologically active. This means the population of 320 000 have the constant threat of volcanic eruption that will destroy this island-nation and everything they know and love. Considering this ever-present danger they are suprisingly happy people, but only when drunk.

Iceland has some ice and some land but the most prominent feature is the large sand plateau. Tourists visit this beautiful never-ending sandy vista and are often heard to say "It has all the drawbacks of a beach without any of the benefits."

Modern day Iceland is one of the most economically free societies in the vicinity of Iceland and an area that covers up to fifteen kilometres off the Icelandic coast. The UN rates Iceland as the most developed nation. This is largely due to Iceland's liberal views towards gay marriage and Bjork. The UN also likes Iceland because the Security Council loves icey cold Coke. Once again, Ice Ice baby.

This tiny, meaningless icey island has the greatest production per capita. The rest of the world gets it; Iceland is the Shangri-La of the North Atlantic. Unfortunately, the country was hit hard by the global financial crisis, which some people call the GFC despite the fact that this is a terrible acronym. Iceland's economic downturn is blamed on the reduced sales of albums by Bjork, which are unanimously considered a luxury item by all economists. Only the economist Karl Bruudfeld believes that Bjork is a neccessity but he is biased because he heads Estonia's official Bjork fan club and he is an idiot.

In 2009 a minority government was elected in Iceland and their leader became the first openly gay head of state. Minority government; get it?

Iceland has its own unique flora and fauna. An Icelandic horse is like other horses except it is covered in ice during winter. During summer it is impossible to tell them apart, unless you see the horse in Iceland then it is a pretty good bet. Many plants are native to Iceland, but iceberg lettuce isn't one of them.

The first people to settle Iceland were probably monks and hermits looking for a really cold homeland with a forward-thinking government. They weren't dissappointed. One look at the forzen horsies and they knew it truly was a North Atlantic Shangri-La.

When the Norsemen saw how happy Iceland made the hermits they decided to get in on the action. They systematically settled the icey tundra and began thawing the horses. They also thawed some Icelandic sheep, which are the same as normal sheep with the addition of a small gas furnace.

Iceland's long struggle for survival and relevance has been won with the blood, sweat and tears of many hermits and chilly pony rides. It has all been in vain now that Bjork's album sales have started to slump.

December 2nd - University of Leipzig Opens

On this day, in 1854, Australian democracy was born when twenty gold-miners were killed in an uprising over expensive paper. The battle was between the righteous and virtuous miners and the law-abiding, local bureaucrats. It was the classic case of an irresistible force hitting an immovable object and then getting shot.

The revolt occurred near Ballarat, which is known for cheap beer, loose women, and the giant pick-axe, which is a tourist attraction adored by many. The specific furor was localised but the underlying tensions were widespread. The reasons were many; taxes were too high, and what's more, miners don't like paying taxes. Especially high ones.

The miners wanted the right to vote, purchase land, and claim lots of deductibles but the local plod didn't want a bar of it. Twenty of the revolting miners were shot in the process. That's a good number if you're into that sort of thing.

There were a number of protests that eventually lead to the killing. The biggest of which was at Bakery Hill where 10 000 miners gathered to voice their concerns and purchase delicious baked goods. The lack of baked delights was dissappointing but at this meeting the miners formed the Ballarat Reform League that had the goals of giving a voice to the voiceless and ending the tyranny of taxation without representation. They also decided that Bakery Hill was a misnomer.

A Canadian miner designed a flag to represent the miners. It was a blue background with a set of white stars representing the Southern Cross star formation. The flag intentionally did not include the British Union Jack. This was done as a further act of defiance. The flag also didn't include a nice picture of a nice duck but this didn't outrage a single person. Until now.

The famed stockade was a wooden structure built of wood and bravery. It was never intended as a military structure but such are the best laid plans of mice and men. No one intended getting shot either.

The exact number of deaths on each side is not known. It was perhaps six policemen and soldiers and some twenty miners. Many Irish miners were killed but no one bothered to keep count.

The revolt was put down and many men were put on trial for their parts. The Irish continue to be shot on sight.

Public support for the miners was large and the knock-on effect was vast and sweeping like some kind of massive broom. Common men eventually got the vote and the right to not be shot.

The ship had been sailing for a month and was found in good weather. The crew's personal possessions were still on board and it was under full sail heading towards the Straits of Gibraltar. The crew must have known about Gibraltar's refusal to allow duty-free sales. They would rather perish at sea than pay full, retail prices.

Many theories have been proposed to explain the crew's mysterious disappearance but the duty-free evasion theory is the best.

Some say undersea earthquakes, aka seaquakes, were to blame. The sea rumbled and the crew were shaken from the lower levels of the ship just like coins from a piggy bank. This theory is laughable. I know this because I'm laughing.

A waterspout was also blamed. Its name was Jeffery and it may have been trying to save the crew from the unfair application of duty taxes. This theory is also laughable because all developed nations have duty applied and it would be unreasonable to expect them to be lifted.

Even more fanciful explanations exist like aliens or ghosts, BOO! This seems unlikely because if aliens or ghosts did visit Gibraltar they would not be charged duty anyway. There would be more at stake than that.

Before the voyage the Captain wrote a letter that was generally optimistic but somewhat foreboding.

When the British ship happened upon the Mary Celeste the crew immediately thought something was suspicious. They launched a boarding party, which returned quite shaken. They reported the ship was entirely seaworthy yet the single life-raft was missing along with the ship's papers and the um...er....uh...sextant.

An investigation was held to determine what happened to the crew of the Mary Celeste. The findings were inconclusive.

For the next thirteen years the ship changed hands seventeen times. Many owners took issue with the crew disappearing even though it was sold as a "feature". The last owner tried to sink and burn the ship to make a fraudulent insurance claim. His plan was discovered and he was thrown in jail for fraud and refusal to pay duty.

No one knows for sure what happened to the Mary Celeste and her crew. Perhaps it was some sort of sea-elephant.

On this day, in 63 BC, Marcus Tullius Cicero read his orations that exposed the plot of Lucius Sergius Catalina to overthrow the Roman government. He intended to pass a law that all Roman names must have -ius added to the end of them even if they already ended in -ius. Lucius already has his named changed by deed poll to Luciusius.

Cicero was a jack-of-all-trades; he was a philosopher, lawyer, constitutionalist, and samba afficianado. He did many things and it showed because he wasn't good at any of them. This didn't stop him becoming consul of Rome and exposing the Cataline plot.

Catalina was more focused than Cicero. He was simply an humble, hard-working politician. Also, he preferred Rumba. He had grand plans of becoming a member of the Roman consulship and become all-state rumba king.

Having failed in his bid to join the consulship the first time around, Cataline was determined to make it the second time, no matter the cost. He resorted to bribery, which was rather costly, but he was so committed he began bribing senators without hiding his shame or rumba dance-pants.

Cicero passed a law that was clearly aimed at stopping Catalina's machinations, which is a kind of rumba dance move where the girl slides acroiss the floor.

In response, Catalina plotted to murder Cicero like the fiery latin Lothario he so badly wanted to be. Cicero defended himself with mighty words in a speech to the Senate. They imposed senatus consultum ultimum, which is a real thing.

During the ultimum the consulship election was held and Catalina lost again. He was heard to shout in despair "Curse my fiery latin temper!" He planned on raising an army against Cicero but Cicero would use more words to stop him.

Cicero gave a stirring oration bemoaning the actions of Catalina and once again confirming salsa as the ultimate aphrodisiac. Catalina fled to a secret camp in the hills. he was tracked down and killed in battle.

Cicero milked it for all it was worth and gave two more orations on the topics ofconspiracy and marimba rythms. Catalina's co-consirators were executed. Rumba did not become popular again until the late 1980s.

On this day, in 3761 BC, the Hebrew/Jewish calendar began. The calendar is used for remembering to do particularly Jewey things, like not celebrating Christmas. It included important dates and practical day-to-day information like which psalms to read, and what is a psalm anyway.

Originally, the calendar was used for all aspects of life, but the Jews realised there was more to life than reading psalms and not celebrating Christmas. Some time in the first century BC, the Jews abandonned their God and switched to the Julian calendar.

The calendar was based on the movement of the Sun and Moon so the Jewish Year varied in length, and ran in a 19 year cycle of 235 lunar months. In Jewish communities it is considered the greatest achievement to know what day it is.

A Jewish week is seven days. Thanks be to all the Jewish Gods. But the days of the week are simply named after the number of the day. So it is acceptable, in Hebrew, to say "I'll see you at seven on seven."

Due to the difference between the length of twelve lunar months and a solar year the calendar introduces the idea of a "leap month", which isn't worth explaining.

If you like to party then this calendar is for you. It has four different dates that mark the new year. Unfortunately, you do need a PhD in relativity to figure out when they are. It is required by Jewish law that all invitations to Jewish new year celebrations include a mathematical proof of the celebration's existence.

The final nail in the coffin of the Jewish calendar was that it was always unclear where Christmas should be.

It is clear that the Jewish calendar was created by someone who didn't own a watch. And even if they did, they wouldn't be able to use it because they have no concept of time whatsoever.

You ken always tell a taxi coz its for just a few geezers and we don't take shared rides. I 'member once Mick Jagger tried to get in me cab when I already had Elton John on board. Get away! I yelled at him. Get an aircut an all!

Not many people know that taxi is the short word for taximeter cab. That's right me ole lovelies. It goes back to the original Latin term taxa and the Greek metron. Those words mean charge and measure so that's how the whole fing comes about. You see I'm not just a pretty face; I also has a horrendous drinking problem.

O' course the horse-drawn carriage was the first real taxi. My wife said she thought it used to be that peasants would carry nobles around on their back. The toffs'd all stand around saying look at Mr Fancy riding dat peon to his castle on the Moon. He must fink he's the cat's nipples.

The first meter-equipped taxi turned up in Paris in 1899. Those Frenchies know a fing or two about making us English pay through tha nose. Some yank then took the cabs to New York and painted 'em yellow coz yellow is the colour most easily seen at a distance. My wife is most easily seen at a distance too. Youralright luv, don't get a flat tyre in ya undercarriage.

Lots o' vehicles get used as taxis. Carriages, rickshaws, the VW Beetle was tha most popular taxi in Mexico for a long time. If it's good enough for Hitler then those Mexos are bound to think its the grasshopper's plums. Even boats get used as taxis. Those Venetians no a fing or two about that.

Me own cab is tha well-known black taxi. It's a real honour to be able to drive it. I get so much respect from American tourists, even tha most ignorant ones.

Us London cabbies have to know The Knowledge. We 'ave ta know all the 320 routes thru London. Plus there are 25 000 streets to learn. It takes up to four years to get it but when you do the feeling is indescribable. No, that's not true; I'd describe it as "Thank Fuck that's over." Ya know wot I mean?

When you're learning the Knowledge yo ride around London on a scooter with a clipboard in a special holder. Everyone knows what yer doing and you feel like a right tit. But it is how I met me first wife. Dumb slut!

Drivin' a cab is great. I meet so many people. Famous ones too. I love meetin' the celebrities. Except for fuckin' Mick Jagger.

Charles was a kid living the American dream. Raised by wealthy parents, he played football for his high school, and he had been to prison for firearm possession. God bless America and all who sail in her.

It all went horribly wrong on one unlucky day in 1976. Charles took a car for a test drive and was accompanied by the car-yard mechanic. It went well, the clutch was smooth and the radio had both AM and FM. It really was a golden age. During the drive they picked up Charles' friend, Woody Loures. All the men enjoyed the drive until Charles and Woody took the mechanic to a motel, tied him to a chair with coat hangers and shot him in the head. That'll teach him for changing the radio station so much.

For his crime Charles received a death sentence and not even the Supreme Court would give him a stay of execution. However, they did bake him a cake in the shape of a rocket ship. It was made with the lightest flower, creamiest butter, and sweetest sugar Charles had ever eaten. It did ease the blow.

When the execution time came Charles was strapped to a gurney and two IV lines were fed into either arm. One is the main line used for the drugs and the other is a used as a backup. The needles are sterilised to prevent infection, which many people say is ridiculous, but whose laughing now with the swine flu heading our way. The death row prisoners sure aren't.

A number of drugs were administered in sequence. First, an anaesthetic that renders the prisoner unconcious. Second, a muscle relaxant that stops the lungs. Third, a drug that causes cardiac arrest. If this does not kill the prisoner the government will pass laws until they are sure the prisoner is dead.

Just before the injection Charles would have given a final statement in front of God and the execution witnesses. Prison records show he made a prayer to Allah and then said "I think Oscar Wilde's last words were 'Either these curtains go or I do.'" He was right but it didn't matter.

Charles died seven minutes after being injected. His body was transported to the Medical Examiner's morgue. The mechanic had nothing to say about the execution.

On this day, in 1991, the Soviet Union called it a day and the Commonwealth of Independent States was born free, as free as the wind blows. The Soviet Union dissolved like the Wicked Witch of the Eastern Bloc. Hello Pulitzer.

The Soviets, now there was a movie villain we could all understand with the added bonus that we didn't know enough about soviet culture to realise that all the characters were based on incorrect and offensive stereotypes. The main problem westerners had with the soviets is that they were socialist, or communist, or something.

The word "soviet" means "council" and that's how the soviets did everything. Want to build a road, form a council. Want to run a factory, from a council. Want to invade a minor nation at the Russian border, form a council. Everything was managed by a big council known as the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

Of course, power built on beauracracy is only as effective as the population's willingness to believe in that power. The Soviet Union was destined to fail because they were not the righteous Americans, now ere they even one of the nice european nations like Italy or Portugal.

Like an underwhelming Pheonix rising from the ashes, the Commonwealth of Independent States was born as the Soviet Union died. Now, all the little countries that made up the Soviet Union could really be free. It says so right in the name.

The CIS is like a confederation, which isn't much of a reference point. It's more like a metaphor, in that everybody thinks they know what it is but when asked they rarely give the correct definition. Let's say the CIS was like the original European Community because you've never heard of either.

The CIS is more than just a name because it does have powers that extend beyond national borders. These powers are in areas like finance, lawmaking, and organising "Hands Across Kirghiz" events. They have also contributed support to the UN for peacekeeping operations. Anything involving a council and they're in like Flynn.

Check out the the Commonwealth's name in another zany language, "Sodruzhestvo Nezavisimykh Gosudarstv ". No wonder all of Eastern Europe is still in the dark ages.

The Commonwealth succeeded where the Soviet Union failed. Sure, they haven't achieved world domination but they have achieved a nice, quiet, relaxed life without the threat of nuclear anihilation. This is to say nothing of their meaningless, token gestures of support for the United Nations.

December 9th - John Birch Society Founded

The Society opposed the civil rights movement because there were communists working for civil rights. If we opposed everything that had at least one communist working for it then we wouldn''t support a damn thing. What's their problem with the communists anyway. Doing things together isn't such a bad thing. Unless you're forming the John birch Society then you should give up now.

On this day, in 1955, the television show, The Mighty Mouse Playhouse, debuted on television. This was the first time a superhero mosue had been shown on television.

Mighty Mouse was not a real mouse. The Easter bunny isn't real either but the chocolate eggs he lays are. Those rabbit eggs sure are tasty. The point is that Mighty Mouse was created as a parody of Superman, who was in turn a parody of AverageMan. AverageMan's special powers included washing the car and re-heating leftovers. The pull-string talking AverageMan doll would get drunk and abuse his children before sobering up and crying about it. Superman was a real man; he wouldn't beat his kids and cry about it, he would just beat them.

Mighty Mouse was going to be called Super Mouse. They changed the name because "Might is right" is a much better slogan than "Super is super." Also, a comic book character was to be called Super Mouse. The creators didn't want a lawsuit on their hands, and a battle between two Super Mice could destroy us all, or at the very least nibble the world's cheese in a super way.

At first Mighty Mouse had a blue costume and red cape, like Superman. Then they changed to yellow and red. This wasn't because he mixed colours in the washing machine.

His superpowers are similar to Superman's. He can fly, has x-ray vision, beat kids, and he is incredibly strong. He also leaves a red contrail as he flies, which he can manipulate like a solid elastic band whenever the plot requires. Mighty Mouse can also turn back time like that other muscle-bound hero, Cher. Mighty Mouse didn't have a horse face.

In the silent version of the show Mighty Mouse was voiced by Roy Halee Sr. Roy Halee Jr is of no importance. Although, Roy Halee Sr would probably disagree.

Mighty Mouse had two girlfriends that we know of. If they're anything like normal mice they had millions of babies. On top of that they are "mighty" so they are personally responsible for all living creatures. One girlfriend was Pearl Pureheart who was a tramp. his other girlfriend, Mitzi, was a tramp.

Mighty Mouse's arch-nemesis was a cat called Oil Can Henry, who was half oil can. He would drink milk and fix squeaky hinges in an evil way. In the early version of the cartoon Oil Can Henry was a human who would drink milk and fix squeaky hinges in an evil way. The creators changed Henry to a cat because there is nothing evil about a human oiling hinges. A cat oiling hinges is weird and creepy.

Mighty Mouse was never extraordinarily popular but he was his creator's most popular character, which is a backhanded compliment. They didn't make many episodes of Mighty Mouse because it wasn't very good.

On this day, in 1901, Guglielmo Marconi received the first transatlantic radio signal at Signal Hill in Newfoundland. Nobody remembers who sent this first transatlantic radio signal, which leads to the conclusion that Marconi was a morally corrupt corporate shill desperate to climb the social ladder at any cost. Friends mean nothing to Guglielmo and it's fun to say his first name over and over again.

Not suprisingly, Marconi was a Facist. Also, an Italian. He was an apologist for the Facists, which might mean he apologised for their actions but we can't be sure because the Wikipedia entry on Apologists isn't clear. The thing to remember is that he was the worst kind of Facist and if it wasn't for his exempelary work in radio he wouldn't be worth writing about.

Marconi was a founding father in the creation of radio. He wasn't a radio DJ, which you might think is the obvious joke. His work in radio came about because of an early interest in science and electrcity. One of Marconi's inspirations was Heinrich Hertz, who was probably a Facist but not Italian. Hertz had published papers on radio waves, which he incorrectly called Hertzian waves.

Marconi began building his own experiments in the attic of his home. That's the reason he spent all that time up there alone. There really isn't any reason to look into any further and definitely don't go up there and look for yourself. His goal was to produce an effective form of wireless communication.

His experiments grew and grew as he achieved each success. Eventually he could transmit a message over 1.5km using an antenna that was only 2km tall. With such jaw-droppingly good results he needed to find more money for further research but the Italians weren't interested in communicating without waving their hands. Marconi explained that it didn't make any difference and they could still wave their hands when using the radio but they weren't interested. Marconi set off to England with his mother.

In England he got a lot of interest. As did his mother who was pretty saucy for an older girl. Marconi increased his transmission strength to six kilometres and soon after sixteen kilometres. He travelled to the US and used radio transmissions to report from a boat about the America's Cup sailing race. All of this was just peanuts compared to the transmission he was about to receive. He was about to get a big one.

The transmission was received at Signal Hill from a transmitter some 3500km away. Many people were skeptical of this result because it wasn't independently verified, and Marconi was a Facist. He set out to show them all with the help of the US Navy. He sailed on the SS Philadelphia and received audio signals at night up to 3500km. It was the Facist's greatest victory.

Marconi was thanked personally after the sinking of the Titanic. Britain's post-master general said that "Thise who have been saved, have been saved through one man, Mr Marconi...and his marvellous invention." Maybe those Facists aren't so bad after all.

On this day, in 1981, General Wojciech Jaruzelski declared martial law in Poland in an attempt to dismantle the anti-communist union called Solidarity. A union that is anti-communist is like a cat with a dog's brain; highly unlikely and it would chase itself if it looked in a mirror.

Solidarity was founded in 1908 by Gdansk in the Lenin shipyards, which are right next to the Lenin Town Hall and across the road from the Lenin video game parlour. The group advocated non-violence in all its activities, except for fund-raising, celebrity boxing matches. The most popular match was Lenin vs Lenin, the Battle of the Iron Fists.

The union grew in power and the Polish leadership felt threatened, so General Jaruzelskiruzelski imposed martial law in an attempt to destroy them. He said he did it because of the threat of Russian invasion, but this was a lie because The Russians had no reason to invade; everything was already named after Lenin. Many members of the country's political opposition said that martial law was a last grasp at power in a country that was becoming a civil society.

The Ruskies even said they were never going to invade Poland. They saw what happened to Hitler and said "no thank you" in Russian. When the General asked for assistance from The Russians they refused saying that it was a Polish problem and they should be able to oppress their own population.

The flight lifted a young physician and an army officer into they sky. The brothers were not silly enough to actually fly the contraption themselves. They were also smart enough to take all the credit.

The brothers were born into a family of paper manufacturers. Yawn. They two brothers, Joseph and Etienne, were the 12th and 15th children. Their mother was an unstoppable baby machine with a funny walk.

Joseph was a typical inventor. He had a vivid imagination and said eureka more often than a non-inventor. He was not practically minded. Luckily, Etienne was more level-headed and dull at parties. He managed the business side of things like hiring caterers and restocking stationary.

Joseph got the idea for an airship by watching laundry being blown about by hot air from fire. How wonderful it would be to make a floating laundry in the sky. Instead of creating something everyone could appreciate he decided he wanted to create a military airship that could defeat the fortress of Gibraltar.

While looking at the fire Joseph imagined a gas that was moving the laundry. Completely free of ego he called this gas Montgolfier gas. The gas had a special property that he called "levity", which makes it good at parties. Jospeh thought Etienne could do with some of this so he investigated further.

He experimented with simple balloon-like contraptions and was soon making them rise to the ceiling, and turning them into rudimentary facsimiles of a sausage dog.

The brothers grew more knowledgeable and fun at parties. So their balloons grew. They put on public demonstrations and eventually created a balloon that was man-size. This meant it could carry a man and it had plenty of hutzpah.

The king proposed sending two criminals into the air to test the balloon but this is exactly what they wanted so they could escape. Instead, the balloon was tested with animals. A sheep was sent because it was believed that it would have similar physical reactions as that of a human. A duck was sent as a control specimen because it was believed the altitude would have no effect on it. A chicken was also sent because everyone wanted to see a chicken fly.

Human flights were achieved soon after and it was a cause of much celebration. Many tacky knick-knacks were made to commemorate the flight. The Montgolfier brothers work all those years ago is the reason we have jokes about fat people being blimps.

On this day, in 1945, General Douglas MacArthur, leader of the allies in occupied Japan, ordered that Shinto should be abolished as the national religion. He wasn't there to win any popularity contests.

Shinto is an ancient wisdom that serves only to better its practitioners. Naturally, MacArthur had to utterly destroy it before he could rebuild the Japanese people from scratch. The religion's main points are that it is polytheistic, which means it is some sort of plastic, and it focuses on animism, which means you get to have sex with animal spirits. It's the best of both necrophilia and bestiality. No wonder it was so popular.

Spirit worship is all about the kami. They are local spirits that represent the inherent genius of a place. Today, we would call these "McDonalds". In the Japanese language it is not always clear if the word kami means one spirit or if it is plural. If multiple spirits must be referred to the word kamigami is used. If there are even more spirits then you can say kamigamipalamirami.

After World War II (the best war) Japan was occupied by the US, Britain, and Australia. This was the first time in history that Japan had been occupied by an enemy force. That's why MacArthur went a little crazy with the culture-bashing. Who knows when this opportunity might come up again.

During the occupation Japan was banned from maintaining any armed forces. This was to stop them from becoming agressive, and so they couldn't win the bi-annual armed forces boxing championship. The US soon changed their minds about the disarmement because Japan was seen as a friend against the communists.

Other upsides of the occupation were democratisation, liberlisation, and education reform. The downsides were censorship, and rape. The worst part is that it wasn't just the metaphorical rape of an ancient culture; it was the real deal as well. There were one thousand rapes reported in the first ten days of occupation.

In 1949 the occupation began to end. Japan's native leaders were given more power and allied trrops began leaving. Today, 47 000 US troops reside in Japan. They are there at the invitation of the Japanese government just to show there are no hard feelings. Apart from the humiliation.

On this day, in 1829, the steam engine, Stephenson's Rocket, won the Rainhill Trials in England. These trials were held to find the best steam engine for the new Liverpool and Manchester Railway. The Rocket fitted the bill and was declared "Most Tickety-Boo of 1829."

The trials also determined whether the railway would use a locomotive (moving engine), or a stationary engine. The choice was made simple because a stationary engine attached to a train did not meet the requirement of "being able to move".

Contrary to popular belief, the Rocket was not the first steam locomotive. This honour was held by a much earlier attempt at a mobile sauna. However, the "Sauna-on-the-Go" was not a commercial success.

The Rocket's design was the result of a team-effort. George and Robert Stephenson were most drectly responsible, but some consideration must be given to the treasurer of the company who suggested a multi-tube boiler design, and a pay-rise for all the members of the board.

The race day was marred by the death of a Member of Parliament, who was struck by the Rocket. This caused some confusion for the Prime Minister, who witnessed the accident. He thought that was the purpose of the Rocket, and suggested it might be more useful if it could be made to kill more than just Members of Parliament.

The original Rocket was donated to the Patent Office Museum in London, however, after many modifications it was not the same steam engine from the Rainhill trials. It had so many modifications that train enthusiasts agreed that the Rocket of 1829 was not the same as the Rocket of 1830. Normal people couldn't tell the difference.

In 1979, a replica Rocket was built for the 150th anniversary. It was identical except it had a slightly shorter chimney so that it could clear the bridge at Rainhill. It turns out the track-bed was thicker in 1979 than it was in 1829. Here ends the incredible story of Stephenson's Rocket.

On this day, in 1949, the company, Svenska Aeroplan Aktiebolaget was founded in Sweden. Over the years it has produced aircraft, weapons, automobiles, and fairy floss, which was developed by it's Weapons Intelligence arm. Today, the company has been updated with the new name SAAB and the new slogan "SAAB is Swedish for SAAB", which in Swedish is "Jag älskar min saab".

SAAB originally produced only aeroplanes but they felt the need to diversify. They started making fabulous flying wheeled contraptions. This outlandish strategy didn't succeed so the company went with the more conventional route of manufacturing ground-based cars. It was on that day that the magic of SAAB died.

The magic died even more, if that's possible It is. The company developed a reputation for manufacturing safe and reliable cars. If James Dean had been driving a SAAB he would still be with us today wearing a knitted cardigan.

In the fifties SAAB entered the computer market with its subsidiary Datasaab. The official claim was that SAAB needed more powerful computers for its military aircraft but everybody knows they wanted to corner the Swedish Tamagotchi market, which is estimated at seven billion a week.

Datasaab developed aircraft computers and then moved into banking computers. SAAB were directly to blame for the European financial markets being thrown into turmoil in the seventies when thousands of ATMs reported they were flying below stall speed and their lack of altitude meant a crash was inevitable.

The company has changed names a number of times. To represent their diverse interests and lack of imagination they changed the name from SAAB to SAAB AB. It should have been SAAAB. In 1968 SAAB joined with the truck company Scania to form Voltron.

In 1995 SAAB Military Aircraft and British Aerospace formed a joint venture called Saab-BAe Gripen AB, which is, according to Guiness, the worst company name in history.

Today, SAAB comprises a number of subsidiaries.

• Saab Aerotech - Aircraft, military and civilian.
• Saab Communication - Communication equipment for military.
• Saab Deathbots - Killing by the pound.
• Saab Fluffy Bunnies - Children's toys and love.

SAAB plan on merging with Simrad Optronics to form SAABSimrad, the only transformer that can beat Voltron.

On this day, in 1969, the US Air Force closed its seventeen year investigation into UFO sightings in the US. It was called Project Blue Book and it had three goals;

1. To determine if UFOs were a threat to national security.
2. To scientifically analyse UFO-related data.
3. To watch ET a few times. Maybe six.

The first investigation into UFOs by the USAF was Project Sign in 1947. This project resulted in a mysterious document called "The Estimate of the Situation". This document proposed, amazingly, that the best explanation for reported UFO sightings was extraterrestrial. These aliens were nicknamed little grey men, or little green men, or Mexicans.

The Estimate has never been released to the public and it is considered the UFO Holy Grail by conspiracy theorists and nutballs alike. Project Sign was a bit of a let-down so in 1948 the USAF commissioned a new investigation; Project Grudge, which had a mandate of debunking nutballs and conspiracy theorists alike.

Predictably, Grudge found that all UFO sightings could be explained by natural phenomena, although, it did leave a whopping 23% of real alien sightings unexplained, which proves aliens are living among us in special suits that make them look human. Matt Damon is definitely one of them.

The Air Force Brass weren't happy with Grudge. Too many rational explanations, that's their problem. They set up Project Blue Book to spice things up a bit. The name, Blue Book, was chosen for an entirely uniteresting reason.

The project was headed at first by Captain Ruppelt. He was a tall, thin, short kind of fellow with a jovial glint in his eye, and a kind word for every fifth person he passed. He was a decorated airman, which means he could fly a plane through a barn for nickels.

Ruppelt coined the term unidentified flying object. The phrase occurred to him one day when a secretary asked "What shall we call these unidentified flying objects?" Ruppelt said they should call them hover-whirls but the secretary insisted and the rest was history. In truth, Ruppelt didn't care what they were called; all he knew was that he could fly a plane through one.

Each air base had a Blue Book officer who recorded witness statements about hover-whirls. These officers were not restricted by the chain of command, which goes to show how silly the whole thing got.

By the time the project ended it had recorded 12 618 UFO sightings.Most of them were written off as natural phenomena like clouds or aliens. Some of them were obvious hoaxes, like that hot air balloon that had "I am an UFO" written on the side in big, happy letters. A massive 701 were proven to be Matt Damon simply because the couldn't find any other rational explanation.

The X-FIles was right, the truth is out there, in a big boring government file.

On this day, in 1915, U.S. President Woodrow "Don't call me Woody" Wilson married his second wife Edith Bolling Golt Wilson. She is unofficially known as the first woman to run the government, apart from that time the cleaner signed all those declarations of war that kicked off Spanish-American War.

Edith was a descendant of the famous Native American, Pochahontas. It seems that every notable person in America today is a descendant of Pochahontas. Her sprawling clan includes an admiral, fashion designer Pauline de Rothschild, and First Lady Nancy Reagan. At the risk of sounding biggotted, it has to be said "What a slut!"

Edith was born in Virginia and was the daughter of a judge and her mother. She was the seventh of eleven children. It was this fortuitous position of "lucky seven" that destined her to become First Lady. No other factor in her life can explain how it happened.

She married a jewler and lost a son in childbirth; it was probably behind the fridge. Her husband also died unexpectedly so Edith hired a manager for the jewelry business to maintain it as a financial success. What else was a sassy, modern woman of olden times to do? Apart from losing children in the couch cushions.

Edith was introduced to the President after the death of his first wife. Wilson needed female companionship and he liked Edith's intelligence, charm, and plump beauty. He probably never told her often enough how plumply pretty she was. It is always the way that we don't tell our loved ones just how much they mean to us. Would it be so hard to say "I think you are a bit plump but I love you anyway. Maybe I would love you more if you lost about five kilos but I wouldn't ask you to do that."

As their courtship was very quick there were rumours that the President had cheated on his wife with Edith. He offered Edith the chance to back out of their marriage to save her the ridicule, but she stood by her man for love, and his kind words about her weight issue.

During World War I Edith set an example by observing some poorly named ration days. There were meatless Mondays, gasless Sundays, and tight-arse Tuesdays. This was all small-time compared to her eventual overthrow of her husband and her aquisition of total power.

The President had a stroke while lifting a couch looking for a child. He was incapacitated and bed-ridden. Edith took it upon herself to digest the Presidential duties and then present the most important points to he husband for his decisions. She also opposed the Vice President from assuming power.

Edith claims to have never made a Presidential decision on her husband's behalf but many people blame her for the diplomatic failings during this time. The President defended her saying that he was "perfectly capable of bad diplomacy and can't you all just leave my plump wife alone."

After the Presidency Edith nursed Woodrow until his death and she died many years later on what would have been Woodrow's 105th birthday. This adds more weight to a conspiracy theory.

On this day, in 1932, the BBC World Service began broadcasting. At this time, it was known as the BBC Empire Service. The name was changed when the British government finally realised that their empire wasn't the same thing as the whole world.

The original reason for the service was to communicate with English speaking Englishmen who were living in all the God-forsaken British colonies around the world. As King George V put it in the first ever Royal Christmas Message, the service would get in contact with the "men and women, so cut off by the snow, the desert, or the sea, that only voices out of the air can reach them." In the same speech he also told everyone that Santa was coming although "he may bypass some God-forsaken British colonies."

Expectations of the quality of programming were low. During the service's first broadcast, the Director General, Lord Reith, said "The programmes will neither be very interesting nor very good." It's true that the Empire Service did start as somewhat of an ugly duckling, but it grew and developed into a mighty stallion with laser for eyes. A stallion that any British cavalry officer would be proud to have between his legs while stomping on some native in a God-forsaken British colony.

In 1938 the service started its foerign language broadcasts. First, they broadcast in Arabic, then German, and by the end of World War II broadcasts were made in all major European languages. This let the BBC opress people in their own language.

During the war, English-speakers who lived in occupied territory had to listen to the BBC in secret. If anyone found out they were English they would be taken prisoner by the Germans and the French would start being rude to them.

The aim of the World Service is to be the world's best-known, and most respected voice in broadcasting, therby bringing benefit to Britain. This worked well and the respect it gained was the icing on the cake. The figurative "cake" were things like wealth, power, and slave labour. And it is delicious.

The BBC was even respected behind the Iron Curtain during the Cold War. This was despite the fact that an iron curtain would cause significant transmission inteference. LOL, that's an industry joke.

The BBC German broadcast ceased in 1999 because research showed that most German listeners tuned in to the English language transmission. This shows that the British Empire is getting a new foothold by destroying the culture and language of all the crappy countries. Long live the Queen and her fat puppies.

The BBC's interval signal (played between programmes) has changed over the years. A recording of Church bells has been used, and so has a recording of the morse code for the letter V. A more contreversial choice was the British national anthem, which everyone was required to stand for even if they weren't British. For a while, at the height of the Empire's powers, the interval signal was a recording of a British broadcaster saying, "I'm British so stop whatever you are doing and listen to me."

The World Service has published a number of unsuccessful magazines. These include London Calling, BBC On Air, and BBC Focus On Africa. All of these are the type of magazine that you will find in a doctor's office. They're fine if you only look at the pictures but if you ever try to read the articles you're brain will turn to mush.

Today, the BBC World Service rules the airwaves. Of course we all miss the days of yore when the mighty British Empire ruled the world but those days are gone. Perhaps it is for the best that the power of the British Empire has ended. Ghandi certainly seemed to think so.

On this day, in 1968, the Zodiac killer murdered Betty Lou Jenson and David Faraday. Their horoscopes for that day said they would meet a tall, dark, handsome man who would stab them. The victims were shot and this shows that horoscopes are never right. Betty Lou and David were the killer's first victims, but they wouldn't be the last. To this day, the Zodiac Killer has not been caught. Some suspect he writes horoscopes for a living and the evidence supports this theory; those people are all a bit weird.

I have earth-shattering news. I am the Zodiac Killer, and a Sagittarius. I'm standing behind you with a large bread knife and a French loaf. Would you like some gouda?

My case has been opened and closed more times than Jack-in-the-box during a time that Jack-in-the-boxes were popular. It would have been the 1930s I suppose. In April 2004 the pigs at the San Fran Police Department declared my file inactive but as of 2007 it's been reopened. I'm still out there and I could act at any time, just like the Jack-in-the-box I mentioned earlier.

My list of victims is impressive. It all started back in '68 on Lake Herman Rd. Young Arthur and Betty Lou were the unlucky ones then. They were necking in his car, which I can't say that I rightly approve of. It doesn't matter because they were soon to be necking in Hell and they wouldn't be driving his fancy car. They'd be in a Honda.

Next cab off the rank, as it were, was Michael and Darlene. They were at the car park of the Blue Rock Springs golf course. I don't know what they were doing there but it was probably necking. Necking in Hell! I screamed that at 'em as I fired my precious. Darlene took it like a man and died. Michael wimped out and survived.

After that was Bryan and Cecilia. Stabbed they were, by me and Yoda. They were necking out at the lake and I took that as a personal slur against my good name. They should know by now how I feel about necking.

Last was Paul Stine. Shot and killed in '69. I was nearly caught on that one. The police got there quick because some punk kids were necking nearby and reported the shooting. A mix up of the descriptions meant the police didn't notice me even though I walked right on by.

After the killings I sent three encrypted letters to the newspapers. My demand was that they print them or I'd go on a killing spree. At first, they didn't print 'em and I didn't kill anyone, but I just didn't feel like killing. I could have if I wanted to. Eventually they printed them.

I told the police that if they cracked the code they'd find me. They did crack the code but they still haven't figured out who I am. I guess they's thick like custard. Really thick custard.

For a while I played a few games with the police. I called TV shows and told them who I was. But they still haven't found me. After all, they are thick custard.

I did it all because I know that everyone I kill will be my slave in paradise. They'll be necking in Hell for me.

On this day, in 72, Saint Thomas the Apostle (yes, that Thomas) died. Thomas the Apostle was one of the twelve apostles, which did cause a lot of confusion, because if someone asked for "The Apostle", twelve people would reply. Jesus tried to sort it out by giving them different monikers but nobody wanted to be called Thomas the Tall One, or Matthew the Finance Guy.

Thomas did manage to make a name for himself beyond the whole nickname debacle. He is still known as "Doubting Thomas" because of his brilliant catch-phrase, "I doubt it." This phrase was useful in many situations. For example, if a teenage boy is going through a rites of passage in a cookie-cutter American sitcom and he thinks he's going to make it with some girl, his little brother, Thomas, can wisecrack "I doubt it." Cue canned laughter.

He got the name because Thomas doubted that Jesus had been resurrected after the crucifixion. Jesus was soon to put egg on Thomas' face by not only coming back to life but also winning the Judea all-state Foot-bag tournament. Thus proving that you can play hacky sack wearing sandals. Is there anything Jesus can't do? If there is then I don't want to hear about it.

Jesus did come back to life like Super Mario who just found a 1-UP mushroom. And when he did he paid old doubting Thomas a visit. Upon which Thomas famously replied "My Lord and my God. Your sack skills be ill."

Thomas did plenty more than doubt the Super Mario-based laws of the universe. He took the word of our Lord and Saviour further than anyone had taken it before. All the other Apostles like John The Bossy One and Peter, who Jesus renamed to Simon because he can't be expected to preach his Father's word and remember everyone's name. Please just give him some space.

Thomas was the only apostle to preach beyond the Roman Empire. All the other apostles thought the Roman Empire was it; society would never advance beyond togas and a clearly defined master-slave dynamic. Doubting Thomas doubted this, as we should expect, and he set off to knock on heathen doors right when they were about to have dinner. The strategy of annoying people at dinner has always been denied by the preaching higher-ups but there is good evidence that this directive came straight form Jesus, who allegedly said "Thou shalt knock thrice at a time when thy heathens are most likely to be at home." When the apostles questioned that people might not like being disturbed while eating, Jesus replied "You're still jealous about the hacky tourney."

Thomas went to Persia on a package deal and did a little preaching to stay in condition. He liked it and decided he wanted to take the plunge and become a full-time travelling preacher. He set off for India and his time there is recorded in 3rd century writings called the Acts of Thomas.

The Acts speak of his travels and a visit to the King of Gundaphoros, but the only interesting bit is about a boy who murders his girlfriend. In this story, the girl was keen on sex, you might even say she was gagging for it. Luckily, the boy was level-headed and believed in remaining chaste, which were the teachings of Thomas. So the boy kills his lover and when he visits Thomas again his hands tremble. Thomas sees this and challenges the boy to reveal his secret. He does and Thomas forgives him and they all lived happily ever after.

The Acts also have a chapter called "the wild asses."

Thomas did many great things but he is only remembered for doubting Jesus' ability to collect coins and save the Princess.

On this day, in 1849, the Russian writer. Fyodor Dostoyevsky, was due to be executed but it was called off at the last second. He was to be killed for being a member of a group of liberal intellectuals. He is considered to be among the world's greatest novelists, like J. K. Rowling.

Fyodor's mother was Russian and his father's family were from Dostoyeve in the province of Minsk, which is not far from Pinsk. Russian is a fun language. His father was a retired military surgeon and a violent alcoholic. Violent alcoholism is the traditional past-time in Dostoyeve, as are glumness and singing in a minor key. Young Fyodor grew up in a neighbourhood that included a cemetery for criminals, a lunatic asylum, an orphanage for abandoned infants, and a swing for the children, but not the abandoned ones.

This was a harsh landscape, except for the swing, and it had a serious impact on Fyodor. He loved visiting patients at the hospital where his father worked so they could tell him stories of the glory days of violent alcoholism. His parents forbid him from visiting with patients but Fyodor continued because of his compassion and his desire to one day be a raging alcoholic.

Rumours surround the death of Fyodor's father. Some historians claim that he was killed by his own serfs who tired of his violent outbursts. Allegedly, they restrained him and poured vodka into his mouth until he drowned. It is the way he would have wanted to go; violent and drunk.

Fyodor studied mathematics, which he hated, and literature, which he liked OK. He described himself as a dreamer. He was forever gazing out a window and dreaming of dying a drunken, violent death just like dear old Papa. During his time studying he wrote two plays for which the texts no longer exist. They were both love stories. One is the love story of a poor Dostoyeve boy and his young lover and the other is the story of a young Dostoyeve boy and his love for violent, drunken death.

His literary career nearly began when he completed a translation of Balzac's novel Eugénie Grandet, but no one cared about a book written by a guy called Balzac, even if he was drunk and violent on an epic scale.

His first successful fiction piece was called Poor Folk. It was very well received and the editor of the magazine that published the story was heard to exclaim "a new Gogol has arisen." To this day no one knows what a Gogol is. Perhaps it is some sort of giant-brained, creative, drunk juggernaut with quills for arms and parchment for nipples.

Fyodor was a member of an underground, intellectual group and this was frowned upon by Tsar Nicholas I. The Tsar was wary of underground intellectuals after seeing what happened in Europe during the revolutions in 1848. He felt the group threatened his autocratic position as the most drunk and violent man in the Motherland. Fyodor and some other members were sentenced to death. A mock execution was held and then the sentences were commuted to four years of exile with hard labour. On appeal they asked for four years of exile with light admin duties but this was denied.

For four years Fyodor slaved at a kartoga prison camp. He described it as though he were "shut up in a coffin". Conditions were terrible, cabins were freezing and overcrowded, they were infested with lice, and it was almost impossible to get a good wireless signal. And that's to say nothing of the lack of alcohol. For violence, they had to resort to good old hunger and desperation to get the aggressive juices flowing.

After his imprisonment he was forced to join the army and then he finally started writing. He had done enough procrastinating.

He went on to write some of the greatest novels of all time. His works were no Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, but they were OK.

On this day, in 1972, the remaining sixteen survivors of an air crash in the Andes were rescued. The group had survived for 73 days after the crash by using positive affirmations and eating the dead. It was a Yin and Yang thing.

The flight was chartered to carry 45 rugby players and associated staff to a rugby, but on Friday the 13th of October the plane crashed into the Andes, which are pretty big so someone should have seen them coming.

The crash is described as a "controlled flight into terrain," which is where an airworthy plane flies into an obstacle such as a mountain. This type of crash is also known as a "suprise landing." The obstacle the plane flies into is called the "pilot's fancy."

One quarter of those on board died on impact. Several survivors of the impact lasted only a couple of days before changing their minds and dying. Things were grim but they were soon to get better, or perhaps worse. More of the 29 survivors were killed by an avalanche that avalanched through the shanty town built from the plane wreckage. Since this event the local council has imposed strict regulations regarding the construction of shanty towns from aircraft wreckage. Approval times range from three to six months so apply now to be ready for crashes in the new year.

The survivors were not equipped with any supplies of food and water, but they did have a good supply of tackle bags so they kept their game up. They heard radio reports that the search for the crash had been called off. This fact in combination with the prospect of starvation lead the group to a difficult decision. Does human flesh taste better with tomato sauce or mustard?

The dead passengers were preserved in the snow and the coach just happened to have a pig spit in his carry-on baggage. Unfortunately, it was meant to be.

Knowing that a rescue wasn't coming the group decided to launch a trek out of the mountains. The fittest men were chosen and given the most rations and were taken off the manual labour duties that kept the poorly-built shanty town from falling over and killing everyone in the cold, cold night. They waited for spring and set off.

On their first attempt they came across the tail section of the plane and discovered some batteries that might be used to power the plane's radio, or to charge an iPod. The batteries were too heavy to carry back to the fuselage so they returned to the plane and brought the radio and MP3 player to the batteries. A lot of time was spent trying to get the system operating but it was fruitless because the DC batteries would never work with the AC radio, and the iPod didn't have any good songs.

From this expedition, the men learnt they needed protection from the cold at night. They constructed a sleeping bag from the aircraft's insulation. It was big enough for three men. One survivor suggested building a queen-sized bed. He was killed and eaten.

The three men again set out to climb the mountain between them and civilisation. They made it to the top and discovered they were surrounded by mountains as far as the eye could see. At this moment, one of the men exclaimed "At least we aren't carrying a queen-sized bed." He was sent back to the crash site immediately. Presumably, upon arrival, he was killed and eaten.

The remaining two men continued their march and finally reached civilisation over a week later. They found a local Chilean man who helped them and sent word of the other crash survivors.

The survivors at the crash site were rescued 73 days after the crash. This proves that positive affirmations and mustard are essential in a survival situation.

On this day, in 1914, damned, dirty, pointless peace broke out along the western front in Belgium during World War I. The ceasefire was temporary and unofficially declared by British and German forces. The French were also involved in a baguette-provision capacity.

The term "Christmas truce" is specific to the ceasefires around Christmas 1914, but damned, dirty, pointless peace also broke out on the eastern front of Easter 1916. Guns were downed and the world's worst Easter egg hunt was held in no man's land. Many soldiers missed out on the eggs and only found some mud and bits of stick. However, the soldier's appreciated finding these instead of their dead friends.

The Christmas truce (the proper one, not the second rate Easter one) started when the Germans started hanging Christmas decorations around their trenches. The British officers wouldn't put up with being outdone by the Germans. They had two options; hang their own decorations or stop the Germans hanging theirs by shooting them. It was decided that shooting people, even Germans, wasn't a very Christian thing to do, so the festivities commenced in lieu of bloody murder.

The two sides traded fierce volleys of Christmas carols. The Germans opened with Stille Nacht, which in English is Santa's a Coming Down the Chiminey. The British responded with Silent Night, which in German is Stille Nacht. The relentless caroling lead to the exchange of Christmas greetings. This then lead to soldiers venturing out of the trenches to exchange gifts of jam, whisky, and poorly translated carol sheets.

The truce spread along the trenches and there were reports of football matches between the two sides. There was also a tiddlywinks tournament and a carol singing contest, in which the English were foiled by poorly translated carol sheets.

Richard Schirmann was posted in a German trench very close to a French trench. French trench, French trench. He recounted that the young men of each side became good friends during the short truce and he wondered if a meeting place for young people could be created to stop future wars. He went on to create the German Youth Hostels Association, which has given a place for young people of all nations to meet and have irresponsible sex.

It is suspected that many unofficial ceasefire agreements occurred during World War I. Sometimes, soldiers of each side agreed to only fire on the enemy during certain times so they could be well protected during the attack. This kept the soldiers safe and satisfied the officers that fighting was still carrying on. It also meant an attack never happened when soldiers were in the bath because that can be so annoying.

In 2006, a letter from the Christmas truce frontline was bought at auction for £14,400. It tells of all the things already talked about in this entry so there is no need to mention it.

The Christmas truce has been memorialised many times. As usual, Paul McCartney made a music video about it. Most recently a film called Joyeux Noel was made. It was nominated for the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar, so no one has ever seen it.

This type of event, this expression of human compassion, and doing the right thing in the face of great adversity, is the type of thing dreams are made of. There is nothing more magical than singing Christmas carols badly.

On this day, in 1950, the Stone of Scone was stolen from Westminster abbey. It is the stone that British Monarchs sit on while they were coronated. When they aren't being coronated they have other informal stones. The Stone of Scone should not be confused with you mother's scones of stone. The stone is also known as the stone of destiny, but only if your destiny is to stub your toe, which it inevitably is.

The stone weighs 152kg and has an iron ring at each end so it is easy to transport. At least as easy as a 152kg stone can be to transport.

According to legend the stone was the same stone that Jacob used to rest his head in Biblical times. He rested his head upon the stone then on waking he stood the stone on its end and poured oil on it. Then he called it "God" and it became the original pet rock.

A different legends says that a piece of the stone was given by Robert the Bruce to the Irish for their support at the battle of Bannockburn. The Irish installed the stone at Blarney castle. That fragment is known as the Blarney stone and is important to you if you are Irish, which is unlikely. It is said that if you kiss the Blarney stone you will be endowed with the gift of gab. This is true for the many people who kiss the stone and then bore their friends to death telling them about how they kissed the Blarney stone.

In 1296, the stone was captured by King Edward I. He incorporated it into a wooden coronation chair in Westminster abbey. The only English monarchs not coronated on the chair were Queen Mary I and II, and Henry VIII. They didn't use the chair because Queen Mary I and II were cruise ships and Henry VIII is a fictional Shakespeare character.

Some people think that the stone taken to Westminster abbey was a fake and the real stone was hidden by monks in a river or on a hillside. Some people should get a life.

On Christmas day 1950, four Scottish hooligans took the stone from the abbey to return it to Scotland. While carrying the stone the louts dropped it and split it in two. They hid the larger piece with some gypsies in Kent. Why they didn't hide it with some gypsies in Manchester, no one will ever know. Eventually they returned both pieces to Scotland after swearing off the Kent gypsy concealment services forever.

A major search for the stone was launched by the British government but they found nothing thanks to the Manchester gypos. Instead, the stone was given to a politician who had it professionally repaired by a stonemason. It was then given to the Church of Scotland for safekeeping.

The Scottish ruffians probably gave the stone to the Church because they trusted the Church not to return the stone to England. How wrong they were to put their faith in the faithful. The stone was soon returned to England and the abbey.

Now the stone is kept in Scotland unless it is being used in a coronation, which happens once every Queen, or about ninety years.

On this day, in 1871, the Great Chicago Fire was brought under control. After the fire many people agreed it wasn't as great as they had been lead to believe.

The fire was the largest US disaster of the 19th century, although some people thought slavery wasn't so good either.

The municipal flag of Chicago consists of four stars, one of which commemerates the fire. The other three commemerate The Great Flood, The Great Storm, and a cat that got stuck up a tree.

The location of the fire's origin is known, but the exact details of how it started are not. A news story at the time suggested it started when a cow kicked over a lantern. The journalist, Michael Ahem, later admitted he made the whole thing up because he thought it would make an interesting story. It didn't.

Firefighters were alerted forty minutes after the fire started but they did not immediately attend the fire. The guard on duty thought the alarm was due to the smouldering remains of another fire that had been put out. It turns out the Great Chicago Fire was the smouldering reamins of his career.

The fire destroyed 34 blocks of buildings, including the waterworks. Now that's a fire.

In the aftermath, the city was quickly rebuilt. Potter Palmer secured a loan to rebuild the Palmer House Hotel. He declared it "The World's First Fireproof Building". Later, he went on to declare the Titanic was unsinkable.

In 1997 Chicago's major league soccer team was renamed The Fire to commemerate the Great Fire. It is an appropriate name because, in Chicago, neither soccer nor fires are popular.

On this day, in 1620, Elizabeth Báthory's crimes of serial murder were uncovered. This exposed her as the original man-eater. She also goes down in history as the original cougar because it's always about sex with these serial murderers. Why can't it be about puppies?

Her crimes were so vast that she is known as the Blood Countess. She is also known as the Blood Lady of Csejte. Bless you. Indeed, she is the most prolific serial killer in history and she certainly put a lot of male serial killers to shame. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

After her husband's death, the Countess and four collaborators were suspected of killing some six hundred young women and virgins. You may think; how did so many people go missing without anyone noticing? There were a few visionaries who said "There does seem to be a distinct lack of virgins nowadays", but these negative nellies were ridiculed for their inability to get laid.

Elizabeth does have a sob-story that she could have used as an excuse for her actions. She was married young for political reasons, so she may have killed the hundreds of girls to stop them falling victim to a similar fate. Blood Countess, we salute you and your feminist values.

As the slaughter continued, suspicions grew that something mildly inappropriate was going on. The authorities uncovered the murders and were shocked by the scale of the inappropriateness. Up to six hundred young women tortured and killed. Even in those days women’s rights had progressed past the point of acceptable mass murder. However, stylish veils were encouraged for the sake of modesty and chastity.

The story the authorities uncovered were damning, but not as damning as the legends that would build up around the Blood Countess in the years following. She was falsely accused of bathing in the blood of virgins to maintain her youth. This type of act lead to her becoming the basis of the fictional character, Dracula. Her impressive powers of deduction lead to her becoming the basis of the character, Sherlock Holmes. Her inability to fly lead to her becoming the basis of every fictional character that can’t fly. However, some creative license was taken and she became the basis of the fictional character, Superman.

For her crimes, Elizabeth was put under house arrest, and she was walled up in some of the rooms in her castle. That’s proper house arrest. Not like that wussy house arrest white-collar criminals get away with today.

Without doubt the Blood Countess is one of Hungary's most famous women. She killed who knows how many people, and that is why she is commemorated on the Hungarian fifty-six grubal coin. This coin is also known as the half-jyzcgd.

On this day, in 1932, the entertainment venue, Radio City Music Hall, opened in New York City. The name Radio City Music Hall beat plenty of other contenders in a naming competition that asked for any four words in any sequence. Other good entries included "Blow Snow Mugs House", and "Buggy Moon Jump Town." The hall is nicknamed "The Showplace of the Nation", which is more sensible.

For a long time Radio City was the leading tourist attraction in New York. It was even more popular than Times Square or Godzilla. He wasn't popular because he still hung out in Tokyo and wasn't to visit New Work on a regular basis until the moderately successful feature film of 1998. It was called Godzilla. Radio City Music Hall is so important to New Yorkers that the building's interior has been declared a city landmark, and people don't spit within three blocks of the building.

Radio City is a part of the Rockefeller Centre, which was developed by John D. Rockefeller Centre. It was planned to be the new home of the Metropolitan Opera but the 1929 stock-market crash was mirrored by the declining popularity of opera. Especially the metropolitan kind. The music hall was designed in an art deco style, which is the only design aesthetic most people can name. That and Gothic, but only to the extent that if it isn't art deco then it must be gothic.

The music hall opened with a lavish stage show. Is there any other kind of stage show? The show featured the talented Ray Bolger, and the competent Martha Graham. It was a grand moment when the two were welcomed to the stage. The announcer announced "Please give a round of applause for the comedy stylings of Bolger and other." This was a bit of a mix-up because they were a song-and-dance duo.

The whole thing was a schmozzle and the show was not popular. The curators were trying to break new ground with a wild variety show, but they soon gave up and went back to showing a movie and stage show. Just to show how bad the attempted show format was, the first movie played was The Bitter Tea of General yen. Its showing is widely accepted as being a vast improvement over the song-and-dance stylings of Bolger plus one.

The audience capacity at this glorified cinema was a staggering six thousand. The stage was twenty metres deep and forty-four metres wide. It took forty-two minutes to use the toilet if you were lucky. Many people complained of explosive bladders.

The hall is furbished with a Mighty Wurlitzer, which might be what you think it is if you think it is a pipe organ. It is the biggest Wurlitzer ever produced. Many people worried that if pipe organs were made any bigger then it could lead to the apocalypse. Even God remarked that the pipe organ was bigger than He expected.

Over the years it has become harder for Radio City to obtain exclusive movie premieres so the focus has shifted more to live shows and tours of the mighty, towering organ. Shows are still performed on a regular basis. Organ tours leave at 10am and 2pm six days a week.

Radio City should not be confused with the consumer electronics chain Radio Shack. The shack version of the franchise has less live performance and more transistors. Transistor radios! Just like Radio City. My work here is done.

On this day, in 1612, Galileo Galilei was the first astronomer to observe the planet Neptune, but he mistakenly thought it was a fixed star. A fixed star is any object in the sky that doesn't seem to move with the stars that twinkle in the sky. Our Sun is an example of a fixed star, as is Britney Spears before she went downhill again.

Galileo Galilei is a great mind from history who has a very fun name. He contributed plenty to astronomy; he was the first to observe the phases of Venus, he discovered Jupiter's four largest moons, and he even observed sunspots and wrote about them in his feelings journal. Originally, he named the moons after his patrons, but modern astronomers have renamed the moons The Galilean satellites. They really are too kind.

Galileo's arch-nemesis was the planet Saturn. He observed Saturn and its rings through his puny home-made telescope. He thought Saturn and the rings were actually a three-body system, otherwise known as a ménage à trois. When the rings aligned with the Earth it seemed to Galileo that two of the three bodies had disappeared leaving only Saturn. Then the rings changed alignment and they reappeared as if by magic. This confused Galileo even more and he went to his grave not knowing that Saturn was a ringed planet. His last word was SATURN!!!

Neptune is not a great mind from history. Instead, it is the fourth largest, great planet in our solar system, which is the best solar system. Actually, it is fourth largest by diameter and third largest by mass. In astronomy terms this means it "punches above its weight".

A scumbag called Urbain Le Vernier has gone down in history as the discoverer of Neptune because Galileo didn't realise it was a planet. Mr Le Vernier sat in his comfy office, by a warm fire and predicted that Neptune existed by using mathematics and observations of a disturbance in Uranus' orbit. How right he was in his warm study surrounded by his piles of concubines and friendly bloodhounds. All the while Galileo was out in the field doing the hard yards, squinting at Saturn. It's not fair.

Neptune is a gas giant. [Joke removed]. Its atmosphere consists of hydrogen and helium and hydrocarbons. Unlike boring Uranus, Neptune has an active weather system. The ten day prediction for Neptune shows wind gusts up to 2100km/h, so please ensure garden furniture is stowed safely inside.

Galileo did more than just not discover Neptune and get confused by Saturn. He also annoyed the Church. The Bible clearly states that the world cannot be moved, but Galileo was a heliocentrist, which isn't really word but it means someone who believes the Sun is the centre of the universe and the Earth moves around it. This view was in contradiction to the Church's view that the Earth was the centre of the universe and didn't move.

The matter simmered for a number of years and eventually Galileo was tried for heresy. He was found guilty and sentenced in three parts. First, he had to declare that his heliocentric beliefs were wrong, and from that point on he had to abjure, curse, and detest that opinion. Second, he was imprisoned and then placed under house arrest. Third, his current and future publications were banned, which meant he never released his twenty volumes on "That Bastard Saturn."

There is a tale that after Galileo recanted his beliefs he muttered the famous phrase "And yet it moves." There is no evidence that he actually said this, and even if there was there is no evidence that he wasn't talking about a rather portly lady in the public gallery.

Galileo contributed a lot to astronomy using only a crap, home-made telescope. Think of what he could have squinted at if he had all of today's technology like the Hubble space telescope.

On this day, in 1851, the first American YMCA opened in Boston, Massachusetts. YMCA stands for Young Men's Christian Association, and the very first branch opened in London in 1844. The English have always been younger, more manly, and more Christian than the Americans. But the Americans are ahead in being associated. When a cause comes along, the Americans will be the first to associate with it.

The group's original intention was to create a safe environment for young working men who would otherwise be living on the streets of London. In this safe environment they could be easily influenced to take up Bible study, and badminton. The YMCA's sacred vow is that all young men should know the word of God and wear dangerously small shorts.

In 1855, a meeting of YMCA leaders from around the world met in Paris for a baguette and a chat. From this meeting the Paris Basis was created. It had three main principles; first, that each YMCA be autonomous, second that YMCAs are a place for young men who believe in Jesus to gather, and third, that the French know a thing or two about baguettes.

In 1997, at the YMCA's secret volcano headquarters, the 14th World Council of YMCA added to these principles and called the new directives, Challenge 21. Challenges one through 21 were concerned with French bread sticks and getting white shorts really white. The additions guided members to spread the word of Jesus, encourage all people to take on leadership roles, and to promote women's rights. They should really change the name from Young Men's Christian Association to Young Person's Christian Association. And they should drop the "Young" because member's of all ages are welcome. And they don't mind if you aren't a Christian. So the new name is "The Association."

The Association even has an eye to conservation. They believe in preserving natural resources for future generations. If we use all the resources now then where will the children get their tiny, tiny shorts?

The modern YMCA varies according to local demands in different countries. In America, it is seen mainly as a local sports centre. In other countries, it is a place of learning. In countries that don't have a YMCA, YMCA is just a classic song and a great night of dancing.

As for religion, the YMCA now supports Ecumenical Christianity. This is the promotion of the belief in the hope of the will of the unification of all Christian faiths. It is the belief that all Christian faiths should be united despite their differences. Many married couples could learn from this.

The YMCA differed from other similar organisations because it was very open. It crossed barriers of class and religiosity. This has lead to the YMCA we know today, which accepts members who are men, women, and children of all nations. Their goal of universal Bible study has fallen by the wayside, but their evil tiny shorts campaign continues unabated. One day, all teenage boys will be called "chicken legs" and on that day we will have nothing left living for.

On this day, in 1924, the astronomer, Edwin Hubble announced that galaxies other than our own Milky Way exist. Even though he discovered our universe is much bigger than the Milky Way, he always believed that our galaxy was the best galaxy. His discovery shocked the astronomy world because it was widely thought that the universe didn't extend beyond the Milky Way. More like it didn't extend beyond some big-headed egos.

At school, Edwin was more of a track star than a brainiac. He did have an interest in the stars, but due to a vision problem he thought they were within sprinting distance. Little did he know it was more like a metaphorical marathon. He earned reasonable grades in every subject, except for spelling and depth perception. He won plenty of first places at high school track meets and there is no doubt that he broke a lot of hearts.

Edwin excelled at the high jump when he realised you can't run to the stars. He also had interests in amateur boxing and something called dry-fly fishing, which sounds boring.

At university he left America and studied for three years at Oxford in England. First, he studied jurisprudence, which is the study of the theory of law, and doesn't help with getting laid. He then studied Spanish, which does help. On returning to the US, he taught Spanish, physics, and his own course called Zen and the Art of Getting Laid. He maintained a number of British mannerisms that irritated his American colleagues. These included a high standard of dress, and using an inside voice.

Hubble's biggest contribution to astronomy was the discovery of a kind of star called a Cepheid variable in several spiral nebulae. Nobody knows what this means, but the point is that they were much further away than the extent of our own best galaxy. This proved the universe is big, really big. He made the discovery using a brand new 100 inch telescope, which was the biggest at the time. Today, telescopes have grown to the gigantic size of 102 inches.

Edwin created his own way to classify galaxies, and, as an altruistic gesture he named it the Hubble sequence, after the great Edwin Hubble.

He was also the first person to practically employ the idea of redshift. He created a law that says the greater the distance between any two galaxies, the greater their relative speed of separation. He thoughtfully named this Hubble's law after the great Edwin Hubble.

His observations of redshift were the first observed evidence of the Big Bang, which was proposed just two years earlieer. His own theory called the Loud Bang has been observed every time someone has a paper bag they don't need any more.

Hubble spent a lot of time getting astronomy recognised as a field of physics instead of some type of black magic. This was so that astronomers could cash in on the Nobel prize. He was not successful in his lifetime, but shortly after he died, astronomical work was made eligible for the Nobel prize for Voodoo.

Hubble may not have earned the Nobel cash stack in his time but he does have a space telescope named in his honour. It has taken some of the most beautiful pictures of deep space and some even more beautiful pictures of nude beaches in Brazil.

On this day, in 1695, a new tax was imposed in England. The amount of tax paid was determined by the number of windows on a property. What will be next? Perhaps there will be a dog levy, or a nipple surcharge.

The tax was introduced by King William III under his Act of Making Good the Deficiency of the Clipped Money. This was by far his least popular act. His most popular acts were, the Act of Baking Cupcakes for Wonderful Friends, and the Act of Paying It Forward.

The purpose of the tax was to take money from the rich and give it to the poor, à la Robin Hood - Men In Tights. In the modern, trendy world this would normally be achieved with income tax, but back in the day people feared the intrusion of the government. They didn't like the government demanding to know their personal income. However, they did like cupcakes. A window tax was a way to tax people according to their income without them having to disclose their financial details. I'm sure you can see that the richer a person is, the more windows they will consume. It is a natural law.

The tax contained two parts. Part the first, a flat house tax, which was charged at a rate of two shillings per house, or two shillings per flat house. This flat rate allowed for up to ten windows on the building. Part the second, the tax rate then increased as the number of windows on the property increased. Having window frames stored in your basement is a grey area, and you should seek sound financial advice.

The biggest losers were those unfortunate souls who had chosen to live in conservatories, which became to be known as "see-through tax coffins".

Over the years the tax was modified to prevent the bankruptcy of the "glasshouse poor". It was changed from a flat rate to a variable one. But the tax was always unpopular because it was seen as a tax on air and light, rather than a tax on the windows themselves.

Some property owners took the extraordinary step of having perfectly good windows bricked up to avoid the tax. Even today you can find buildings that received this treatment. And even today when someone says "let in some fresh air" you still need a sledge-hammer.

The French had their own version of the tax called the Door and Window Tax, but it didn't last because too many people bricked up their entire house and couldn't get in.

The richest people in England leapt on the window tax bandwagon and started building mansions with lots of windows to show how rich they were. Of course, when they got the tax bill they became broke, but it was worth it. What a rush!

It is possible, but not confirmed, that the window tax created the phrase "daylight robbery" because the government was taxing daylight. No research has ever confirmed this but it seems like a pretty good explanation so lets just all agree and move on with our lives.

In 1851, the tax was repealed and replaced with house duty. This caused people to brick up their entire house and the rich built mansions out of houses. What a rush!

December 1st - Iceland Becomes Sovereign State

December 2nd - University of Leipzig Opens

December 3rd - Eureka Stockade

December 4th - Mary Celeste Found

December 5th - Cicero Reads Catiline Orations

December 6th - London Gets Taxis

December 7th - First Lethal Injection in the US

December 8th - Soviet Union Dissolves

December 9th - John Birch Society Founded

December 10th - Mighty Mouse Premieres

December 11th - Cronulla Riots

December 12th - Marconi Receives Radio Signal

December 13th - Martial Law in Poland

December 14th - First Airship

December 15th - Shinto Abolished in Japan

December 16th - SAAB Founded

December 17th - Project Blue Book Closed

December 18th - Woodrow Wilson Remarries

December 19th - BBC World Service Comences

December 20th - Zodiac Killer Strikes

December 21st - Thomas the Apostle Dies

December 22nd - Dostoyevsky's Execution Called Off

December 23rd - Rescue of Andes Flight Disaster

December 24th - Christmas Truce

December 25th - Stone of Scone Stolen

December 26th - Elizabeth Báthory's Crimes Uncovered

December 27th - Radio City Music Hall

December 28th - Neptune Observed

December 29th - First American YMCA

December 30th - Hubble Announces Other Galaxies

December 31st - Window Tax

On this day, in 404 BC, the last gladiatorial battle held in Rome was held. This ending was bittersweet. Specifically, the audiences were bitter and the gladiators were sweet.

A gladiator is a swordsman, and the name comes from the Latin word gladius, which means "sword", and the made-up word ator, which means "man". Gladius is also a Roman nickname for someone who is always glad, so his friends get annoyed with his smugness and spear him in the back. Not so gladius now.

The gladiators were entertainers so they wielded their mighty weapons to make the ladies swoon, and to make the trouser-makers break into a nervous sweat. In front of large audiences they would fight to the death with the most despised Roman outcasts. Battles against criminals, wild animals, and telemarketers were common.

Most gladiators were not glad to be gladiators. Not glad at all. But some were volunteers who wanted to prove their worth to the Roman people by stabbing a wild ostrich in the throat. That's not an easy thing to do. Six foot tall birds are scary, especially if they have teeth, which ostriches don't. Thank Zeus. By fighting to the death in the gladiatorial arena, there was the potential to gain the respect and admiration of all of Rome. There was also the potential for a quick death, but this was preferable to a slow, painful death, which was also common.

The origin of gladiatorial battle is not known for certain, but it was likely started when one Roman said to another Roman "What the hell are you looking at, Gladius?" There was no good answer for that question so a competitive killing league was created to fill the niche in the market.

Gladiators and their battles were used by those seeking power in Rome. Great respect would be given to the owner of a complete set of gladiators. The mighty gladiator schools were used as political rallying tools to win votes of the plebians and the tribunes, who were some types of people in Roman times probably. Those in power in Rome feared that the gladiators could be used as a private army so a maximum of 320 gladiators per school was imposed.

Gladiators were collected across the entire empire. The best were sent to Rome, the worst were sent to their death in Rome. Sometimes the best were sent to their death in Rome too when things were really bad. A lot of the gladiators were prisoners from Roman wars. They were given the opportunity to fight and regain the honour they had lost in becoming a prisoner.

Slaves convicted of a crime could be sentenced to fight in the arena. Roman citizens were protected against this fate sort of. While a citizen couldn't be sent to the arena, they could have their citizenship stripped, and then be sent to the arena.

Some gladiators became famous and wealthy for their fighting spirit. They received land, money, and some were even lucky enough to be made the Caesar's personal guard, which would have been really cushy in those turbulent times.

Female gladiators were also used. They were called gladiatrix. They should not be confused with the Roman-themed Las Vegas magician Gladiatricks.

Gladiatorial battle was ended because of the rising cost and scarcity of human life. And maybe people became more compassionate.

On this day, in 1942, a German spy ring was was brought to justice by the FBI. Thirty three Germans were sentenced to a combined total of over three hundred years of prison. Thirty two received sentences of one day, and the last German was sentenced to 299 years and 333 days. He is still a little bitter about the whole thing.

The spies had been placed in strategic jobs throughout the United States so that in the event of war they could supply information to the German military. Of course, the event of war occurred, and not just any war. It was World War 2, The Rematch.

One spy ran a restaurant and got information by talking to customers. Another spy worked in an airline and had access to shipping information for some reason. Several of the spies worked as couriers so they could transport secret messages between the spies. Spies delivering messages to spies form other spies, this story was to become the basis of every made-for-TV spy movie filmed in the next sixty years.

One silly spy worked as a dog-walker. He thought he could teach the dogs to retrieve secret papers from their master's homes. As a result, he sent more chewed up shoes to the German top brass than he cares to remember. Upon returning to Germany, he was executed.

This spy network, also known as "the underground, ruined shoe train", was mostly undone by a single man; William G. Sebold, a double agent. He was recruited by the Germans as a spy, but he also worked for the Americans, as a dog-walker and spy.

Sebold was a German, but this didn't stop him from doing the right thing. He worked in the US for a many years in the aircraft industry. On returning to Germany to visit his mother he was approached by a Gestapo agent. This fact hasn't been confirmed but someone in a full-length leather coat approached him, so it was either a Gestapo agent or an extra from the Matrix.

Sebold agreed but his double crossing was about to begin. His passport had been stolen in Germany, so he took a nonchalant stroll to the US embassy to get a new one. While there, he proposed co-operating with the US when he arrived in America. The Americans were interested in this, and issued him with a new passport without the usual six weeks waiting time. Maybe it was Sebold's ploy to get a passport really quickly.

In the US, he helped the FBI identify German spies. Also, he helped the FBI set up a shortwave radio station that sent and received hundreds of messages to the Germans. These secret messages always started "Hello. How are you? I'm fine."

It was with Sebold's help that the ring of German spies was brought down. Then a great movie was made about his story, which goes to show that the war was worth it.

On this day, in 1924, British top knob, Howard Carter, stumbled on the sarcophagus (aka: corpse box) of Egyptian King Tutankhamen. It was found in the Valley of the Kings, which was the burial place of many of Egypt's kings. Today, the Valley of the Kings has become a tourist attraction, and it has been joined by the Valley of the Cut-Price Retail Outlets, and the Mountain of Starbucks.

Carter was sent to Egypt to work on a number of excavations. He was young and interested in Egyptian things, so it was the perfect job for him. He didn't even mind the blistering heat and back-breaking labour. He didn't mind them because he didn't have to do them; they had local poor people for that sort of thing.

After a number of years of observing people being worked to death, Carter was hired by Lord Carnarvon to dig up the Valley of the Kings. Carter asked if he had to dig up the whole thing, Carnarvon replied "if hundreds must die to dig holes in the sand then that's the way it's gotta be." Many years passed and nothing was found, so Carter was given one last digging season to find some old, dead Egyptians. He was up to the task.

His water-boy found a set of steps that lead to the King's burial place. His water-boy was then mysteriously shot, and then disappeared so Carter took the credit for the discovery in his honour. After many months work, the door of the tomb was reached. Lord Carnarvon and his family were all present when a small crack was made in the mighty stone door. Carter peered in by the light of a candle. When Canarvon asked if he saw anything, Carter replied "Yes, I see wonderful things, and some things that I don't care for." He was probably talking about his wounded water-boy sliding limp and unconscious down a sand dune.

The King Tutankhamen was an ambitious young boy and all his hard work and ambition paid off when he was became Pharaoh at age nine. He is remembered for two things. First, he rejected all the religious innovations introduced by his predecessor. Second, he is remembered for his tomb being discovered completely intact by the great Howard Carter, which isn't that much of an achievement but he gets an A for effort.

He was buried in a tomb that was small considering his high status. One theory is that he died unexpectedly so not enough time was given to construct a fitting tomb. Normally, only the most worthless peasants would be buried in a mighty stone tomb of such a tiny size. There wasn't even enough room to swing a dead cat, which is something the ancient Egyptians would have done. One translated Egyptian text about tombs says "A tomb should fit the largest of pussies, even when swung about the head like a helicopter if that's what you're in to." This text became the basis for the popular British sitcom "Are You Being Served?"

In hieroglyphics, Tutankhamen's name is spelt with a hawk, a cow on a boat, and two baby birds. Why have hieroglpyhics never become popular as tattoos? The Chinese have had their chance. Let's get some mistranslated Egyptian tatts.

Events that happened on this date in the past.

What happened on today's date in the past? I know and I'm willing to share my knowledge with you. My knowledge and your brain are like a firehose aimed at a teacup.

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